I don't know if this is the right subreddit, but I feel it is. Regardless I need help. Even typing that sentence is rough.
My parents divorced when I was very young (late elementary), and my mom has grown increasingly controlling since. My worth has been judged by my results in school ever since I started getting grades. I could barely go out when I was in high school, always had to be home by some rediculously early hour, never had even close to a girlfriend until I was 17 years old.
When I was 12, I went to mid school at some prestigious school, studying some prestigious course, mostly at her request. I was an outcast, got bullied, the works. I wanted to stay there though, because I wanted to get a nice diploma (there's was a course there in a higher grade that gave essentially only math and sciences, with a minimum of languages and arts). This is where my psychological problems began. I had depression induced insomnia, didn't talk to my friends, mused about suicide essentially all day every day, and threw myself at everything that took the pain away. There was one particular night I was so frightened of my bedroom, I couldn't scream. My dad was sleeping in the room next to me, and the walls were paper thin, so anything with any volume he could have heard. I just couldn't. I couldn't move, couldn't breathe, could think of very little else than fear.
I had outbursts of various emotions. Fury, Crying, Laughing like a madman. I can't remember ever hearing words of support from my mom. I do remember asking my mom if she liked to see me cry. If that was the reason she seemingly didn't care. Never got a response.
After manipulating me all summer she got me to change to art school. That basically closed the books on any potential university study that interested me.
Flash forward a couple of years, I got a girlfriend. I now know she lied to me about a lot, and that relationship became extremely abusive from both sides later, but I loved that girl with everything I had until the last time I saw her. I still struggle with that breakup, almost a year later. I talked to her often, sent her messages often, etc. My mom thought this couldn't stand, so she started talking me into not speaking to her as much, often going as far as literally taking away my means of communication to her. I still to some degree blame that for the alienation that followed later, and I completely blame my mom for raising me into the abusive prick I was a year ago, which caused that breakup.
During the last year of that relationship, I was in college. A VERY prestigious college, best in the field according to some. but it's taxing (I have another thread on my account that's essentially me breaking down under the pressure). I frequently pulled 20 hour days, for 9 months, with basically no breaks. This caused distress on my part, but instead of understanding that, my mom proceeded to make my life even harder. Frequently tearing me away from my work, forcing me to work less, screaming about how I was abusing her (by what? working my ass off so she doesn't have to pay for another year of tuition?), and how I should spend more time away from work, with them. I was a very emotional person, so when she started yelling, I yelled back. Loud. And I couldn't work for hours because I was shaking after.
In that same period I started going to therapy. To my mom, because I couldn't handle the pressure. In reality, I could feel myself adopting her controlling habits towards my then girlfriend, and friends. My therapist essentially agreed with everything I said, and told me she'd call in my mom as well. After that, therapy suddenly became to expensive, and nothing changed.
This summer (2018), I spent essentially working on my portfolio, every single day, unless when I was travelling (with my family and some of my moms friends). It started out well, but after some things happened (I don't want to bring my sister into this, I love her with all my heart, and I truly want what's best for her. Mentioning her here might lead to problems later), the friends of my mother went from "You do sound very harsh when talking to your mom" to "I don't understand how you can remain so calm. I perfectly understand everything." This was an important moment, since it proved me that it wasn't just all in my head. There was something going on here that wasn't right.
When I came home from vacation, I started working on a course (I was teaching programming to new students(this basically identifies me to my entire school)), so I had an excuse to just be away for a while. While teaching, I met my current girlfriend.
And my god, I didn't know what love meant before that. She is the most caring, sensitive, polity, beautiful girl... I still don't understand why she fell for me. She says it's my personality, and this is actually a pretty important point. I'm both highly logical and analytical, but I also feel. Deeply. I'm no longer scared of my feelings, and have since learned to control most of them. The hours of shaking after strong emotional triggers are still there. Even if I can calmy exlain myself, and try my best to make her listen, she still just screetches at me, not giving a damn what my arguments are.
My psychological problems became worse. I sometimes feel like an animal trapped in a human body (not in a furry way). I wake up growling in the middle of the night, biting myself until there's blood, scratching myself, laughing like a madman. I have a huge scar on my chest from one night where I lost my shit and just raked my skin open(I'm a classical guitar player, my nails are sharp, long, and incredibly durable. I've been kicked out of sports teams for raking open people on accident)
My girlfriend had some similar family-problems, but she moved in with her nice parent, so she's in a better place now. There's some political friction, but we figure things out. The only real "problem" is that she doesn't have a bedroom, for now. She sleeps on the couch in the living room. To help, she stays at my place about half the time.
And she can't stand my mom. The manipulation, lying, tricking, controlling, it's more than she's used to. More confirmation for me.
And my mom keeps holding her over my head. If I don't listen, my mom will make it so I virtually never see her again. So I'm trapped in doing whatever she wants. The frustration is keeping me from working at full efficiency, and if that's not enough, she basically stops me from working whenever she decides I should stop working. And it's gonna make me fail my studies. Solely that will probably make me fail if I don't change this NOW. But my hands are tied. My dad is badly ill and can't take care of me, my grandparents from my dads side are both deceased. I'm financially dependent on my mother, Have virtually no income. Social Works would take longer than my studies to make work. The only option I have, is to move in with my girlfriend. But I love her and her family way too much to ask that of either her, or her parents. Her dad (the person she moved out of), has essentially called me a controlling, forceful, psychopath, so he won't appreciate me living with my girlfriends mom (they live on the same grounds), and I don't have the money or time to pay/ get a job.
I've seen this type of situation go wrong too. My ex's ex moved in with her, they broke up, and he became abusive.
TL;DR: history of mental Illness, mom doesn't care, and stops me from persuing a future for me and my girlfriend by stopping me from studying.
I need help, a guidance, someone to tell me It'll be alright. I'll take anything at this point.
Submitted April 20, 2019 at 12:20PM by Disfraz_ http://bit.ly/2GwJSCu
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