“Then she smiled. Oh, storms. She smiled anyway.”

He saw it in her eyes. The anguish, the frustration. The terrible nothing that clawed inside and sought to smother her. She knew. It was there, inside. She had been broken.

Then she smiled. Oh, storms. She smiled anyway.

It was the single most beautiful thing he’d seen in his entire life.

—

I have always been the girl with the bright blue eyes, the genuine smile and the dark secrets. Depression. Self-loathing and self-harm. Near-constant suicidal thoughts, and a couple of failed attempts. Now we can add sexual assault to the list. It feels surreal to type that out. I feel that every time I begin to find my footing, I manage to stumble and fall into a new pit.

I am not okay, not really. I am lost, alone, confused. Over the past week I have fought incredible urges to self-harm, despite being clean for three months now and finally thinking “maybe this time I’m really done with that.” But being physically used and abused does funny things to you and your perception of yourself. The loss of control is terrifying and devastating. The guilt, the shame and the confusion are absolutely staggering. Right now, I am questioning everything. I am questioning who I am. I am looking in my heart for compassion to show to myself, and struggling to find it. I am angry, even moreso at myself than at him.

But I am finding reasons to smile. Last night I painted my nails and watched my favorite youtube channel, and as I felt and heard myself laughing, really laughing, I felt a little bit like myself again. Today I went out to lunch with a friend who knows what happened last weekend, though she doesn’t know the graphic details. Earlier tonight, I played board games with a local group that meets up once a week. I am starting martial arts classes soon, and (I hope) I won’t always be this quiet, scared and submissive girl who feels guilty when standing up for herself.

There is beauty in the world. It is everywhere I look, and it will not be tarnished by this.

I have been through hell. Somehow, despite it all, I am still smiling.

Submitted March 10, 2019 at 06:52AM by phoenix-ignition https://ift.tt/2STTkmv