A Letter.

​

This is the letter I wrote to someone who hurt me very badly. Long story short, I was bullied, isolated, heartbroken, and beaten down over the course of a few months. It probably won't make sense to anyone but the person it's meant for, but I want it out there. I've removed all names and locations. K----- is me

Thursday

The cops had to hold me back from running to my mom's car. I was pleading and crying for them to just let me go home. Let me see my mom. She’s right over there. I was carted away to ------ psych ward and spent 4 hours talking to doctors and waiting. The diagnosis was just a broken heart, so they let me leave. The doctors all came to the consensus that I didn’t need to be there. I told them all I felt and all I knew. I told them the truth, that I didn’t want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. My mom drove 15 over the limit all the way home, went into her room, and sobbed until she fell asleep. I called my friend ------ to tell her I loved her. I called ------- and told her what happened, as I promised I would do earlier that day. I called -- and told him I read his letter, what happened, that I love him, and I’m very glad I could be his friend and Valentine too. I went to bed, and in between cycles of waking up and falling asleep again, I recounted the day's events in vivid detail. The sleep I got was dreamless and dark. 

 I saw my therapist, ---- , who I've been talking to for over a year now. She says I'm not borderline, but the issues with regulating my speech are getting worse. I asked about her BPD because when you both were so confidently sure that was what was wrong, I needed to know. You and ------  giving me that armchair diagnoses and citing it as the reason you dislike me had kept me up at night for weeks. I found myself googling symptoms and looking at every article I could find. I read up on BPD with ---- and found that it's not what's wrong with me, as I don't have most of the major symptoms or even signs of them starting. The outbursts I do have happen maybe every two months. The self-harm was twice in one year and cutting only twice ever. None of which had to do with either of you. This was at my absolute worst. I am able to see when I was wrong and apologize for my actions. There is not a strong fear of abandonment from others. I never engaged in reckless behavior such as abusing drugs or alcohol, unsafe sex with many partners, reckless driving, or binge eating. I never broke off a healthy relationship just because I could. I'm never bored in a crowd of people. It makes sense that the people I have met with BPD are the ones I have the most trouble getting along with. ---- says they're very mean people. My bully from 5th grade. My Ex after we broke up. I know ------ has it too. The one symptom of BPD I have is called emotional dysregulation, which you pointed out and were correct about. I’ve contacted ------  inpatient care about working on coping skills and changing behavior. It's not a great diagnosis, but I'm functional and even "normal" when life is stable. I'm nowhere near a lost cause, and there is a very high chance I'm going to be a fine adult. A little over emotional, but otherwise just fine. Filtering my thoughts and watching my mouth has always been something I needed to work on ever since middle school, and before the abuse. I’ve been working on it since this all happened. My middle school bully used to make little digs and comments about me that added up over time until the end of that year when I snapped. I hit her three times on the arm, called her a brat, and then went to cry on the hill alone. I was usually a pretty tough kid, but it got to me.

---- said I shouldn’t trust people so quickly. She said that I can’t be telling people the different ways I could die, or calling them the worst things imaginable, and I agree. The times I am stable I know better, and I regret it. These are all behaviors that I can change. I know the difference between right and wrong, but you were correct. I don’t think I had control for a while. She says you have the right idea, but you lack the experience in the field. She says to remember that if we all only focused on the worst parts of ourselves, everyone can be diagnosed with something.

The plan after Wednesday the 13th was to apologize to ------ and stop giving special treatment to anyone. If I didn’t move on from this I wouldn’t make it through the semester. I wanted to regard you as just another person which I should have done all along. Wednesday was truly a turning point. I see now looking back that there was no reason to be fighting anyone about anything. I made the choice to apologize when I was angry and suffered the consequences. I said some not nice things as I was leaving, and that’s what I got in major trouble for. I didn't touch her that time, and I wouldn't. I moved further away from her when we were talking because I knew I was getting mad. I couldn’t and I wouldn’t hurt her. I should've never grabbed her hand on Wednesday. Even when I did, I was conscious of my long nails. I didn’t want to dig into her. This interaction was reported as physical and verbal assault. On Wednesday the only threatening thing was my tone. I believe I have a right to express my emotions, but I agree that they are too strong. The goal of that interaction was to have her stop making comments about things that “weren’t my business,” not to threaten her life or harm her. I’ve worked my way through administration trying to have those charges dropped, but it was no use, I broke policy. The outcome of my hearing was that I couldn’t come back anywhere near your club, but the language used made it sound like this outcome was meant to be for my own good. I suppose it was. 

