I still consider myself a theist though I've been a devout Muslim ever since I converted 7 years ago. It was a purely spiritual decision and Islam had appealed to me deeply then.
But for the past couple of years, it has felt like nothing but self inflicted torture. All the things I was willingly and positively wanting to do have turned into sources of misery.
Being a woman and a reserved one at that has not helped and I can safely say its just not sustainable to be a good Muslim. Atleast for me.
The anxiety of managing prayers, the mini panic attacks at the possibility of missing prayers and other obligations have taken a toll. My brain can no longer take the crippling guilt and stress of trying to be a good muslim. I see people who are good humans and living a blessed life despite doing everything that's ritually haraam and that’s all I want to be. I don’t want to be more I don't want to never be happy with what I am.
I don't see the point of this paralyzing self discipline any longer. I don't get why music is so haraam. I don't get why partying is so haraam. I used to think its the worst thing as if its malicious to have some responsible fun. And it wasn’t like I didn’t party before. I hate feeling like my head is all up my ass.I left prayers and ever since I've felt like a weight has lifted off and I don't have to be so stressed out and guilty about it all the time all day every day. I didn't even fast this Ramadan and that was another huge stress reliever. Because waking up in the middle of the night alone to eat and pray and be sleep deprived and knowing you will “underperform” no matter what has made me dread every Ramadan.
I feel like a carefree bird waiting to live a full life. I like dogs. I like art even the one with faces, I like letting my hair down even literally sometimes, I have varied tastes and diverse interests in a million things and I'm tired of having to put everything I like or want through a fine sieve of religion to decide if its for me.
I want to admire things without doing a million double takes. I like my Metallica, I like my movies, heck I like my porn too sometimes and I'm tired of stressing about taking a fucking bath every single time without missing prayer.
And thankGod I didnt get married. Thank God I found only douchebags I could never gamble my life to. Thankgod I realized I do NOT believe in arranged marriages. Its not for me. I hate that I put myself through it all. I hate that I isolated myself from platonic friendships and harmless intermixing and even my normal girlfriends. I am an introvert but I am a human for fucks sake and deep bonds go beyond just what God you worship or what genital you have.
I have always been respectful and tolerant and I've had enough of this (sub)conscious supremacy I've been carrying. I'm not better. I am not worse. I just am.I'm tired of trying to climb the pedestal, tired of being different and opposing the flow all the time. I am tired of not simply enjoying existence or relishing simple things like wishing others happy birthday happy new year merry christmas because hey its not about me or may be it is because this pagan festival is important to you and you make my life better.
I like swearing. I like flipping the bird. I like how the stress goes away when I say fuck you and fuck them and fuck it.
I like sleeping in. I like not feeling like I fucked up 100 times over even before the sun has risen just because I didn’t wake for fajr. I like not beating myself up for not doing hijab. I like not thinking about if this chicken is halal. I like putting on lipstick. I like looking cute for myself and others. I like the way my hands look when there's colors on my nails. I like how much I transform within when I look good on the outside. And when others notice. Especially then. I've been lying to myself. I like feeling seen. I like all of it. I like being finally okay with who I am after a million years.
I like form fitting clothes. Not because I'm rebelling but because my tastes change like seasons and I am not a one style woman. I am not the same person I was yesterday. I’ve been a few different people throughout this life and I'll be a few different more. But they're all me. It’s just been me.
I want to be soft. I want to be kind. Period. Not with terms and conditions. Not with a mental classification of us vs them. I don’t want to overthink if someone’s company is good or bad. I want to be bad. I want to be a bitch sometimes because this world isn't a marshmellow and patience isn’t always an answer.
I know a lot of this was probably self-inflicted but I was a dedicated Muslim and I didn’t know any better or I did and this was the better. And I am tired of it all.
A good human? I can be that. But I’ll also be a not so good human, a lying human, a lazy human, only human. And I can’t be an angel. I can’t be what I am not.
I never thought I would be so comfortable with being an ex-Muslim. I think its because I don’t even care enough now to identify myself as that. A few days ago I thought it was a phase and it wouldn’t matter if it wasn’t. That’s how much nonchalance has seeped in. I don’t feel any regret or remorse or fear and for a change, heck does that feel good.
All I feel is calm like I’m at the shore watching an ocean and the world is worlds away. I want to see the world, eat all kinds of food, see things, all without having to lug the extra weight of all my obligations.
I am thankful for the strong sense of right and wrong I developed and for knowing how brave I can be and for learning to stand up for myself and for others. But the other things I cannot keep up any longer. I am not getting out because I am having some cognitive crisis but because I’m exhausted down to my soul, down to my sanity.
Maybe it's both, I've stopped believing AND caring. I don’t know who I am anymore but that’s okay. I’ll figure it out or not. One thing I know, I am not going rogue.
Thank you for hearing me out. Please tell me I am not alone.
Submitted June 07, 2019 at 09:40AM by callofktululu http://bit.ly/2Wwjr9J
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