For the past four years, I have been experiencing "off and on" body dysphoria - "off and on" in the sense that I have tried to ignore and suppress it through distracting myself in my life - and this past month or so it's actually gradually gotten worse.
Kind of expected from bottling up this feeling, I suppose, but it fucking sucks.
I look in the mirror and see the bearded, lean dude that I'm accustomed to and suddenly feel like it isn't "me" at all. But then I get all Buddhist and ask myself, "Well, what is 'I', anyways? There is no self, I'm just a character within this grand existence, and I just need to accept myself as such and move on."
But I start to reflect upon my earlier years when I was around 12 when I started to feel "off" around the guys and felt more "connected" when hanging out with girls. I remember having this wish that I could be 4'11" or stay at 5'3" as I continued to grow a foot taller - 6'3" - and even wishing I could be a girl instead of a guy, which I had no idea what that meant for me seeing as I grew up in an environment where being a man was encouraged greatly for myself, not in the "macho" sense, but in the, "I am a sophisticated man who understands many things about the world and am well read, up to date with culture, understand the finer things in life, know how to groom myself correctly, but also will not hesitate to kick someone's ass if they are a threat to my family and friends.", sense.
(I remember being called a "faggot" during these times because supposedly I acted, "girly", because I was sensitive, or some shit.)
Throughout high school, I experienced a lot of at home trauma that I won't get into, but one of the craziest things I remember was seeing my Dad fall apart and a huge aspect of this observation was seeing him bounce back and forth in contradictions between constantly talking to me about what, "Being a man", was about, and then talking about, "You can be whoever you want to be, if you're feminine at times that's okay", and then back to, "See, this is what it means to be a man!"
And my peers would get on my ass because I was always friends with girls but rarely moved anything past platonic interactions, but of course, the toxic masculinity of both my household and my friend group led me to fucking become a mess of my own self and relationships.
I wasn't into sports, I couldn't get into the "machoness" of what the football or soccer teams expressed, it was just too much for me. I was more into video games, art, politics, and philosophy, which is just something normal as a human being. I don't think it has to do with being transgender more than it has to do with being me, but so many people tended to believe that my "sensitiveness" and "kindness" and all was "feminine".
And then I'm trying to search for "God" in the meantime throughout high school because I wanted to become "enlightened" so that all my depression would go away and I could figure out a wise philosophy to soothe my family's crises.
Then I wake up in the middle of the night, I believe my Junior or Senior year, and have this fucking awful discomfort within my body, while the thought in my head starts spinning like a cyclone, "God I wish I was born in a biologically female body, why couldn't I have been born a girl? I wish I didn't have a penis, I wish I had more fat on my body, I wish there was estrogen in my body, why the hell can't I have XX chromosomes?"
And then I'm laying in my bed, saying to myself, "Oh fuck. Am I transgender?", then I start to look up things, see gender and body dysphoria, connect to that like fucking crazy, and then I say to myself, "Oh... fuck. I probably am."
And then a heart-sinking feeling because I knew my parents, though they may "act" like they were tolerant of other people, would probably not want their son to be trans, because, you know, I have to provide grandchildren, my Mom wants to be a Grandma, my Dad wanted me to be like he was because I reminded him so much of himself back in his teen years.
Ahh fuck, nature, I can't believe you've done this. Wish life was more simple but damn the universe is challenging me, ain't it?
I pushed it down for most of the year, while envy popped up like it did when I was 12 where I wished I could be a girl, seeing my friends wearing cute ass clothing that I wish I could wear without being fucking bashed for it, seeing my Mom and sister getting their nails done and hair done, wishing I could too.
Seeing a friend have long hair, no beard, no hair on his arms or legs, almost like they were waxed, wishing I was able to be like that too because I hate hair on my legs and arms... Uhhh... hmmm... he actually might have been androgynous.
Looking at my genitals and being like, "Well fuck, I don't like this thing at all. I really don't."
Looking at other attractive guys... and girls... and having this weird thought of, "If I was a girl..."
Watching movies and wishing I was the woman, in that fancy ass dress with the slit. Or seeing Ariana Grande's cute ass outfits, wishing I could be a short girl so I could wear that.
Looking at pornography when I was horny and being jealous of the actresses. Wait... what?
WHAT THE FUCK!?
What the fuck! I couldn't even enjoy getting myself off without wishing I wasn't a dude?! Who the fuck am I anymore. I feel like a fucking freak, a creepy ass motherfucker, like society seems to say!