I wasn’t seeking you on Thursday.  When I saw you walk by I sat down to see what you had to say. I expected, if anything, something hard to hear. Getting told the truth makes the back of my head feel warm. It's hard to swallow, and my ears ring. If I hadn’t talked to you I would’ve gone home half an hour later and cried about it. In the end, I got the truth, and I said the meanest thing I could. I thought that there was no point in being civil or kind when you’d already deemed me not worth your time.

I was under the impression that when you turned your back on me we were done. The stranger sitting behind you at one of the tables looked at me. I looked back and told him something about how I was already dead, or I was going to die. I walked through ---- and broke the handle of the basket on the table. I got from ----- what he’d been told. I’d apparently been neglecting the way I interacted with people other than you. I was made aware of how annoying, loud, and confusing I was to listen to. Even when I was “happy” I couldn’t think about what was saying and don’t remember what conversations were about. My own perspective was completely skewed and unusable.

Four months after moving away from my dad was when I started to feel much better. Before the events of my first spring semester, I was excited and enthusiastic to start over. I was really very naïve. Trying to embrace all the sins of anime club at once is when the cracks in my armor started to show. That summer was a stress and heat-induced haze of misery and self-loathing, but by the end, I felt better again. I was on the upswing. Many stressors few know about in full started to affect me each day though, and they pushed me into survival mode. Everything started around three weeks after I met you, and around the same time as -----. I got the email from my Ex and I was told I was moving. My mom kept leaving to be with her boyfriend, and I spent most days alone with nothing to do. I just upped my antidepressant. I had bloodwork done for my thyroid. I had finally started to feel ground under my feet after last semester when I was pushed back. The future looked bleak and blurry and the universe had shifted an inch to the left. I felt so tired that I couldn’t even plan a meeting with my therapist. My mom was going on and on about growing up. She wouldn’t plan a meeting for me, and even though she meant well I was struggling and needed the help. I took it out on you and I know I dragged ------ in too, although part of me thought she stayed in the drama for the theatre of it all,

 I’d been going through the motions. I gave more to others than I am able to. I’m in emotional debt to myself. I go home on a weekend and sleep the whole time, exhausted from giving everyone my best when most don’t deserve it. I forget to eat sometimes. I get my homework done, participate in class, and put on a smile for others. I don’t work on art outside of school as much. Game Grumps doesn’t make me laugh as much as it used to. Sometimes I was genuinely happy. Those were the times where you and ------ weren’t there. I’d been losing myself, and only now do I remember that I’m not always happy and I don’t like to be touched all the time, which really started to get to me. I’m smart, skilled, and hardworking too. It’s important that I keep some good attributes in mind. 

 I knew you helped me a lot back in September. When I met you I stopped having dreams about my assault. You gave helpful advice, and you introduced me to chess and who I thought was a great group of friends. Talking with you felt like I was being listened to for a change, and I had been trying to get that feeling over and over. It felt like I was using you. It was weird to be giving you one thing and everyone else another thing, it was obvious I was treating you different. I didn’t know what to do when you stopped talking as much to me in October. How could I explain that I was trying and failing to accommodate you? That if one day I wanted to speak to you again I didn’t want you to be gone forever. I never thought like that before, except with maybe my mom. There was a point where it became visceral, all I knew was that I wanted “more you.” You were right about that. It’s a behavior thing that I need to fix. 

