Hello,
I just need to get this off of my chest, hoping to feel some catharsis from just letting it out.
To put this all into a proper context, let me start at the beginning. My girlfriend and I had been together for 6 years, 5 months, and 14 days. Shes been working on her bachelors degree in mathematics for 6 years, and I met her when I was going back to school to major in physics. I went onto do graduate work so I could ultimately get a better job and also to continue to be with her. For the past 3 years, we've both been at a top tier university with a demanding academic schedule.
Every semester since we both have been at this university, at the end of the semester, we've had a difficult time spending quite as much time with each other because we are just working so hard to get everything finished. But typically, the semester would end and then we'd take a week before we went home for Christmas and just relax and spend time with each other. We'd get back from Christmas and we'd spend more time with each other before the semester started. Usually we would find each other, get closer again, and reignite that flame and everything would be good between us again.
Last semester however, something different happened. First, I should mention that her second semester at this university, she got a D in one of her classes (it is universally agreed by everyone who has taken it to be the hardest class that this university has to offer at the undergraduate level), and has been doing her absolute best to get a grade good enough to offset that D, but working for all she was worth she was just making C's. Shes been on academic probation since that semester. Every semester she'd get straight C's in her major courses and her GPA would continue to rise, but wouldn't break above the threshold.
Last semester, we both took difficult classes because we were getting close to the end of our respective curriculua and the choices were limited. About halfway through the semester, I found out that my Aunt was beginning to lose her fight against an aggressive ovarian cancer. I was trying to get all of my classwork done while going back and forth to the hospital to spend some time with my Aunt. I was spending as much time as I could with her, but there just weren't enough hours in the day. We tried studying together, but the style of studying that best works for me requires that I stand at a whiteboard and move around a lot while I ponder, and then periodically sit at a computer to program a function I've worked out to get an answer. Her style is much more subdued, sitting at a table and reading. I can't sit still for long, and be effective, and I can't be in the room wandering about or she loses effectiveness. So we tended to study in separate locations. Because I frequently needed to ponder my next step, I would usually go get food for her so she could keep studying without needing to stop. My roommate, a computer programmer, tends to sit still for long periods of time, and recently he got his first job so he has been studying coding techniques and has lots of free time, which he would spend with her to keep her company. At the time I didn't mind because she and I had been together for 6 years and I trusted her completely.
Around the middle of the semester, she told me that she had a sexual dream about my roommate. I really wasn't upset. I can't say blame her for something she dreamed about, and there is nothing wrong with having a dream about someone who isn't your partner. It happens to all of us. Though I did endeavor to try and take her out on more dates if I could. I figured, if I could spend a lot of time with her, then I could make what time we spent together quality time.
My aunt's condition continued to decline, and I was spending a lot of time just traveling back and forth. My classwork was getting harder, and my graduate research project required a lot of attention to finish as a deadline approached. I was doing my best to keep all the plates spinning but I was just barely keeping up with everything. Around Thanksgiving she revealed to me that she was attracted to my roommate. Their friendship was developing and they were getting closer. Proximity breeds all sorts of closeness. Honestly, again, I wasn't upset. My roommate was homeschooled and is one of the most socially awkward people I know. He was coming out of his shell and I genuinely thought that it was really a good thing for him. I didn't want to ask her to stop being friends with him because that would possibly stunt his social development, and she also needed someone to be there when I couldn't be. I was perhaps a little jealous that he could spend more time with her, but I wasn't upset by their friendship.
Then the finals came. I found out litterally minutes before I was handed my take home final that my aunt had passed away. I had to take in the information, store it away, get my test done and grieve when it was all over. That test was due after 4 days, and of those 96 hours, I spent 70 working to get it done. It was the hardest test I have ever taken. Then when it was turned in, I immediately had to go to the funeral, driving 90 minutes after pulling 2 consecutive all nighters. My girlfriend had 4 finals and managed to get high enough grades to get off of academic probation. She was ecstatic that she was finally certain that she was going to graduate.
I spent Christmas with my family and we grieved together. On December 26th, my father came down with the flu. On December 27th, so did my mom. I unfortunately had to leave them to go back home and begin to work on my relationship with my girlfriend. We had a few days together. On January 1st, we talked about the the issues we had in our relationship and we endeavored to spend more time together to work on getting closer together again. Litterally the next morning, my little sister called me and told me my dad had been admitted to the hospital. I dropped everything and drove 100 miles per hour to get there to be with him. A trip that normally takes just over 5 hours I did in 3.
