Hi Reddit, here is my issue. I came to the realization I’m trans a few weeks ago. MTF, 35 years old. I identify as non-binary and had been trying a few things in my life to feel more in touch with my queer side. This included things like, painting my nails, dying my hair, etc. It just never felt right to me. Like a piece was still missing.
I’m involved in the furry fandom and the vast majority of my friends are trans. I always told myself that I personally was not. I was just gender-queer, or some flavor of that. It all changed when I had a dream that I was dressed as a girl, and everyone was complimenting me about how well I pulled it off. Something just sort of clicked and it felt like all of a sudden it made sense. I’d never been 100% in love with my own body or appearance, but I felt like if I just got in shape or something I’d feel better. But it felt like maybe this was the thing that was missing was suddenly there.
This brings me to my spouse. We’ve both been in the fandom for the better part of 20 years and share many of the same friends. We have a poly relationship, and my partner has even had sex with one of our closest trans friends (I know because I was in the room). At the time, being poly was very new to me and it was hard to try and open up our relationship. I felt abandoned. I was a terrible person. I acted violently and the whole time my spouse explained that it was who she was and I needed to accept that. Flash forward a few years (and many sessions of couples counseling later) and I was happy she had a long term partner and even have another partner of my own.
When I tried to break the news of my feelings about being trans to her, I knew it would be hard on her, but tried to give her the same space she gave me when she came out as poly. I thought she might be more receptive seeing as we are so involved in the trans community already, but it did not go well at all. The first night I brought up the possibility of going on HRT she said some incredibly mean things. (“I should have known this non-binary crap was just a gateway to being trans—it always is”, etc) She has basically said it feels like her husband is already dead. She reminded me how many trans marriages end in divorce, how many trans people commit suicide, and has casually brought up articles about people who have de-transitioned because they made a mistake. She’s currently visiting her other partner for two weeks and told me she had a nightmare that I had started HRT and became a different person and shared a piece of art she drew of herself with an arrow through her neck, bleeding out.
I tried to explain to her the parallels of how I felt when I tried to deal with opening our relationship—how I felt abandoned or that I wasn’t good enough and how it was hard, and we worked at it, but it eventually ended up working out. She says the trans stuff is different because we can’t hide this from our parents like we can being poly, and also that I would be a different person. (I don’t think this is homophobia or even transphobia necessarily, because as I mentioned, she’s had relationships with trans people). She knows my family will not take the news well and has said that she can’t deal with how it will make me feel. She’s also becoming resentful of our friends because they are naturally supportive of me, and that she can “not talk to anyone without being ‘cancelled’ for being a transphobe.” She’s also told me that once I make a decision about whether I’m not I identify as trans, it will affect if she stays with me or not. She has said that marriage is a “credit” and if it doesn’t work she needs that credit back. Her current partner is not US, and I know that marriage would solve the problem of them living in separate countries. But I sort of feel like a hostage.
I just don’t know what to do. I’ve suggested we go back to couples counseling, and I’ve already set up appointments for myself for mental health and transitioning. But right now day to day life is so hard. My partner will randomly burst out in tears. I try and brave it out, but recently my depression has spiked. I feel so selfish for wanting to be happy in my own skin. I don’t want to lose my wife, but I feel like now that I’ve opened up Pandora’s box there’s no closing it. She keeps telling me I should just go be happy with another trans person, but I’m just miserable all the time now.
Now, I’m sitting here alone, waiting for my spouse to get back. My brain keeps ping ponging between leaving and trying to start my life over alone or just dying in a male body to save myself the pain.
Honestly, ANY advice would be welcome. I’m so unbearably lost right now.
Submitted September 28, 2019 at 10:03PM by genderfluidlion https://ift.tt/2m0ARue
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