It's like Dysphoria all over again

Deja vu

Trans guy, been on T for 5 years, post top 9 months, I look like a bear fucked a gorilla which gave birth to a fat lumberjack. I'm one of those lucky assholes who passed even before T. I've tended a constant beard for 4 years.

The thing is, emotionally, I'm femme as all fuck. I'm proud of that fact. I'd much rather be loving and gentle, and enthusiastically share my joie du vivre and appreciation for all things cute, shiny, colorful, and flowery than be a stoic slab of rock. When I transitioned, I promised myself I would stay true to who I am and what I love, even at the cost of blending in or socially "turning in my man card."

Before my egg cracked, I was VERY VERY feminine in presentation. Nail polish and make up, skirts and dresses, pastels and florals. And honestly? I had a blast with it. I loved the textures and colors and patterns. I loved adorning and elevating the meat mecha I pilot with art.

But dysphoria, man. Fucking dysphoria.

I go through frequent phases of missing it all. My old jewelry and clothes. Normally I just turn my affinities on all my cis and especially trans girl friends. But I feel like I'm missing out.

I idolize enbies. I have all my life. All enbies, but especially male(/leaning) feminine presenting people. I've had a massive crush on Jonathan Van Ness since I first saw him, and when he came out as non-binary, I shed a tear of joy.

I want that. I want that freedom of expression. I want to wear whatever I think is gorgeous. I want to look GREAT with a beard and a long billowy skirt and a flat chest and color shift polish and eyeliner! And dangle earrings!!!

But I CAN'T. Because FUCKING DYSPHORIA.

It's seriously been driving me fucking nuts. I know everything keeping me from living my dreams is imaginary and cultural and fake and stupid and propogated socially through misogyny! I KNOW these things!! I know and believe in freedom of personal expression and that THINGS do not have GENDER! Deep to my core and in the messages I spread out to the world with ferocious pride, I know these things!!

But I paint my nails with my old favorite polish, and I'm CRUSHED by the sensation of WRONG.

I'm just so sick of it my good dudes.

Anyone else going through something like this?

Submitted June 25, 2019 at 09:25AM by DratThePopulation http://bit.ly/2KCMS3O