When I arrived at the hospital, I saw my father being intubated. He was admitted for pneumonia in both lungs. My mother woke up 2 hours early by freak accident and found my father had a pale waxy complexion. She called the ambulance and they admitted him with very low blood oxygen saturation levels, incredibly low blood pressure, and kidney failure (the kidneys require a minimum amount of blood pressure to continue to diffuse blood through them, otherwise they experience cell death). I found out later that his doctors would not have given him a 1 in 1000 chance of making it through. Miraculously, my dad hung on. His doctors were amazing. They put him on dialysis to give his kidneys a chance to recover and regenerate, they put him on a ventillator to make sure they could keep his oxygen levels up, they treated the pneumonia. We had a couple of scary times where his numbers would tank. He got two more superimposed cases of pneumonia during this and the doctors were treating viral, bacterial, and fungal pneumonia at the same time. But he kept fighting and after two weeks of nail biting, he was well on the road to recovery. Enough so that my sister (a medical student) was confident that we could attend our first week of classes without worrying about losing him in the interim.
I came back home, excited to tell my girlfriend all of the good news and tell her everything that had happened. The first day or two it was great, we talked and spent all our time together. But then the semester started, and she went into the routine that she had developed last semester. A routine that did not include me. She would go to class. Go to work. Come home around the same time that my roommate would be arriving home, where they would have coffee and talk about their days. Then they'd settle in to study for a few hours and would finish out the day relaxing by looking at memes on Imgur. When I got back, I wanted to spend all of my time with her, take her out on dates, go for walks, go work out together, do all the things that usually bring us back together. But she was adamant that she didn't want to change the routine that seemed to work for her last semester. She didn't have the energy to both study and go out to do things like work out or socialize, and she needed to study. So I settled into trying to be apart of that routine. I had coffee with them. I read my research papers with thim while they studied, I watched the TV shows they watched. But the whole time I felt like the third wheel. I constantly felt like they were getting closer as she and I drifted apart despite spending all of my time with her.
I also noticed that they were very physical. Normally, I am not a jealous person. I didn't care if she spent time with other guys because ultimately I trusted her. I didn't care at all if she gave another guy a hug, flirted playfully with a guy, tickled her friends out of jest, any of that because I do similar things with my best friends. (I should point out that I will flirt with both guys and girls, I flirt with everyone indiscriminately because platonic flirting makes people feel good about themselves. We tended to both prefer the same physical qualities in people, and we would often point out attractive people to each other and would both admire them together. We are both strictly heterosexual, but we could still see the appeal of fine specimens of our own genders too. It was a playful thing we enjoyed doing with each other.) This time however was different. I didn't care if she flirted with other guys in general, but I did care about flirting with one guy in particular repeatedly, especially knowing full well that it wasn't simply platonic.
Another thing I noticed was that they texted all the time. One thing I do when I am with someone is put my phone away so that I am completely present with them while I am with them. I actually got a smart watch so that if a new message comes in I can check it and see quickly whether it is important or not and then if not immediately be right back in the moment. My father was in the hospital so I would check to make sure I didn't miss an important update. I usually offer the same courtesy to others, check it if you feel like something might be important, but be in the moment with me, don't be constantly checking the phone. Whenever we were together, they would be texting each other constantly which really upset me. Eventually it was bad enough that I told her that it upset me and I felt like she resented me for mentioning it.
Normally, if I see something that irks me, I will keep it to myself because 10 minutes later I will have forgotten about it and it probably wasn't worth getting us both worked up over something minor. But the flirtation was nearly constant between them and I simply could not ignore it. Eventually I would get jealous just seeing her closer to him than me, or every time they touched. Touch is very intimate for me, it communicates volumes in ways words sometimes can't. Eventually, I had had enough and mentioned to them that their physicality was making me really uncomfortable. This seemed to upset them both.
Up until this point, I was trying everything I could think of to reignite that spark between us. I suggested we go out to work out on weekends, which we did a few times. I tried to take her out for sushi, or Chinese, or just generally out to nice dinners. On valentines day, we went out to a very nice restaurant and had a very nice experience together. I bought her 2 dozen roses, found the perfect card, composed the perfect message in the bottom. I took us to an arboretum because she loves horticulture, I got her 5 new herbs to add to her garden. It was a lovely day. But every time I felt like we had actually made some progress, the next day I felt like she was pulling away again.
