I’m in high school and I don’t have any friends to talk about serious stuff or even little things that I care about with. I was in this group of friends but I never talked much cause I never know what to say and we didn’t share much of the same interests. When we hung out I’d be the odd one out and I didn’t feel like I belonged. I’ve been around them for a many years but now I’ve drifted apart from them but we’re still friendly. I think it’s for the best because I’ve been with them too long and I keep leaving and coming back cause I felt like I was trying too hard and they felt the most comfortable to hang out with but I never really connected with them. Sometimes I try to talk to them but they leave me on read or it goes no where. They seem to talk to each other easily though. Now it’s summer and I don’t have anyone to hang out with so it’s kind of boring and lonely. I joined twitter a couple months ago to find stuff about my interests and I didn’t think I’d stay but I did. Also I’m a lesbian and most of the stuff I like are shared with many people I found on twitter unlike irl I didn’t have anyone to share that kind of stuff with. On twitter, I’ve met some people and I did make a friend but they’re on vacation right now. Also I joined a group chat but they seem close to each other and I kinda feel odd being there. I’d like to talk to other people on twitter too who seem interesting but I don’t know how and I feel like it would be weird. So yeah I don’t really have anyone to talk to or hang out with or share my interests with.
Right now I just feel kind of shitty. I could keep living and maybe be an artist or scriptwriter or something to do with film but then what? I don’t know how to feel. I feel like everything and everybody could be fake. Like everyone is an npc but then i feel obligated to stay for my family because they would have to deal with the mess if I killed myself but also... maybe they’re not real and I shouldn’t care. Sometimes I feel like I care too much and worry too much. I also feel like I always have to be productive or else my brain will beat me up about wasting time and it’s so annoying but yeah so many contradicting thoughts are in my brain. I used to want to be in a science or tech job but then I realized I was just forcing myself and I should go somewhere into art because that’s what I want more and the worlds gonna end anyway.
So, these thoughts are just floating in my head. I think I get worked up about some little things easily too and my brain goes overboard. Like someone didn’t respond to a message and I think I might have scared them off. This caused me to quickly come up with a bunch of thoughts like how I don’t belong anywhere and I didn’t know what to do and I couldn’t sleep so I browsed my phone, which I’ve been doing every night but shouldn’t. I do it to distract myself from my thoughts but social media can also be addicting so there goes a good mix.
Actually I don’t think I’d kill myself cause I’m too scared but sleeping forever would be nice. I don’t have a mental issues or anything I think so sometimes I don’t feel valid sharing my thoughts like other people have it harder probably. I don’t really self harm but I’d think about it when my mind goes overboard. I mean I just use a red pen and draw marks over my body. Sometimes I drag lines across myself with my nails but it doesn’t leave much of a mark.
Yeah my mind is all over the place and maybe some things just shouldn’t be questioned so I don’t worry and overthink like the meaning of life and existence and if anything is real. If you read through this thanks.
Submitted July 16, 2019 at 09:58PM by anotheraccount1021 https://ift.tt/2jLxV3m
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