23(f), maybe probably on the spectrum? Halp?

I made this account so I could talk a little more freely, so get ready for a wall of text, bud.

I'm 23(f) and I think I might maybe probably be on the autism spectrum?

My family has always described me as "up-tight", awkward, weird, eccentric, ect but are generally very accepting of my idiosyncrasies. It's hard to boil down what I mean, but the more I look back at my childhood and adolescence the more I see how many boxes I do or did check.

I've always been really sensitive to smells, sounds, textures, bright lights, ect. I can't wear makeup because I smell it too much and the feeling on my skin bothers me all day, I have to wear my socks inside out because the seam bothers me, I can't touch suede or polar fleece because just touching it is like nails on a chalkboard, and if there's too much background noise I can't taste/see/feel as well.

I was always a super weird kid. I had few friends, and the ones I did have were also pretty strange kids. I always got along better with adults or by myself. I realize now that I also didn't play the way the other kids did- apparently spending every recess peeling acorns or lining up rocks was not what the other kids did? No matter how hard I tried to make friends the way the other kids did I was always told I was weird, bossy, psycho, or creepy. I was often told that I "went ape-shit" when I thought my reactions were entirely justified. For the longest time I hated brushing my hair, brushing my teeth, taking showers, changing clothes, ect but changed that after a very poignant intervention (read: organized bullying session?) Where my "friends" sat me down and told me everything I did that was bad. Hooray, middle school! In high school I learned some more social coping mechanism, so I managed to have a group of friends. My main methodology was to just lean into the "character" of my quirks and try to joke about/hide the less acceptible aspects of my being. I figured out pretty quickly that being "inflexible" or slow to understand idioms/sarcasm was seen as negative, so I inflated my need for things to be just so into something people thought was a joke, and learned to only use neutral phrasing in response until I had time to run a phrase through my internal "sarcasm probability calculator". I also became the leader of an after school club which worked well socially, since I had a very defined role and character to play. I've had a number of obsessions in my day, but luckily they were mostly socially acceptible and so people didn't bother me too much about them (though I'm sure I bored them to tears telling them exactly what Paul McCartney was doing today in 1965). A truncated list of my interests over time include Snow White, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, The Beatles, Spongebob, Adventure Time, historical fashions, creepy old Victorian stuff, cobb building, tiny houses, ukulele, bugs, cameras ect...

Routine is my lifeblood. At one time my daily morning routine was the same down to the minute, how many steps I took across the kitchen, and how many rotations I stirred my coffee with. I can (and often do) eat the exact same thing every day for months at a time. I have a very limited wardrobe that I wear in rotation like some kind of cartoon character. I have an ideal seat in every one of my classrooms at university and if my usual seat is taken I am genuinely shaken for that class. Everytime something is different than I planned it's like I can feel myself taking psychic damage. Similarly, I NEED to plan things out. It drives me up the wall that my family will refuse to make definite plans about anything. When making plans I also make a secret plan b, c, d, e, ect so I can give the illusion of being chill and ok with improv. When I was a kid I would regularly get overwhelmed and hide under my blankets, stim by chewing particular stuffed animals, ect. As an adolescent I had what was considered to be a "funny and eccentric happy-dance" of flapping my hands/wiggling my fingers whenever I was super excited or happy about something, but slowly stopped doing it as people found it more annoying. Even now I still smack tables, clap, and bounce when I get very excited no matter how hard I try to appear collected. If stressed or overstimulated, I often chew the inside of my lips or feel the gaps in my teeth with my tongue when in public, but tend to make more strange sounds and clap when I know I'm alone. I've had many a break down over seemingly "nothing" and ended up dizzy, shaking, and crying on public transit. I often find myself needing completely silent showers in the dark after a week out in the world. My roommate seems to be constantly annoyed at me despite me trying my best to do the "good roommate things". Apparently nice friendly normal not-bitchy people have conversations immediately when arriving home, are fine with people touching their stuff, don't critique the way the dishes are arranged, don't have rules about which pillows are decrotive, don't get upset when their almond milk is borrowed, and are super happy and excited when people come over without 3-5 business days of notice.

I've been told I'm very monotone, and verbose, that I have a very neutral resting face, and that I tend to go from laughing/smiling to a completely neutral face with very little transition.

Phone calls are a hellscape. I never know when to talk, I can't tell what anyone means or if they're mad at me, or bored, or what.

I can hear electricity? No one believes me but outlets and light bulbs and tv screens make noise and it's super loud and whiney.

I took a break from college(switched from art to sciences), and since going back I've found a lot of these things to be quite challenging. I'm getting 90s in every class, but I'm struggling to connect with anyone around me and I feel like an alien. Basically the more women on the spectrum I talk to and read from the more I see myself represented. I don't even know what I want from this besides maybe some people to talk to about this?

TL;DR: I've been feeling like a weirdo forever and I think I've maybe found the reason why?

Submitted November 06, 2019 at 03:40AM by throw_this_radish https://ift.tt/36ErYsA