I was beginning to lose hope, but I was praying for strength to keep going. In a last ditch effort, I stumbled across a book called The Love Dare. It's a book for married couples who are struggling with their marriage. It has a daily message and bible verse as well as a weekly challenge. I figured I would give it a shot. The first weeks challenge was to pray to be shown what true love is and to be made into a more loving person. That night I slept well for the first time in weeks, genuinely enthusiastic and hopeful about the future.
The next day was Sunday, and we would go to church. That sermon felt like it was written especially for me. I was moved to tears because I felt like God was saying "Yeah, I heard you, now you're going to get what you prayed for." The whole week after that was filled with little moments. I had friends I hadn't talked to in a long time reach out to me and see how I was doing. I even had a couple of acquaintances notice that I hadn't been smiling for a while and gave me their phone numbers saying that if I needed someone to talk to they would be there. Thursday was my birthday, so we went out to the big city and spent the evening with my sister and her husband, and my brother and his girlfriend. I got to see two beautiful couples who loved each other with all their heart, and I felt so much love and support of me that evening. It was truly a great night.
Then that Friday, I went to see my dad. He had since recovered and was then taking physical therapy to regain his strength after losing 40 pounds from the sickness. Before I got to visit with him, he made me run a few errands for him. He had commissioned a plaque to be made to commemorate the birth of the daughter of a good friend of him and my mom. An incredibly strong woman who manages a popular restaurant and is a single mother. He wanted her to know that even though she was doing this by her self, she wasn't alone and she was loved. I went all over town. I went to the bank to collect some money to pay the guy. The tellers knew my dad and asked how he was doing and told me how they've been praying for him. I went to the guy who made the plaque who told me stories of how my father has helped him over the years. I took the plaque to the woman it was for. It was a busy day in the restaurant and she stopped what she was doing to sit with me and talk about my father for an hour. Wanting to know how he was doing, telling how she loves my parents, how they do things to make her life easier. Before I left, she sent me away with my father's favorite order cree of charge. Then I got to sit down with my dad for a while. I went with him to his physical therapy session and was beaming with pride for how well he was doing in his recovery. After he got back to his room, I shared with him all of the issues my girlfriend and I had been having. He told me stories about how he and my mom fell in love, and a few moments of hardship they've overcome, and some they nearly didn't. At the end, he said just how proud of me he had been for handling everything as well as I had. And just before I left to come home, he stood up under his own power and hugged me, a feeling I feared I would never feel again. It absolutely meant the world to me.
I began my drive home and had my own near death experience. On a stretch between my parents town and mine, I was forced off of the road by a semi truck who came over on top of me. I barely, but successfully, managed to keep the car under control long enough to stop. In that moment I could only think about my girlfriend and knew just how deeply I loved her. In that moment I realized that for the last few weeks, I had been paralized by fear of maybe losing something dear to me that I wasn't appreciating the time I did have with her. My whole perspective had shifted in an instant and I was truly excited to get back home and be with her. Before I left, I bought two pool cues so that we could play pool together (a pastime that we both enjoy) hoping that after she was finished with her last test, she and I could play together. I got an extra heavy one for me cause I prefer the really heavy cues, and I got a green and black one for her (our favorite colors).
When I got home Saturday evening, everything felt better. Before I had left there was a building tension all week and when I returned, I was so happy I was singing any song that came through my head. At the time, I thought it was because I had changed my perspective. The next day however, I got hit in the face with a lot of things.