 You saw this as idolizing you and putting you on a pedestal. I don’t think I reached that point and if I did I wasn’t conscious of doing so. Believe me when I say there was a battle between the rational brain and bad brain. Bad brain told me he’s all you could ever want, a beautiful person who practically saved your life. Rational brain reminds me he’s just another person with thoughts and feelings you know nothing about, calm down and just be yourself. Bad brain said do nice things for him and maybe he’ll let you in again. Rational brain said you can do something nice, just don’t expect reciprocation, he doesn’t owe you anything. Bad brain said screw move order, go for the queen even though you're down in material. Bad brain said if he gives you what you want, you might feel like yourself again. Rational brain says that’s not true, go see ---- and change your meds. Rational brain says move out and into the dorms, you’ll be a lot less stressed. Teenage girl brain says he’s so pretty, what color are his eyes, aren’t they blue? Rational brain said no, you’re not helping, and quit staring cause it’s creepy. Hindsight is 20/20, and I feel like if I saw my therapist during that time, the rational brain could’ve had back up and won. 

I truly felt like dying that day. But I was never one to show off. Thinking falling from the fourth floor would be too extravagant I went to sit outside until I froze, but it was too warm out. I’d been seeing the world in front of me turn from red to gray. When my world turns gray, the only way I can think to make the pain stop is by death. You were calling my phone and I didn’t want to answer. There was nothing left to tell you. In denial, I clasped my hands and just prayed that you didn’t mean it all. That you were just angry. That it wouldn’t be impossible when I was better in a few weeks for us to get along. That we could be friends without me overthinking things and asking too much from you. You could be a friend that I look up to and respect, and not someone I want to be with when I snapped out of it. A reliable friend, but not all I could rely on. There was no point and those thoughts dropped out of my head. I went too far, and it was over. I had to keep repeating to myself “He meant it.”

On Wednesday when I talked to you I knew that it was the last time I ever wanted to bring all this garbage up, aside from this letter. I should've told you how I planned to ask someone else out, because I did, even though I wasn't really ready to do that either. Tell you that it's time I got over it once and for all because I could be doing literally anything else, like working on my issues instead of worrying about a boy. None of this because it mattered to you, but I thought it would make me feel better. I wrote a letter for you that day that I really regret writing now, as it didn't wrap things up properly and would’ve had more of the opposite effect. Needless to say, I'm glad you never read it. It would've made things worse. It was full of things I'd been believing to be the truth when it was only bits and pieces of false information, some of which ------ was feeding me, strung together by overthinking.

Monologue

Of course, you would’ve loved romance, K-----. He reminds you of pictures of soldiers long gone. He has a timeless beauty unmatched by anyone. Of course, you would’ve loved more than he could give you. You know all you want is to hold his hand. You were walking on air when he gave you a sympathy hug, not because of how it felt physically but it means he trusts you, right? You don’t think about things past that, you still think it’s gross when people kiss on TV, but wouldn’t it be really nice to hold his hand? It’s fine so long as you don’t ask for it, right? Only think about it. Keep it in your head. Maybe tell your close friends. You didn’t ask, but your actions were practically pleading. “I bet ---- thinks you’re cute,” “No he doesn’t.” Make him pity you. Make him feel bad for it. No one ever loved you for you, so pretend to be someone else. Wait, why is ------ getting his attention? Why is he putting his arm on the back of her chair? Why is she so close all the time? Where are they going together all the time? Oh no. He’s holding her hand. They’re together, K-----, and you pushed them there when you were busy being mean to them. You’re an idiot. Eyes front. Pretend it’s not happening. Pretend you’re happy for them, but that’s not difficult, because you are happy for them, right? You only want the best for him, and she’s a good friend who you’d tell anything. K-----, you’re still staring. Tell ------ she’s beautiful because she is. He deserves a pretty girl like her. She deserves someone who can ground her thoughts too. Wave to him like you’re not jealous. But K-----, it’s written on your face. You keep saying things under your breath that you can’t hear over your thoughts. You’re looking at the side of his face, and it’s not becoming any less beautiful than it always was. You still like him. He keeps telling you that he’s uncomfortable around you. K-----, it’s not the same as how you’re uncomfortable with him. He says you’re mean to him. ------ is uncomfortable with you, you can’t see it but you’ve been scowling at her for a while. K-----, are you in there? Who’s making you think like this? Oh wait, it’s all you. It’s always been you. This is a part of you. Hang on, they stopped being together. Things are better again. Resume.

