TL;DR : my mental health issues caused me to crash hard for a few days, my girlfriend stuck with me despite it taking a large toll on her, I love her so incredibly much and don't want to ever make her worry like that again.
This Sunday evening I found out my computer wasn't working properly. It's a gaming rig I put together myself, and it's my escape/lifeline whenever I feel depressed or anxious. I had just done a 3 day martial arts training weekend (Fri - Sun) and when I came home it wasn't working (or well, after boot the CPU immediately hit 80 degrees and would climb to near 100 within half a minute). (Disclaimer; obviously this wasn't just about my computer - I've been feeling really rather crap for a while and I was physically exhausted).
I freaked out. Hard. I went from sobbing uncontrollably to completely zoning out and dissociating. But she stayed there. She held me, she kept me close, she wrestled my hands open so I wouldn't hurt myself with my nails. She sat with me on the sofa and the floor, she lay with me on the bed, and when I snapped out of it she told me what had happened because I didn't remember it. My brain tried to protect me from how horrible it all felt. We'd apparently ordered pizza before my freakout, and when it got there she made me eat some of mine. I then got so ravenous I ate the whole thing. She made me drink something, and then I held her while she cried because of how much she worried about me. That might've been the hardest part. She then hugged me in bed until I fell asleep, at which point she went to sleep in the guest room to make sure I'd get the best sleep I could get.
I stayed home from work for 2 days. Monday she also skipped work to stay home with me. We went out, I almost cried when someone told me we couldn't sit at their 6-person table they were occupying by themselves. Almost cried, and also almost picked up their stuff and threw it across the shop. We decided to go have a drink somewhere else. We ended up going to see Aladdin in theatres on a whim. I again got emotional for the stupidest things during the movie. She didn't make me feel bad for any of it, she just held my hand and we cuddled while watching (sofa cinemas are the best). She also ordered me a new water cooler for my computer.
Yesterday she went off to celebrate Eid with her family. I promised her I would be OK, I gave her a big hug and told her she deserved to go and see her family. I couldn't come along because her mother doesn't know she's dating a woman, it would cause a mountain of sh*t, so I stayed home. I picked up the new water cooler she ordered for me. I installed it, and it fixed the issue. It also looks great, but that's besides the point. I played some video games, then went to martial arts practice. Instead of getting to do mindless training, I had to teach the class because my Master had to go off and do tournament prep. I taught 90 minutes of training. I went home, noticed myself sort of dancing to the music, and decided I was a bit annoyed with my lack of workout. So I did a body-weight workout at home, had a shower, ate, slept crap (probably worked out & ate too close to bed) but dragged myself to work this morning anyway.
I'm not doing great. I'm not doing well. But I'm doing. I'm waiting for group therapy to start for my eating disorder (as a start, after that will obviously also look for help with my other issues). It's hard to motivate myself to be healthy and eat well & exercise. I hate going to work, and when I'm there I barely get anything done. I have to have a talk with my manager tomorrow about my absence yesterday and the day before (I told the truth). But I know that whatever happens, she'll be there. She'll hold me at the end of the day and be there for me. And I want to be better. I don't want to make her cry with how much she worries about me. I don't want to hear her say that she is scared I'll do something to myself. I love her so much, I don't want to cause her pain.
I hope that in the future I can be better and take good care of myself for me, but until then... I'll do it for her.
Submitted June 05, 2019 at 12:49PM by NugglyNika http://bit.ly/2WP9HGQ
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