(Justno / Narc Mom) Came Face To Face w/ a Kirby Look Alike (directed here from justnomil)

Hi. I used to post in r/justnomil but was recently directed to here instead. If this isn't the appropriate outlet just let me know. I feel like venting about her again so a place to shout it out into the world would be very nice. Thank you for your time

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[This is cross-posted to a couple support groups.]

Intro ahead, skip over if you already know my story, reddit peeps.

BULLET POINTS!! The sight of them makes my inner Leslie Knope tingle with joy.

Kirby is/was/did/yada-yada:
- Dead by her own hand via the embrace of pain meds @ the end of 2018. (accidental overdose they ruled it. We think she was trying to be found & get to the hosital so she could blame me/us.) - Tried to kill me 24-48 hours before she died. Failed thanks to my Russian teddy bear hubs.
- Had an APS case opened against her 24-48 hours before her death.
- Was mid 50s.
- Lived in the house owned by me, Hubs, & Bro. The family house was foreclosed on (her fault cause bills did not apply to her dontcha know). So the young people moved out & Kirby + Dad followed.
- When my dad had a near death episode that left him a husk for YEARS I became his caretaker happily & willingly. Kirby forced me to care for her non-compliant ●ss as well.
- Kept screaming that the house belonged to her & all the household paychecks (hub's & Bro's jobs + Dad's disability) were rightfully hers. - Could not get her evicted or put in a home thanks to her manipulation, fog, fear, abuse, & a legal web she wove like a f●ckin' doily.
- The week/2 weeks before her death we were getting lawyers for Dad's divorce, eviction, & the beginning for ROs.
- Was an expert in the art of mental, verbal, covert sexual, religious, medical, & physical abuse. As well as wearing the poor liddle ol' lady cloak & actress mask. - Had me as essentially slave labor for my whole life. I have an outlier memory (I was told that is the word) & can recall fragments from a very young age. My earliest memory is my Bro's birth @ 4 years old. Shortly after that it was my mother Kirby having me work in her store. I started by wrapping glass & cleaning up before I was 5. By the time I was 10/11 I was running her booth at the 100°+ outdoor & dangerous flea market while she wandered around, leaving me & my 6/7 yo brother alone to sell stuff. By 12/13 I did it alone, though then my dad was there to watch & protect me. Around the same time as the flea market I was given the responsibility of running her Ebay shop on my own. By 19 she went behind my back & got me as well as her a job @ a family acquaintances antique shop. 3-5 days a week, 10 hours a day, & a 20 hour shift once a year. Within 6 months she "quit" & had me work for her paycheck & I went to 5-6 days a week w/ days off spent working on her booth. She kept all the money & "let me buy things" to the tune of $40-$60 a month when I brought in quad digits. This was the first time I was really allowed to spend any of the money I earned (my dad gave me pocket change so I did have some money but he did it behind her back I think) I was forced to sell my own possession as well as actual stock because "don't be selfish, we need the money. We need to eat" as she was spending between $100-$1,000 5-6 times a day at thrift stores on herself & "stock". I made anywhere from $100 - $350ish a week by my work before the antique shop because I was not allowed to invest in the business itself. I also only recall selling a dozen or so of her things over those years. Plus my dad made a LOT of money at his work, enough to fund our lives & put back a chunk of rainy day funds. But she spent it like water.

So I am in my late 20s, over 2 decades being crushed under her heel while being manipulated to kiss her boot even as it turned my bones to dust. 2014 we moved & the abuse intensified when the home was mine. Eventually it boiled over so that my fog popped at the same time her family mask's strings snapped. Leaving me to slowly see the truth, then my family. But she is gone & the healing is happening. Slowly but it is going. I hope her hateful & evil ●ss is being roasted by demons.

• My dad was not a narc or enabler, he was abused & threatened with the loss of my Bro & I if he ever twitched out of line. He worked away from home for days if not weeks at a time & Kirby stepford momed it when he was home. So he had no clue until after his incident.
  
• I will not do therapy. I tried. The therapist F'ed me up really bad. Scolded me for my PTSD triggers & coping skills. It was bad. I am mentally sorting it all out on my own just fine. When I saw a councilor (before evil therapist & now sadly no longer in the area) I shocked her with how quick I unpacked things & the analogies I used. In fact, no joke cause I laughed my ●ss off at it, she wrote some down in her weird journal handbook thing after asking my permission to use them. Maybe someday I will open up to a psych person again, but no time soon.
  
• A pinned post on my profile has the whole history of my Kirby posts linked on it.
  
  • I am Christian (not sure if that needs said or not but it is a big part of who I am). & I had my religion used against me along w/ the other abuse. To the point that thinking of actually trying to read the Bible again gives me a mild panic attack. I am working on that.
  • Lastly, thanks for all the kind words & support I have gotten. I would not have been able to part the fog as I needed to.
    

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TL:DR @ the bottom

So long time no post. Stuff is fading & I am getting better. My health is being seen to. Nightmares are once or twice a month now instead of about 4-6 a week.

Anyway, what I wanted to share was how terrified I became this week. Hubs took me out on date night to my fav restaurant in our old town.

