I found you in an open field. I was walking through the forest and saw a man who said his dogs went crazy. He said he thought you died from a bear, that man was an idiot. There are no bears there. I saw you had what looked like a broken ankle and started imagining what did you in. I'm betting you broke your ankle in a hole or something, stumbled out into the field, and just couldn't go on. Birds or coyotes got to you before I did.
I went to find you. I walked and looked for a while, but I found you. You were so fucking gorgeous. I imagined what burying you would be like, I thought of what your antlers would feel like in my hands as i grabbed them to pulled you in. I bet you were heavy. I thought about it and just couldn't do it. I've buried a good amount of small critters, but I couldn't do it. I didn't have a shovel first of all, but it felt so gutwrenchingly wrong to put you in the ground. That's not where you go. You belong under the sky. I went to find you. Fuck. My hands are shaking.
You were so beautiful. I felt mad at that man. Obviously he didnt see the same deer I did. He didnt talk with the respect that you needed to be shown. I dont remember which came first, but if anyone asks me now 'what animal are you'? "Deer" is the only answer they'll get. Well, for a lot of strange slightly odd reasons and real, actually mythical interactions, but you affected me as a person. I am changed. I looked for you, I didnt know the scene I would find.. but I knew you shouldnt be alone. It was on purpose.
Last year I made a self portrait sculpture based on an animal. I pulled allnighters and it made my fingers bleed. Every little stitch I put something of myself into. I spent weeks on it. It's as big as I am, it's only 15lbs but you have to carry her fireman/princess style, i always liked that, and I'll never forget the looks I got carrying her down State Street. Mostly looks, but I got stopped for a few compliments sometimes which was nice, but they were really towards you. She has a name, one I wish I could tell you.
I'm only realizing now that I chose to depict a deer without a face, arms, and wooden branch antlers. I dont recall which came first, I said I found you on purpose, but I know I was meant to. I think about you very often even though it's been months. Stuck under the sky. I live somewhere else now so I could never be able to check in and visit. Probably for the best, but I wonder what ended up happening to you. If I think about you too hard I'll burst into tears. I dont know why.
To put everything in its place, you ARE just some dead animal I found. If I was anything but human, I probably would have eaten you, but I do think about you all the time. My hands are still shaking. You were the most majestic thing I've ever seen, even with parts missing. I stayed a while but the grey clouds and cold breeze said it was time to go. I still dont know what I should have done, if anything at all. I hope with all my heart you might be somewhere else and happy. I'm so sorry.
*I wrote this in my sketchbook late april, and yes it could absolutely be applied as an allegory to anything else I've ever experienced or done in my entire life, but this is about a deer i found last year, without snow on the ground but when it was still cold outside. This is a letter I'll never get to send, and deer probably cant read anyways. I do think that every piece of art I've made since then, has been about him. Dead things have a tendency of creeping up on you like that, I dont mind. He never had a name, I took my camera out to take pictures that day. I took a lot of him, and his empty eye sockets will probably haunt me until the end of my days, but never will I forget. He currently has a life sized portrait, and a 3x5 print of him with embroidery, nails through canvas, with this letter (handwritten first, it looks better like that) stamped beside it. She has a name. I dont have good pictures of her because they should be caught in the forest. I hope that's enough, and no, I dont think I'm actually human. Theres more to it than that.
**link of portrait in comments
Submitted September 25, 2019 at 09:45AM by tothepeopleinmylife https://ift.tt/2n6B27t
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