So I'm non binary transmasculine, non binary in that I consider myself to be something of an effeminate transman. This is a bit of a stream of consciousness about my recent thoughts and serious consideration of top surgery. If there are non binary or transmen out there who have undergone top surgery and have any insight as to what it feels like after surgery, recovery from surgery, thoughts on getting surgery, etc please feel free to share.
I feel silly labeling it but I guess it's important to have a sense of what I am. After around 7/8 years of (official?) questioning that feels like the right label. Anyway I've gone through various realizations throughout my questioning process from seeing Ruby Rose's video Break Free on YouTube 4 years ago and really relating to it. For a while I thought maybe I was genderqueer to where my gender changes frequently because I enjoy feminine things and expression such as effeminate clothing, nail art, wearing makeup, etc, but I also want to be viewed by society as being more male or masculine. Later I realized that this male side of me seemed to be a more persistent and permanent feeling that seemed to be an undercurrent that would come and go in waves coupled with me minimalizing my gender dysphoria and focusing only on aspects of myself that I enjoyed that I considered more masculine while ignoring the parts of me that made me uncomfortable. I've considered breast (this word makes me uncomfortable not sure what else to refer to it as for now though) reduction to an A cup if possible but from what research I've done online from around a B cup to A cup breast reductions are not often done or recommended. Lately though I've been facing the dysphoria I feel around my chest and feeling more like it's not something I want. Like I'd rather have a flat masculine shaped chest. I realized that this would change how I could wear clothes, male shirts would fall nicely on me, but it would make women's clothes more challenging. Specifically I thought about bathing suits and first thought about women's bathing suits with a flat chest, how could I wear a bathing suit? then it hit me that I wouldn't have to wear a top, that I could just wear bottoms, swim trunks. That realization was seemingly so obvious but it hit me like a wave. I thought for a moment about how nice it would be to swim with no top, I really love swimming and I felt a kind of euphoric moment with this thought. It's strange for me navigating all of this because gender to me is non binary. I'm not female, but neither do I fit into the male gender role or norms, in fact my desire to express myself as an effeminate male sometimes makes me worry about social ramifications. But anyway I think top surgery may be what I want in the future.
Submitted March 02, 2019 at 08:31AM by someinspiringquote https://ift.tt/2EnVs0v
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