I feel like a joke that never should have been told

Disclaimer: This is literally just incoherent rambling of a depressed stoner high off his ass. Don’t expect any of this to be in order and don’t expect a lot parts to make sense. I just need someone to see my thoughts. It brings me some modicum of empty contentment to know that other people can see the bits of my pain that I can never be fluid enough to discuss in my real life without looking like a bitch.

Here goes:

I can’t pretend to be one of you “normal” people anymore. Something is clearly wrong with me and I know all the reasons why.

Short summary of my life story; I grew up in Ohio as an American Muslim. This was post 9/11 time, so I spent recess being called a spy for Al-Qaeda by the other kids while having mulch and dirt thrown my way. When I was 8 years old, I moved to Saudi Arabia, where I was treated like an outcast by the other kids and once again called a spy; this time for the American CIA. I would get beat up by all the boys and laughed at by all the girls for being weak and treated like an outcast. My parents were also much more strict. My sister and I got whipped when we were younger (she’s just as broken as I am). I wasn’t even allowed to play outside until I had memorized whole pages of sacred text. As a result, I had no desire to learn Arabic or other important aspects of a culture that I felt I didn’t belong to. Even after spending years in Egypt with my cousins, I didn’t even want to bond with my own family. I would isolate myself and cut myself off from the world. I felt too awkward trying to get to know a family that fought as often as mine did. Instead of broadening my horizons and learning more about my people, I resigned myself to playing stupid Pokémon games on my Nintendo DS. At least there, I was safe from the coldness of the world around me. But even that wasn’t enough at times. During the Hosni Mubarak revolution, all embassies shut down and it was too dangerous to go outside. We eventually used up all our food and starved for two weeks living off of water bottles. I would listen to the Pokémon theme song to feel stronger but that only did so much to numb the hunger. I actually liked Egypt to be honest. Most of my cousins were much older than I was, but they made me feel like I belong somewhere. But after that incident, my family understandably never wanted to go back.

And even when I did go outside, I was targeted by the neighborhood bullies, who would show up at my house regularly to harass me or knock our trash over to get me in trouble with my parents. I remember one day I physically retaliated against my bully, and his father threatened to break my arms. Scared for my life, I was crying because he seemed so serious about doing it, meanwhile the other kids in the compound pointed and laughed their eyes out. I was 12 when that happened. My own father, who witnessed the whole thing, wouldn’t defend me and instead my entire family cornered me and yelled at me until I cried myself to sleep.

It was like a fucking movie. The whole thing. It exemplified a principle that would manifest itself in my life later on: People can fuck with me and get away with it. In every confrontation I’ve ever had with people, I’m either too stupid or too weak and pathetic (or both) to protect myself against people who attack me verbally or physically. If the question is “Can he win at any form of competition?” The answer is usually “No, he’s a pussy who loses focus then fucks up. He’s nothing to worry about”.

I feel like prey.

It started a trend of me losing most confrontations I have with people. Every argument I enter now, I’m the one who’s wrong or having to apologize, even at times when I didn’t do anything wrong. It makes me feel like some kind of subserveant beta bitch who’s too stupid to make cogent arguments of his own in a debate.

I keep telling myself to remain calm in such situations and to critically assess their circumstances to resolve conflicts professionally, but the fact is I don’t haven’t gotten closure on literally any of my past traumatic experiences, so it makes it extremely difficult for me to believe that I could be anything other than in the wrong. I don’t what it means to be “right” in any confrontation because I’ve never experienced victory of any kind. I panic, say some things that I don’t mean, and just end up burning bridges and making myself look like a fool.

Don’t even get me started on fucking high school. Some of the worst years of my life. Freshman year was ruined by my unathleticism. My school was full of a bunch of rich white kids and was huge in sports. One day, one of the coaches gave us a demo for the schools wrestling team. There was an activity that had the boys go up and wrestle each other in front of the girls. Of course I kept getting nominated to go up and wrestle and I kept getting my ass whooped by even the lightweight nerds even though I was a “big boy” (my nickname was polar bear because I was (and still am) fat and it’s a play on my ethnicity because I appear white but I’m Arab). I swear one of the girls who was probably half my weight was like “hey I wanna takedown the polar bear!” And everyone laughed. They laughed at me. Again. I was getting laughed at. I’m always the fool. The village idiot. The fucking comic relief side character. I spent the rest of freshman year jacking off and watching anime to escape my fears of the outside world. I even wanted to be a video game designer but I was wasting too much time and my grades were dropping so I never did anything with it even though I blew so much of my checks on stupid shit like tablets that I ended up selling later on to make rent money.

Sophomore year was just as bad. My whole image across school was tainted by some stupid shit that I said about autism in a classroom discussion that got misinterpreted and I looked like some kind of villain for it, which sucks because, if anything, I would have been more educated on this topic since I’ve lived it. Anyway, I didn’t get invited to parties, so no surprise there. But whatever, what’s another wasted year of youth am I right?

Junior year is when I came to terms with my poor grades. I picked myself up and gave it my best shot on the days and acts but I always ended up scoring 1800 range; good not great. Doomed to be mediocre forever, while everyone else scored above 2100. Left in the dust as always. Sometimes I imagine a hunger games scenario consisting of me and everyone from high school. Unfortunately I would be the first to die because I’m less fit. If you’re reading this, I’m telling you right now: your genes are probably superior to my own. That’s not just me despising myself, that’s me stating a fact.