I wrote that a long time ago now. Reading it makes me upset. I’m embarrassed and don’t feel the same way as I used to.

Reminder

K-----, think back to high school. All you wanted was for Q------ to hold your hand. Why didn’t you do all the things you’re doing now to him? It took a year for you to tell Q------ you had a crush on him. Why did it only take a few days this time? It’s because you’re sick, K-----. This isn’t a part of you. You haven’t been happy for such a long time. This isn’t the time to be looking for love. You have to focus on you first. It hasn’t been long since you were in a relationship with someone who threatened death nearly every day. She used to get mad when you’d tell others they were pretty. She used to get jealous of the way you treated ------, and not her. A week after meeting you she said the same thing. She had a crush on you and you were the most beautiful person she’d ever met. K-----, you aren’t her. You don’t do this. That relationship wasn’t healthy, and you knew you had to leave. You are sweet and kind. There’s no room in your heart for hatred. You draw the beautiful people you love. You make them your muse, you don’t lust after them. You give presents that they can use, and show your appreciation. You work on yourself so that one day you can find someone like them. You know he’s been hurt before. You know this isn’t going to help him. So much is out of your control, and it’s not your business, so you know it’s not all your fault right? Please find some peace with that. You know better than to manipulate people, don’t you? K-----, where did you go? You know more than anyone just how this feels. She messed with your head more than you thought. You’ve been overthinking it too long. ---- can help you sort this out, but you haven’t seen her because of the move. Are you sure you can do this alone?

I couldn’t do it alone.

The End

20 minutes later and the cop found me. I didn’t want to tell him anything, because if I kept my mouth shut I could go home. I could’ve said I was meditating, lie and say I wasn’t thinking about jumping off the terrace because I’d break something and pass out. Not because of the possibility I’d go into a coma for a while and forget it all happened.  Eventually, you came outside too. I just looked at your boots. I recalled the officer asking if you were my friend. I heard yes, but I knew more or less it was just the simplest answer you could give. When you left I remember telling the female officer that she could shoot me with her gun, and should. I remember saying if I turned my nose up in the rain, would I drown? If I go down the river instead of across would I bleed out faster? My mom just got new steak knives and they’re very sharp. What she must’ve heard was that I needed help. I don’t know if you heard the same thing when you walked away 20 minutes ago. 

I don’t know what the point in saying that was. I hadn’t eaten anything in 24 hours. I didn’t have much food at home. Seeing you have healthy food reminded me I can’t eat the things at school anymore and I’d have to wait. I didn’t have the time in the morning to pack a lunch. They were about to move me when you came out again. I didn’t see your face but I saw you had untucked your shirt, and I heard the officer tell you to go back in. I don’t know if you saw the rest. Me complaining about the cost of an ambulance ride in America, and how was I supposed to pay for it. Me screaming for them to just let me go, and the officers were telling me to not make a scene. I had black tracks of eyeliner and mascara making a run for my throat. I was patted down for sharp objects and had my backpack searched. I heard the voice of someone from the school newspaper asking what was going on, and the officers telling her “Not this one.” You missed my mom seeing me wheeled away on a gurney, and the look on her face when I said to her across the parking lot, “I told you I was having a bad day!”

Looking back all I really wanted was food and a hug from my mom. For someone, anyone, to tell me that tomorrow this will be all over. For anyone to give me the instructions on how to make up for the lost time. For the stats to come up at the end of the game, telling me what I did right and wrong. I wanted to start over. Take my brain out, wash it, and put it back. My world to have color again. I needed all the outside issues to be resolved so I could focus on what I care about most. I know there are people who love me, I had just read a note from -- telling me so many kind things. Bless his heart and anyone who told me that I’m worth it. I’m thankful for all the people who lent me an ear and supported my rational brain. I thanked ----- for calling campus security. I stayed alive because it’s worth finding more of those people out there and bettering myself by learning from them. I asked you once if you thought anyone would miss me if I was gone. You said "Everyone that knows you," or something to that effect. I immediately counted you out of those people. If someone is happier without you, they probably don’t miss you at all. I thought for sure you wouldn’t miss me if I left you alone. But still, I don’t think you’d want me to leave the earth just for that to happen no matter how cold you seem.

