Feeling like relapsing

It's 4:30am where I am and I'm very much in need of hurting myself.

I (21F) used to cut myself, from when I was 16 up until maybe 9months ago, give or take. I'd use a razor or failing that I'd use nail scissors to scratch myself.

Recently (like in the past week) I've been majorly, miserably depressed. Alongside this I've been experiencing very sudden intense urges to hurt myself, sometimes at the same time as panic attacks.

Twice I've smashed my left hand (not my right as I'm a soon to be art student) as hard as I can on the metal of my bf's bed, the second time leaving a just about visible bruise. I'm reluctant to start cutting again because of the scars, but right now it's feeling like an attractive solution again, especially since it's late and my bf is sleeping, so obviously can't hit my hand right now.

I have an intense urge to stab myself in the stomach, or slice across the palm of my hand, or cut myself on my stomach and thighs.

Idk what I want from this. My heart hurts. Maybe just venting, idk, but rn I feel like I'm suffocating and need to cut my way out, or stay trapped.

Submitted September 22, 2019 at 06:34AM by a-n1nny-m0use https://ift.tt/2V6EQCo