Senior year was the fucking worst and it’s the one that I think about the most. Not because of bad things that happened, but because of the emptiness I felt in my heart at What would be my last Homecoming, my last prom, and my last chance to confess to a girl that I really liked and got along with from freshman year. She was beautiful and funny and she was gentle with me. She was so sweet and perfect. But when the slow music came on and I was looking for her in the crowd, she was making out with my best friend at the time. I don’t talk to either of them anymore. I’m an expert at shutting people out. Btw let it be known that I have never gone to a dance let alone a dance with a date. I also don’t think I have ever maintained a friendship for longer than a year. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever been in a real relationship. I hear about how much better life is when you’re enough of a man to have friends with benefits or those “coming of age” stories that I see in movies all the time (I know Hollywood is superficial but you know what I mean). I see young couples in public clearly enjoying the benefits of being in a healthy relationship, and I think to myself “I wish I could be that happy”. I don’t think I’ll ever have that unfortunately because:

1. I don’t know how to talk to girls. The culture I grew up in discouraged sexual interactions between men and women. It caused me to have a serious addiction to porn that I developed when I was 13. I masturbate, on average, 5-10 times a day. I can’t focus on schoolwork or upcoming deadlines because I’m too busy searching for any semblance of a human connection that doesn’t exist and likely never will.

2. I’m out of shape. I’m at 20% body fat, 200 pounds, and too broke to get myself a decent shopping list. Sometimes I starve myself for weeks at a time to prevent spending too much money.

3. I have no confidence in myself. And can you blame me? I grew up discouraged from pursuing my dreams. I’m accustomed to losing and being a disappointment to my own flesh and blood. A true nail-biting, weed-smoking, socially-awkward, low tier piece of human garbage that no one would want to date even if I was the last male on earth.

4. I’m broke. I recently got fired and am now unemployed, 21 years old, and depending on my parents for money for food, which I blow on stupid shit like weed because I’m a pathetic manchild who lets his emotions get the best of him. Every fucking time. I keep convincing myself that I’ll be okay, and I end up not being able to afford food. I’m inconsistent with my finances and can’t get a job ( I suspect because I received my first ever termination from my pervious job). I’ve applied for calfresh, unemployment checks, and literally every single establishment in around my zip code that doesn’t require me to own a CDL . I’m not kidding. 0 response. I don’t have a car either, so anything outside of 5 mi radius is a no go. I wanted to do Uber or left express or something where you rent a car, but since I’m a full time student and under 25, the cost would outweigh the pay. I keep quiet to my family about all my troubles because my poor mother, who’s body’s falling apart from years of being a housewife, is always worried about me. I truly love my mother. We’ve had our differences but I love her. She’s honestly the best mother I think one can have. And my dad keeps traveling overseas to work his ass off to support our family so whenever I get upset I think of how he went from being an immigrant cab driver to a physician.

But yea senior year sucked. I remember seeing a pamphlet with everyone’s names next to the names of the colleges they got into. Some got into Harvard, others into Stanford or Calpoly. I was the only one in the entire pamphlet that was taking a gap year because I didn’t get accepted into any of the colleges I applied for.

I have no redeeming qualities other than some people tell me I have nice blue eyes and I’m decent at art, which does fuckall for you in today’s world. I don’t even share the same interests as most people. I’ve seen some shows and have played some unpopular games but I’m not into call of duty or game of thrones or anything else popular with sheeple these days.

I often hear people having fun, enjoyable sex in the apartments adjacent to my own and immediately suicidal thoughts flood my mind as I contemplate how I’m 21 and I still haven’t gotten my first sexual experience. I feel incomplete. Like my life from now on is one of the bad endings in a choice-based video game. Something that was supposed to be picked up at a certain point in the game (a social life, real family connections, first love) is missing, and has left me with open wounds. And it’s because I’m a fucking train wreck. A waste of human resource. Living proof that human-sized cockroaches do exist. Yet I don’t have the courage to end it. I’ve tried. Several times. No success. Indeed, cockroaches are hard to kill.

I’m an agnostic atheist now, and have gone through several spiritual transitions, but I can’t let my life end so miserably. Even though most of what were supposed to be the best years of my life were ruined by my late social development, I’m now conscious of how much of a fool I’ve been all these years. I now understand where I am on the societal totem pole; beneath the fucking dirt. And I know what needs to be done to turn my life around, but I don’t have the drive to do it.

I know I have to talk to girls and get rejected the first 100 or so times before I can start getting laid, but I’m too much of a bitch to do it.

I know I need a job badly and I’ve applied to a total of 43 different places in the past week alone (I even applied for several all expense-paid out of country summer jobs that would make a lot of money.) . Still haven’t gotten a response from any employers

When I finally moved back to America at age 13, I went to high school, but again felt like I didn’t belong. I would make jokes that fell flat, and I was about as cringey as you can get. The fact that anyone could tolerate my presence is incredible. I felt like the autistic kid that people were only nice to because he was autistic. Autism runs in the family btw. My brother’s a type 3, my other brother’s a type 2 and a I think I might be a type two as well. I’m good at school, I have a 3.34 but I’m stupid when it comes to dealing with real world shit.

This miserable state of mind that I’m in right now is an all too familiar one. The overwhelming feelings of hopelessness. I’m very well aware that I’m a broken person. I’ve never been in a real relationship, and I can see my youth passing by without me getting to enjoy any of it. I feel like an empty vessel that COULD have housed enormous potential, but I feel like an unmotivated and lost cause. I’ve fallen off before I could even take off.

TLDR; I’m a fuckup in literally every conceivable way. If people were letters in the alphabet, I’d be an L.

And to all you guys out there who plan to shove a suicide hotline number in my face, please do me a favor; don’t.

Submitted May 03, 2019 at 06:24AM by Hosam12344 http://bit.ly/2Y6xNtT