Hello everyone,
I have no idea if I'm in the right place but, I just really needed to reach out somewhere supportive. Years ago, back in college, I used to be somewhat artistic. My room was covered in my drawings, paintings and other past pieces I was really proud of in high school. I had folders of stories and poems that I would write in sometimes minutes,almost like a light bulb in my head.
Going to college was the absolute worst decision of my life (financially and mentally) and I refuse to ever go back. I stopped drawing, writing, communicating and eating and a certain point. Every ounce of ambition, drive and motivation I had to practice my art was drained out of me and I hadn't picked up a sketchbook in years. That is, until today.
My mom and I are trying to start a family business (a roller skating rink, in case anybody is curious) , and she wanted me to design our possible logo/sign. So, being as excited as I am to be able to help my mom shoot for both of our dreams, I dug out my old sketchbook and pencil set, set up my workspace and started sketching. I noticed I had a hard time focusing and every time I made a mistake and went to erase, I found myself getting distracted by stupid things. A bird sitting outside my window, a hangnail on my thumb which led to me clipping my nails. I even spaced out a few times for what felt like thirty minutes. Three failed sketches later, a wave of sadness overwhelms me. I closed my sketchbook, put everything away and before I knew it, I was in tears. I wasn't in hysterics, but I was CRYING because I couldn't get a stupid sketch for a potential logo right. It hit me. It was the exact feeling I felt back in school, the feeling of failure, disappointment, and frustration all came back to me. My depression made my body so heavy, I couldn't get out of bed. I stopped every hobby I had. Everything I used to love to do died. I no longer wanted to create anymore. I had no ambition, my "talent" was gone. I found myself trying to pick-up crocheting again and I managed to actually finish a simple lanyard, but even when I finished a project, I was in tears AGAIN. This time, hysterics.
I'm not sure if this is technically PTSD or not, but I'm completely lost and have no idea what to do, or even how to tackle this head on. I miss having my motivation and the joy I felt from starting a piece to finishing a piece. I miss how annoyed I would get when I didn't finish a piece, and the satisfaction of it coming out better than expected. I have been doing great, up to this point. I've had depression for damn near all my life and haven't been troubled like this before. I was incredibly depressed in high school and I was still able to draw and even do pottery. I'm a firm believer in exposure therapy and facing my demons head on, but for some reason, I feel like it won't be the correct solution this time around. I don't know what to do. I've lost so many of my hobbies, thanks to my stupid decision to go to college to please my parents instead of putting myself first. I miss my art. I have an entire storage tote with my old art supplies that collect dust and tease me daily, but I can't seem to find any ounce of energy to pick up the pencil again without ending up in tears.
Submitted April 22, 2019 at 02:26AM by seductivemind http://bit.ly/2ULEnst
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