I have a local trans guy friend who just made a very heartfelt and insightful vlog post about hating transitioning from "prey to predator," discussing the idea that he is becoming what he was taught to fear when they thought he was a girl. Not that he's becoming a scary violent guy, but that some women may see him, a young black guy, as someone to be feared - even as he still fears some cis men on sight. He recalled being taught to walk to the car with keys between the fingers, taking martial arts defense classes, etc. He said he understands where the fear comes from, he was taught thoroughly and well that some men will decide that the female body he inhabited was ripe for the taking, whether he agreed or not. And he mourned his new, "scary" status even as he loves being a guy.
But there's more than one way to be a trans guy, how to feel as a trans guy, and I'm having a very different experience.
It hit me between the eyes. Because I really "got" how he felt, but not because I shared his feelings. Nope. I suddenly realized it was because, like him, I was raised to be scared, to be the prey, and taught how to stay safe and how to escape *but I never internalized it.* I never identified as the prey, as the victim. I kept waiting for someone to make the mistake of trying to prey on me, being the wolf in sheep's clothing, but as friend of sheep, waiting for another wolf to show up and make that fatal mistake. But I never realized WHY I felt that way.
It is yet another nail in the coffin for ever my ever having been a "girl" or "woman" in any traditional sense. I may have learned to love the trappings of womanhood (I still think guys got the serious short end of the stick when it comes to fashion) but damn.
Submitted February 03, 2019 at 11:39PM by CailanJade http://bit.ly/2MLERrv
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