I don't want to hate you. There's no point, and hatred takes the energy I don't have. The only frustration that remained was the potential for me to not get into the schools I want because of the assault charges. I don’t hate her either for the same reasons though. Looking at it from the outside you never even did anything "bad" to me, just told me no. I don't think you're the best person ever, there are things that I do not like about you, but they don't cancel out your better qualities. For a while, I'd been trying to balance out the good and bad aspects of you in my head, but you made it clear I should forget about the possibility of being your friend. In the rare times where I'd seen how genuine you could be, I cared a lot for you. I worried on that day you saw your Ex. I worried about your wellbeing as well as ------ after that all happened. I felt awful, and I thought I had ruined your friendship completely. I thought about contacting him a few times because I never wished ill will on him. When you were just a little less put together than you usually are, I'd wonder if you were okay. It's funny because if it wasn't something outside of school no one knew about it was me getting on your nerves that made you upset. I also kept telling myself that you could handle it, but it wasn't right, even if you could. I kept trying to push more onto you. I worry for people no matter what. Wishing I could help you is just another thing that led to me becoming a big problem. 

So in the time that I haven’t spoken to you, a lot changed. I was MHA’d two more times and racked up nine thousand dollars in debt, got kicked out of my mom’s house, and buried my cat Raven after she was hit by a car on the first of April. I tried my best to avoid all of you and not cause more trouble. It was extremely difficult to have my friends taken away from me so abruptly. I struggled to find places to be, and what was worse was a constant fear that I was haunting you somehow. I tried talking to all the higher-ups at the school to get MHA policy changed, but it’s a very frustrating process. After spending another 12 hours in ------ psychiatric purgatory, I canceled all my classes for the Fall semester and applied for --------. I think it’s best that I leave --- for good, I don’t think I’ve had one decent experience there. I’ve been accepted into -------- and I’m happy as hell that I don’t have to try and dodge ------ and ----- anymore. I got a new car and I’m living comfortably at my dad’s house. I thought you had blocked me on your phone, so I think I texted you saying you suck a few times. I kept having nightmares about you and ------, it made me feel better to “attack” something, but that’s not a good behavior either, so instead, I just tear pieces of paper and talk to my new cat, Geddy. I got a decent grade in Anthro, got like a 188 out of 200 points on the journal (couldn’t do the graffiti PFJ). The drawings that I did with lipstick in October after having a fight with you won me 200 dollars at the ------ Gallery. I heard that you’re going to ---. I hope they’ve got the right programs for you. Don’t party too hard. I heard things about you from ----- that I didn’t want to know about. I never thought you were some sort of angel, but these were things that seemed very contradictory to the way you present yourself. Hearing from him what he heard you and ------ do make me physically ill if I’m being honest. But I’m glad now that I was nowhere near y’alls wild parties. I never liked that you guys tried to keep secrets from me, but I guess it was for the better, even if I found out all of them anyway. 

Here’s the final thought. I do not hate you, and I won’t. You’re not like anyone I’ve ever known. I’m not a sore loser about what happened anymore. I’ve learned a lot, and what’s done is done. Thank you for caring just enough to make sure I lived. I fully intend to continue therapy, meds, and boundaries. My mom says apologies mean nothing if the action doesn’t change, and I hope in these past few months you’ve seen at least some change. So, I’m sorry. I have spent months squashing “what if’s” into the ground and I accept what happened. I wanted to talk to you, but I needed to let you go. 

Submitted September 28, 2019 at 11:40PM by needsomehelpthrowout https://ift.tt/2nBWDEP