Hi there. Just found this sub and thought I would share my story of how I for the most part beat my rage, and became a better person.
From as far back as I remember I had this "beast" inside me. My father was abusive and angry as well, so I guess I learned this behavior from his as a small child.
When I was in primary school and highschool, I constantly was bullied. I had no way of dealing with the pain and embarrassment and self hate this generated, so i bottled it up. Until some unfortunate classmate of mine or friend or teacher said the wrong thing at the wrong time and I would lash out.
I remember being in 7th grade. My bottle was full of self loathing and hatred for the people who bullied me. My teacher in class noticed that I was having trouble and asked me what was wrong. when I wouldn't answer her, she grabbed my shoulder. That physical contact was the trigger that set off the explosion. I threw my texbook at her head, tripped her and pushed over my desk on her. I then proceeded to basically tear the entire classroom apart for about 15 minutes, overturning desks and throwing punches kicks and items at people until the teacher finally found a way to restrain me.
This is just one example of many. In this state it was like my conciouness was removed from my body and I was watching myself from behind this wall of rage and hatred. in this state i had no control, and no morals. I didnt care about the people in my way, just that I wanted to inflict as much harm as I possibly could on them until my rage was spent.
I was constantly suspended, sent to the principals office and was constantly refered to many different psychiatrists and therapists. None helped me.
As I hit puberty and grew, the incidents became more serious. I remember a bully who triggered me in 10th grade so I tackled him to the ground in rage. I scratched and clawed at his face until my finger nails were bloody. I pulled his lip ring through his lip, and kicked him repeatedly in the balls. he was in the hospital for 3 days.
I remember another time a few people were lying in the grass while i was walking by, seething from an earlier bullying incident. I could hear them laughing and talking about me. One said "what a fag". I snapped, ran over to him and kicked him in the side of the head like a soccer ball. he was knocked out cold and had a pretty severe concussion after that.
Obviously, this perpetuated a vicious cycle. People would bully me for my obvious awkward nature, and then I would bottle up my emotions until I snapped. which then lead to people bullying me for being insane. Rinse and repeat. at one point in highschool i was haivng about one outburst a month. The school was discussing my future with my parents almost constantly. It was only thanks to my phycologist and a few teachers who understood my predicament that I was allowed to continue, along with the fact that I was an A student.
My road to redemption started sometime around grade 9, when I discovered that there was a grand piano at my highschool that was open for anyone to play at any time. I had never touched a musical instrument in my life at that point.
As I had no friends, and was always a good student and finished my work as soon as I got it, I had a lot of free time. So I started to spend hours at the Piano. At first it was absolute garbage music. I didn't even know what i was doing. But over 4 years I got better and better. I started playing 8 hours a day. I fed my soul and my hatred and my loathing into the piano. I composed original songs and over 4 years, somehow the music I played gave me the release I had been craving for my entire life. I finally found a way to empty my bottle without it being a disaster. I found a creative release and eventually began to heal my soul.
It was still a rough road. I still lashed out. I continued to have outbursts until i was in 2nd year university, at 21, but they came less frequently and less intensely. I found a friend in university who took me as I was and helped me through unpacking the abuse my father had gave me as a child.
I still had work to do though. I knew it. So i booked a ticket to New Zealand, got a work visa and took off into the world, leaving my shitty acting degree in the dust.
In New Zealand as a 22 year old, I found my freedom and myself. I know its cheesy, but when no one knows your past, your history of self destruction and just takes you as you are, life suddenly becomes a lot easier. while in NZ I became the person I always wanted to be. I found love, real love for the first time, and I smiled more than I ever had in my entire life. In my 1 year there I didnt punch a single wall, or a person for that matter. I finally had found my peace.
Coming home was rough. the people you have at home don't know this new person, and all the prejudice from before your travels is still there. they don't see the changes. And so I found myself fighting my rage again.
but this time I won. Though I could not get rid of it completely, through music, and a lot of yoga, i found my way forwards.
My rage is something i still live with today. Its still this little ball of heat in behind my stomach. I still get hot under the collar, but I haven't had an "episode" in 6 years. Id like to say Im free of it but I have had some very close calls where i had to excuse myself to go and find a piano. I know now that I am on the other side now and I can see the way forwards. I am in control now.
I also know I am lucky. I was on a path of self destruction that could have ended up with me in jail or worse. I am so thankful for music. It literally saved my life and changed me into a functioning person.
To all of you out there who are struggling to deal with your rage, know that if you find an outlet- whether this be sports, art, music or whatever floats your boat it can help ALOT. You can find your way forwards. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Travel, remove yourself from toxic environments and you will find a way forwards.
to quote a great man, Red Green:
Keep your stick on the ice. :)
TL;DR: Was a pretty crazy child/teenager. Regularly exploded and beat the living shit out of people bullying me. Found music, Travel, and over many years let music heal my soul and give me an outlet for my rage. Travelling gave me the way to find out who I was without the rage and prejudice associated with it. Today I am free of outbursts.
Submitted March 07, 2019 at 08:27PM by Tayaker https://ift.tt/2TyBOJ2
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