A few things that impact what happened:

1. I haven't been to old town maybe twice since Kirby ODed. I lived there with her & the fam for like 14 or so years.

2. I haven't been to the restaurant since she was alive. The last time there on a date w/ hubs she decided to make a disaster since my attention was not on her narc self. "Forgot" to take her meds then forced herself into a diabetic high that had her in the hospital. She "didn't remember any of her meds" even though she went to the hospital so much she could have just said same as before. She also needed me there right now. So we left before finishing & rushed back for me to sit in a hospital room all night & into the next day getting yelled at because she apparently knew more about NPO than me. Calling me a liar when I told her that NPO includes water. Screaming that the nurse never said that.

3. No one in our area really looks like Kirby. She was pasty pale & greasy/soft/doughy. Like a yucky, grungy pillsbury dough boy left out to discolor. Oversized pores, freckles, liver spots, skin tags, stretch marks, sun speckles, & red spots all over her body. Massively overweight but not just normal overweight, swollen + puffy would be the best descriptor.

Her hands were like old school cartoon gloves. Fingers puffy & undefined, shallow straining dimples above her knuckles pulled tight as possible. Wrinkles nearly missing from massively swollen finger joints, nasty thin + rippled + yellowed nails that looked like they were stapled on. Fesh mushrooming around them that was bloody, cut, peeling, nasty. Puffy, swollen forearms that you knew had hefty muscles beneath the fat. Skinny stick upper arms that showed bone & muscle, flaps of skin hanging off of them like flesh drapes. Frighteningly fit/taught calves & emaciated looking upper legs w/ their own skin flaps. Giving Kirby a weeble on stilts effect.

Overall she was built like the rock that Spongebob & Squidward rode in the Krusty Krab pizza episode. Just a bit taller than me @ 5'6" or so. Hunched stance like old sketches of circus bears so maybe she was taller.

A.... presence, can't describe it well. You just.... knew she was there. Like, well I hate to compare it because it wasn't so powerful, but almost like a miasma. Plus a literal miasma of stench from her nasty nearly non existant hygiene.

Greasy hair like the chick from the ring, only a bit more brown & shoulder length. Her eyes dead like a shark's, heavy lids low so that her gaze was always menacing. Eyebrows that were so scant they were barely on her face. Droopy eyes set deep, the brow shelf/bone low. Deep frown lines & thin, constantly scowling lips. Large almost buck teeth that were almost always visible w/ a gap between the first 2. Cheeks that were more jowl than not, drooping like a bulldog. Mushy, flat nose that was barely more than flesh slapped on her face.

Basically very troll like or as I have used before walrus like. (Please don't say I am fat hating, I am just describing. I am pretty overweight myself •waves fatpass like white flag•)

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So now that some of you may need eyebleach (sorry). Hubs took me on a shopping & dinner date. My fav out of town restaurant (chinese buffet, I am not fancy at all, hahaa) was a big treat cause it had been a year plus since I was able to go.

Not many things triggered memories of her since old town has changed massively over the last 5 years. Just a big, Target sized thrift store she used to go to at least 5-6 days a week & spend $75-$1,000 98% of the visits.

Hubs & I like thrift shops a lot, it is one of our shared hobbies. He knew about the memories so instead of auto pulling into the lot like we normally would he asked. I said that the memories are too bad there & he said he understood. Then trash talked the shop a bit to make me feel better, hahaa.

Nothing else made me think of Kirby, I was happy & carefree. Halfway through dinner I was standing by the crab rangoons, a fav of mine I rarely ever got until this past year. Kirby would get them all the time & say they were too expensive to get more than one serving of 8 or so. Then she would eat them all in front of us while yelling that they were hers. (See at the top for the extra salt where she made no money, my dad worked a dang good job, & I was slave labor for her resale sh•t)

So of course I was smiling as I grabbed some, my forward conscious brain not even realizing my subconscious was prob mulling over the bad history. When I saw a hand piece my space bubble from the corner of my eye. A pudgy, doughy hand so swollen the knuckle creases were nearly non existant, the dimples straining & shallow. The forearm attached pale & marshmallow like, swollen. Dotted in freckles, oversized pores, sun speckles, & red spots.

I felt my heart freeze up & my blood run cold, ever nerve in my body fired up & I felt like I was drowning. I was frozen, my feet glued to the ground as waves of electricity ran up & down my spine & into my brain.

I felt like my eyes creaked as I forced them up the arm, over the loose T-shirt, past the ring chicka's hair in darkest brunette. Across the jowls, frown crevices, thin lips, flesh blob of a nose. Into she heavy lidded dead shark eyes.

My heart released & I was able to breath when in that split second that held onto me like an eternity I realized that it was a man in my space bubble. It wasn't Kirby. Kirby was dead.

I had thought I composed myself when I went back to my husband. But apparently my hand didn't get the memo my brain & face put out. He looked at my plate & asked if I was okay, if it was too heavy. My left hand was shaking like a leaf.

Hubs calmed me down & the rest of the night was calm & fun. It was just those 2 blips. One small & one heart chilling. No one in this area looks remotely like her. Sure I run into similar attitudes. People that have 1 or 2 traits that match, maybe even 3. But no one who was a dead ringer in all but age, smell (dude didn't have any smell at all), & gender. Never said anything or acted weird so may not have been an attitude match either.

It was terrifying & gave me nightmares the next 2 nights.

TL:DR

I ran into gender bend, stink free, de-aged Kirby in a buffet & went full Bambi.

Submitted August 21, 2019 at 08:10PM by Twinkie_Face_1991 https://ift.tt/33P5fsE