Oh, but then I go to Europe, right? And you know, I try to distract myself with my "manliness", or some shit, because that's what Dad would've wanted, and I'm enjoying my time in another country, backpacking alone in Berlin, and hooking up with women occasionally but instead of enjoying my time hooking up I can't help but think, "God, this doesn't seem right at all, I wish I was a woman."
Why do I wish I was a woman?
Is there some scientific explanation towards all this? Yes. Is there some spiritual explanation? Uh, yeah. Wow, I look into the history of transgender expression and see that certain cultures actually embraced these expressions as a sign from divinity. That's kind of nice - no, I'm supposed to be a man, by some fucked up standard that actually ended up tearing apart my own father.
Fuck society. I go and pour myself a glass of wine in my uncle and aunt's house in Germany and hope no one accidentally opens the guest room door to me swaying my hips "femininely" to Lily Allen and Charli XCX. Fuck you, I want to be a woman, fuck you, I want to express my femininity.
Nah, then I look in the mirror with my fucking beard and am all of a sudden shaming myself. This is like a constant battle within my mind. I have a deep voice, anyways, and an adam's apple that's about the size of a fucking alien egg, it's totally gonna hatch when I die - I was self-conscious about that back in middle school. Wish I didn't have it.
I remember saying I wish I didn't have an adam's apple to someone and they asked, "What, you wish you were a girl?". Externally shook my head, internally screaming, "YES! FUCK!!"
But I can hit a high note while singing, I'm good at falsetto, I'm good at making voices too, I could probably do a feminine voice, some women's voices are deep too!
Two years pass by.
I'm working jobs, I'm making music, I'm writing, I'm distracting myself, I'm looking at images of Shiva and Krishna on pinterest because they seemed to express androgyny and that inspires me, I'm distracting myself, I'm working out at the gym, I'm trying to be "manly" - is that how you be a "man"? - I'm looking at cute blouses on pinterest, I'm slightly inspired by Cillian Murphy's ability to have no beard, to have less hair than the usual suspects, to act slightly feminine but slightly not, but still look like a fucking gorgeous individual...
But I wish I was Anne Hathaway.
Another year passes by, and I look back at these past three years and realize that I have been constantly daydreaming of waking up as a woman, being able to just do things as a woman, not to act in a stereotypical fashion but long-story short, I just wish I was the personality I am except in the body of a woman, wearing cute-ass joggers and heels, and an xl pink hoodie with dangle earrings and bangles and french tip nails and living my fucking life as the philosophical, dreamy woman I could be.
Then I look online and fucking feel ashamed as I see that bullshit, "autogynephillic", theory, which based on seeing the red underline when typing that out, it isn't an actual fucking word.
It's bullshit, that's not how I feel. I do not feel like I am some dude who wants to be a woman for the sake of sexuality, I just want to be a woman because it seems like something deep inside of me needs to transform into that for the sake of my happiness, fulfillment, "spiritual" development. I don't fucking know!
And if someone transitions based on that stupid fucking theory, why the fuck should anyone care!? It's their fucking life and ya'll are the creepy ones trying to mold someone into something they aren't and trying to get involved in their personal life, you sick fucks!!!
But then I feel fucking ashamed, what if I am just some "freak"?
And then another side comes out, "You'll be called a, 'freak of nature', yet you come from nature, so are you truly 'unnatural'? And if you were to be considered 'unnatural', then where in the universe did you come from?"
Laotzu and Taoism tells me to just allow nature to run its course, to follow the flow of the universe, yet Western ideas of "nature" state that it is rigid, and state that the universe has no flow.
Indeed, there are laws to nature but nature is constantly changing, constantly shifting, constantly regenerating and metamorphosing.
Is it not natural for me to undergo metamorphosis?
Today I woke up with what appeared to be no body dysphoria, at least until I decided to "test" myself and look at Fashion Nova clothes - yeah, I know, I know.
Went to the men's section... nah. Went to the women's section... oh my god, that outfit is so fucking cute. I would play Animal Crossing or Zelda all day in that while drinking some Absinthe and listening to Doja Cat.
Jesus, then it all came tumbling down again. I'm crying, I'm panicking, I'm fucking afraid of how my Mom would react. She didn't react well to me suggesting I might be "non-binary", or something.
Glad my sister gave me support but how am I going to express this to Mom? Do I mess around with androgyny first?
I might as well...
Yet I still feel somehow disgusted with myself. I have transphobia while having body dysphoria and Christ almighty is it a fucking psychological bind.
Can anyone out there give some tips? It's hard to get to know myself when I seem to fucking hate my natural self.
Submitted July 20, 2019 at 05:33AM by idontknowhoibe https://ift.tt/2YZPgoN
No comments:
Post a Comment