looking for insight

not sure if there's a specific sub for this, but i'm posting here because this sub seems extremely insightful and caring. i realize my issue is not nearly as important as many others being presented here, but i am going kind of crazy with my thoughts and anything would be really appreciated ( : sorry for the long post - i ramble when im emotional.

im 27yo AMAB - thought i was cis, then nonbinary, but now think i might be MtF trans.

i have always been on the feminine side. when i was a kid, i played with dolls, only ever wanted to hang out with girls, kissed the color pink whenever i saw it, and so on. i have vague memories of being in the bath alone and fantasizing about having a vagina instead of a penis. i called myself a girl. i had a fake tv show in my mind in which i imagined myself as a female host/star. i stopped all of this as i grew up due to bullying and being told i was basically acting out of line. i started behaving "according to my assigned gender" throughout my late childhood and adolescence. i played sports with guys, hung out with bro-ish types, etc. but always felt weirdly removed from the group. i still got bullied by some of the guys i hung out with, and never fit in. in my late teens, i started to find myself a bit more. i began creative pursuits (theatre, music, film ) and because those circles were more accepting i started wearing (slightly) more feminine clothes, makeup here and there, and sometimes painting my nails. this always made me extremely happy, but more because it was fun than anything else, i thought. being trans or anything other than my assigned gender didn't occur to me because (and this is of course dumb, but im from a small-ish place and was not educated about such things) i wasnt gay. i was a bit bi but really just curious, and have always dated women. anyway, throughout my life, my body has caused me a lot of problems. i was always fighting with it. and ive always been severely underweight to the point of being consistently bullied and teased about it. 2 years ago i was diagnosed with a rare/serious immune disease that affects my digestive system, ending the mystery surrounding the war my body has been waging on me since i can remember. in the two years since, ive come more in touch with myself, like i passed a level in a video game and achieved new potentials for expression and clarity. but i still feel not at home in my body, and am constantly uncomfortable with how i feel inside of it. im not worried about how its perceived by others so much as how it fits me - like a shirt that doesnt quite fit right, itches, etc. anyway, now to the point - all my life, in my happiest moments i've felt extremely feminine. ive always felt like an outsider in groups of men. my friend group is almost all women. i love wearing feminine clothes, makeup, feeling pretty, feeling sexy in a sort of soft way (lol, no idea if that makes sense). i relate heavily to female art and narratives. i love all things "girly" (in a traditional sense - ie, everything i mentioned earlier that i liked when i was a kid). i started feeling mounting dysphoria over the past year or so. and just recently told two of my best friends that i think i might be a trans woman. since then, ive woken up every day thinking about it. wondering if i truly am, what my deal is, if i want to be a woman or if this will change, if im just nonbinary, if im just girly. i have no idea whats going on - maybe nothing?? if i am indeed trans, when i think about telling my family i feel immense dread, not because they are bigots - they will accept it, but i fear they will forever treat me differently and look at me like im a stranger. or someone they once knew but now dont. and it makes me feel beyond sad. it makes me think about just abandoning all of this and hoping it will pass. but at the end of the day, when i think about feeling free to be who i want - its almost always a woman, sometimes bi-gender - i feel so happy. and when i feel like a woman, i feel like myself in a big way. but its always hard to know if what im feeling is real. i have been presenting as femme from time to time and really liking it. but i still just dont know. i guess im wondering what, based on the (very long- sorry!) story above, y'all think. any advice, speculation, similar stories, etc would be soooo appreciated. thanks again, and love to u all ~ ~ ~

Submitted July 27, 2019 at 05:52PM by techangel69 https://ift.tt/2Oo85Rz