I just have too much on my mind...For some background, I am in my mid 20's and a black trans girl who is tired of being ridiculed by my semi-religious family for the way I choose to present myself. I hate how my mother always says that she still "loves" me even though I wear women's clothes, paint my nails, wear makeup, and self-identify as a lesbian and she can't accept that from her "son." While my hyper-masculine father, who also holds homophobic and transphobic views accepts that I wear women's stuff but still sees me as just a boy dressing up as a girl. I've come to the point where I despise all men. I 'm repulsed by masculinity, and being sexually abused by a boy repeatedly when I was in grade school does not make it any better. I hate that strangers can accept me and even compliment me for my clothes or makeup while my so-called parents act like straight assholes. I can't even begin to think about what my parents would say if they knew I have been on hormones for five months now.
Recently, I had gotten fed up with their complaints and ended up shaving my head, which has made me extremely dysphoric. This also started me self-harming again, which I have a history of and my parents know about as they have seen the numerous scars and cuts I have all over my legs. I have been admitted to a hospital in the past for my cutting and have done therapy as well, which has only left me in more debt and even more depressed. My social anxiety has been through the roof as I have recently graduated from college and have been doing interviews every couple of days, which is starting to drive me insane. As I have to answer the same questions over and over that are already on my resume. Whenever the interviewer asks me if I ever have had any mental health issues, I always lie and say no with a smile. I am getting tired of making up lies to get a bullshit slave job that pays pennies.
I'm at the point now where I can honestly say I enjoy cutting myself and it's better than drugs or sex to me. Things like poetry, gaming, art, and playing guitar used to be outlets for me. Now, I just sit in my room, cut up my legs, drink, and read Shoujo-Ai manga. I feel like these are the only moments throughout the day when I feel what you would call "normal." These things make me feel like I am literally somewhere else, somewhere outer space, where I can genuinely be myself. I have tried to commit suicide in the past by hanging myself and ended up blacking out. It felt good to know I would no longer have to face my parents or people who see me as the weird black boy that likes to wear makeup. There are many days where I think I could just go back to being a "regular" boy, but then I look around my room and see all the money I have spent on makeup, HRT, and women's clothes that I feel I've come too far too turn back because of close-minded people that can't accept me.
I still want to commit suicide, and I want to do it before 30 as I hope I will have FFS surgery and my breast done by then. I don't understand it. I just want to be the complete woman that I regularly see in my head. The Venus in my head is confident in herself and owns her shit, precisely what I am not. I picture myself with a big puffy blonde afro and dressed head to toe in Viviene Westwood. I want to see myself like a runway model even if I'm only getting groceries from Walmart or taking out the trash and not be ridiculed or seen as a gay boy dressing up, but seen as a woman. I want the image in my head to match my physical appearance. Then, I can see myself finally finding love with a woman or a feminine presenting person that accepts me with ALL of my baggage and loves me for who I am. I think that little bit of wild hope I still have for a future is the only thing that is keeping from cutting my wrist, bashing my face in, and hanging myself.
Submitted June 07, 2019 at 04:35AM by YoungVenus088 http://bit.ly/2KyxN2f
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