So let me start off by saying, this was not an overnight journey or decision. I have felt frustrated with gaming I think since 2017, 2018 I really took conscious attempts to remove it but failed/refused to quit and 2019 I can't really remember the last time I truly played a game.
I'll be honest I never really care for milestones and this one sorta just snuck up on me- tbh I don't care about this at all anymore but I haven't been celebrating enough wins in my life and I figure why not take the opportunity to acknowledge and celebrate this one by passing on my story to others. Maybe you will gain insight or perhaps get a little bit more hope- whatever it is, I wish you well.
My background in gaming: Poor kid growing up, but I managed to scrounge up enough for a Gameboy advance and honestly it became an escape ever since. It was a firm part of my identity and I wouldn't have it any other way. Each year I would be excited for E3- I still remember the Modern Warfare 2 demo on stage- that was probably one of the most intense demos I remember. I moved on to Xbox because of a friend and that has been my home except for when the PS4 XBone fracas was happening and I switched to PlayStation for a year. Came back to Xbox cause I was lonely on PS4 cause nobody else had it. I did get a platinum trophy in my time there. Came back to Xbox but by this point, I think the first nail in the coffin was done.
I remember trading in the PS4 for the Xbox Tomb Raider bundle and honestly, it was a distinct moment of cognitive dissonance. What am I doing ....
It just felt wrong- I had one machine that could play games perfectly and I'm about to fork over some cash for another one...
WTF
2017:
But then hit fall 2017, I'm not quite sure it was because of gaming but there was definitely some role played by it- I was failing university and facing a health crisis where I thought I could be dying or potentially going blind. Real life finally hit me and it was kicking my ass. I also quit my job cause in retrospect I was a weak little bitch who couldn't handle mean coworkers.
I also never played with more than 5-6 people. It was just the core group of us. I eventually had minor beef with them which caused me to play even less even when I wanted to.
But this I think this is when the thoughts really started to creep in- why am I doing this....
As I was failing, as my health was crumbling and everything was going to shit. Why. Why. Why.
Let me be clear- I'm almost one hundred percent sure I was not a hardcore addict ( I gamed less than 15-20H a week at my peak but I think the time lost on sites like IGN or Youtube Channels is really where my downfall was- keeping up with gamer culture/news is honestly exhausting)
But that was still hours that could have been spent studying. Working. Training. Etc
The opportunity cost & tradeoff guilt was really starting to kick in by 2018.
2018:
Still stumbling my way through failure in uni I kept gaming but I kept it at one hour a day. I don't remember much from the first half of the year but I think I did either a 30/60 day no gaming thing while I tried to pull up my grades. A sad wreck I was but blissfully ignorant by playing games- the last video game I ever finished and thoroughly enjoyed was around this time- this year in fact.
The Witcher 3: Complete Edition
I will admit- as far as games go. This was a great one to finish on. I remember having a great time with it and honestly, it was marvelous getting lost in that world of true art. Some games really do surpass the category they are in.
But I also remember- that exact moment when the final credits rolled and you get dropped right back to Kaer Morhen at the fast travel post and thinking WOOOWWW - that really felt like an adventure/experience. But I scrolled over to my hours played stats- it was over 85H, I felt depressed right away. That's 85H that could have gotten me started on a brand new skill and become better than a total beginner. Something that could have helped my life.
I eventually started feeling Melancholy- why do I swordfight in videogames when I can sorta try it in real life and build strength, why do I fish and collect herbs in Witcher when there are real fishes and herbs out here, why am I not making great relationships with strange & unique characters right here in the real world, etc...
I really really enjoyed Geralt's life. It felt full, complete, and surprisingly real. I wanted to travel and see the regions of the world the game was based on like Toussaint( Italy & France to my knowledge), I wanted to explore.
From then on, the war on games became real.
It became a quest to take my life back. It was probably June by this point and I had officially flunked out of Uni- more despair and grim sadness fell upon me- totally aimless, no meaningful work experience, and lonely, so, so lonely.
I spent that summer exercising and going to a field and reading books while taking naps under a tree. I spent it time traveling in my head- I would look up at the tree and since the rest of my field of view of the surrounding city vanished, all I would see is the tree and the field was isolated enough that there were minimal sounds of cars- usually overtaken by the wind and I would pretend I was sitting under a tree in France or in ancient Greece- like a philosopher tanning in the sun.
Now theoretically because the only thing in my Field of View was the branches of the tree(s) there was nothing saying it couldn't be a tree in the hills of France or Italy in any time period I want. A tree is a tree for most historical civilizations. So I would pretend I'm resting in the past and wonder what my life would be like in these eras.
It was silly but I think it prevented me from becoming depressed or truly mentally ill.
I applied to a trade school immediately and patiently waited for admittance which thankfully I got. I had to get a job ASAP so I applied for a 1-year program and started at a new school- by this point gaming really felt like a why bother endeavor- I still had my oldest friends who gamed and once every 2-3 weeks MAAAYBE I would play with them. I renewed my gold which expires in September of this year. It felt like such a waste honestly and I barely use it anymore.
Fall 2018:
I got back into classes and vowed I wouldn't screw this up. I pulled my GPA from less than 1.5 to a 3.3 GPA! While I will be the first to admit that the workload wasn't quite the same with 5 classes but I needed a win and man did it feel good. For the first time in a long time- I felt like I was in charge of my own fate. By this point, my gaming habits were dwindling and minimal at best.
I still clung on to this so-called identity as a gamer from my deep psyche and childhood adoration. The throes of addiction were dying but they had one last punch still.
I bought call of duty: Black ops and I played it maybe a handful of times and then quit. The same questions came back- only quicker and more impactful
WHY AM I DOING THIS!!!!
Even with friends- it wasn't worth it. I never played it enough to get good, only 1-3 matches casually with friends. It was good but not long lasting- my eyes had been opened a little too much to find the contrite escapism of videogames satisfying in any way. I had also detoxed at least twice in 2018 to varying degrees- some 30, some 60.
I wouldn't even call this semester activity as gaming, sure I technically engaged in the activity but it wasn't an attempt to escape- it was just the last gasp of an old psyche and never truly felt fun- it was a way for me to talk too friends and get out from the match and meet up in real life.
December 2018:
I GOT MY FIRST SIBLING. I have been an only child my whole life and when I got to hold him for the first time- it felt real. I was not going to let this little guy down and I haven't meaningfully gamed ever since- once in a while in public there are gaming booths set up to enjoy on your lunch break- if a friend invites me to play some FIFA at those booths- that's alright with me, its in public and over in 15-20 mins and I move on with my life.
The thing with my family is there are no strong role models to identify with. My father is weak & old, my mother is great but she's tired, and everyone else lives somewhere else- so I have taken it upon my self to be the best big brother I can be. To teach him everything I missed and that means getting my shit together foremost.
While you might take your siblings for granted & despise them, think of your future children- what type of man will be taking care of them, this we shall see...
2019:
I suppose the last nail in the coffin was the purchase of Black Ops but the real last nail was no free time once a baby arrives. While going into second semester with Five classes and the hardest classes I've taken compared to the 2 easy As which boosted my GPA in semester one. I was worried- but I pulled my sleeves up and got to work- gaming meant nothing by this point.
I was taking care of a baby when I got home and going to classes in the morning. The first 3 months of a babies life is hell in terms of sleep loss but I took it as a challenge from above- could I survive such a test....
I DID.
Not only did I help take care of that baby- I finished the semester with a 3.9 GPA including a 100% on a final essay(50% of grade) which has never happened to me before.
I start a new job right away in a few days time and even despite a recent personal failure of mine- I don't feel discouraged or depressed. More of a BRING IT ON! IS THAT ALL U GOT!!!
I'm pumped and I finally feel like I got my mojo back. I'm still poor, somewhat lonely, and have a lot of responsibilities but for ONCE in 2 years- I feel in control and no matter what- I will not be beaten. The world has not heard the last of me, this I can promise you
Heres a bullet point lessons guide that most of you will skim automatically for:
- It took me TWO YEARS: This was not an overnight journey and I hope the detailed events disclosed revealed that. Keep at it.
- Turn your life into a game honestly: I'll be honest with you- I still wanna be like Geralt. So why sit on a couch- BECOME AS BADASS AS YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER. Learn the skills they know (if possible, find modern equivalents) and get to it. Life is shorter than you think.
- Switch to Film/Books: I realized the biggest things I liked about gaming were the engaging stories. Movies can be just as addicting but they end in 2H usually and film study is honestly something I enjoy- I write essays on the movies I watch sometimes. Try documentaries- we honestly live in a very very fascinating world. Better than what any game can build.
- I still get urges: I don't think it will ever fully be beaten until like 5 years down the road when I've gotten a life together but there have been 1-2 occasions where I stare at an EB Games (Canada) and always say to myself- NOT TODAY.
- I still own the Xbox: But I defeated the demon- I use it to only watch films via blu-ray player(Im not buying a new one when the Xbox works fine lol) or Youtube lectures on stuff I'm interested in. I still have the games installed even- I don't even flinch at it anymore. I use it to remind myself of how far I've come and how much willpower I have gained.
- How I honor games: They were an integral part of my youth- to say I had no fun at all would be a lie. So I download gaming soundtracks and watch out occasionally for new games to get a peek at their soundtrack on Apple music. Reminds me of the best parts and still lets me move on gracefully.
- Learn new skills: This is how you keep the time flowing. No matter what. Always keep learning. I discovered MIT courseware recently and my god, with the hours I put into gaming I could be an unofficial MIT graduate in Math/Physic/whatever I choose by now. This is what all the super smart 16-year-olds are doing haha
- Be in public spaces: I love working in Starbucks now. I love seeing that in the outside world- people are living life and getting their shit together. I love reading Philosophy there- currently on the Dialogues of Plato. Even if you aren't talking to others- just be in that presence.
- Define your goals and values: Pick something big and audacious, it will take a lot of work to get there and you will need every minute you can get.
- Start winning I think gaming addiction comes from a fundamental lack of winning/achievements in life. No matter how small- count your victories and slowly but surely they will build.
- Learn how to handle failure/Dark Futures: You will fail many many times, that is life. What matters is getting back up and not escaping to bullshit again. No matter how bleak the future looks(trust me I know how rough it can get) - have a deeper strength that says- I WILL NOT BE BROKEN. Mindset is everything.
I still have a LOONG ROAD ahead of me, I still need to:
- Get my relationship game together
- Find and build a stable career
- Achieve financial independence
- Travel
- Work on my volunteering/doing good in the world
- Be less lonely/more social (only half true now, I have way more people in my life but I would like more)
- Work on my fitness, fashion, grooming a little more etc
But I'm not scared- I've only really been at this for 8-9 months. No matter how many times I am knocked down- I will slowly get back up and keep moving forward.
Always remember:
Failure is inevitable, defeat is optional
You are being given a test my friends, good luck!
Submitted May 03, 2019 at 05:59AM by SameArmy http://bit.ly/2UU7a9n
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