I got ready for church and was super excited to go with her. We went, had another powerful message about how blessings don't only come in good times, but in bad times too. Then after the service we all stopped at Starbucks for coffee. When we went home, she wanted to go to her apartment to work on finishing the drawing that she had been working on to give me for my birthday, it was a surprise so I wasn't allowed to go see it yet. So I decided to go to work out while she did that. I returned home to an empty apartment, my roommate wasn't there. I didn't think anything of it. So I decided to go down to the study room to study. A couple hours later I get a text from my roommate inviting me to lunch with him and my girlfriend. Apparently she had finished it and had gone with him to the arts and craft store to get it framed. I thought that was a little odd that she didn't tell me they were going to do that together and felt a stirring jealousy that I immediately cut off because I was trying to change my outlook. The lunch was fine then we went home in separate cars (they were already out and I had to drive to get there) so I followed them home (cause we were going to the same place). I parked and went back to the study room because she said that she wanted to study when she got back home. 2 hours later, they arrive in the study room saying that she needed to water her plants (she has like 12 plants, I dont know what she was doing for 2 hours). Then as I am up at the whiteboard, I observe that their legs are intertwined under the table. I couldn't stand that, so I just left. I came back a short walk later and the mood in the room just died when I walked in. They looked like they had been caught with their hands in the cookie jar. I've been with my girlfriend long enough to know what she looks like when she is aroused, and she certainly was. I don't know what was going on, because they were right where I left them, but something was going on.
The next day I had put it all together. The building tension in the apartment was sexual tension. When I got back, it had been released because something had happened while I was away. I immediately texted my girlfriend asking if something happened while I was away. It was on Facebook messenger, so I could see that the message had been delivered, and when it was viewed. I understand being busy, but if I had seen that message I would immediately have said something to assuage any doubts I may have had. I got nothing at all until she came home. She said they just talked. I have been dating her long enough to know when she lies to me, and I've gotten pretty good at spotting her lying to me over the last couple months. I don't know what happened, but I do know that it was a lie of omission when she said "we just talked". We broke up about 10 minutes after that. She said it was because I didn't spend enough time with her. I said it was because I have been trying desperately for as long as I have been able to to spend as much time with her as I could. I've been trying to keep hope alive, giving her as much love as I could and getting absolutely nothing in return for all of that.
I spent the rest of that day at the local pool hall playing pool for the next 9 hours until they closed. I had a dear friend stop in and played with me for 8 of those hours, thank God for that man. We played with the cues I had bought for my girlfriend and I. It came as some amount of relief knowing that they was at least going to get played with.
The next day, I contacted my roommates former roommate and good friend asking him to check up on him for me. My roommate doesn't have a lot of friends and his family is not terribly close, so I was worried about him being taken care of. I went to our pastor and did the same for my girlfriend because while she has her family, she hasn't made many close friends since coming to this university.
My pastor said he was proud of me for how well I have been handling it, but he said that I should feel justified to feel angry. I was betrayed by my girlfriend and best friend both and I am losing both of them in one shot.
The truth is that I don't hate anyone for what happened. He was inexperienced, attracted to a beautiful girl who was flirting with him. I totally get where he's coming from. She was getting attention from someone when her boyfriend wasn't able to physically be there. Our relationship has always been relatively easy, we've never fought, we have always trusted each other, we have always been open with each other. Now for the first time, we had a real struggle, it got very difficult for the first time, and she seemed to take that as the signal that it was the end. I know that if we could have made it through this, we would have been stronger than ever before. I think somewhere along the way, my roommate became a symbol for something new and exciting, and became associated with the big change in her life when she graduated with a new job and new city. I think she also thought of me as consistent and familiar and associated me with being stuck in the same spot semester after semester. Unfortunately, I don't think I could have overcome that. She is also 6 years younger than I am. She is young, and I feel like this decision is that of a young person. Love is not just a feeling, it is a choice. I chose her, and somewhere along the way she chose someone else.
I don't know what will happen from here. Knowing both of them, I think they're very bad for each other. He gets bored easily and jumps ship quickly. He majored in math in undergrad, then in mechanical engineering in grad school. Got his first job as a software developer after looking for more than a year. Now a year later, he wants to change to a new job, in spite of the fact that he is well paid and well liked because he's bored with this and wants a new challenge. She conversely needs constant attention. She was an only child of two antisocial parents whose only friend were her rich aunts and their daughter. They gave her all of their attention through her formative years and constantly told her just how beautiful she was. As an adult she needs to be reminded constantly that she is beautiful and special, (which I did every single day). She wasn't perfect, but she was perfect for me. For each other they're terrible. There is novelty in this new thing that they are finally getting to explore, but I figure when the novelty wears off they will both realize this was a huge mistake. He will realize that she has already cheated on her long term boyfriend and will constantly be looking over his shoulder for the next guy, and she will quickly run out of new things about him and realize that their passionate affair will burn out quickly. I don't say any of this to say that they're bad people, just that they're young and neither have experienced this before. I unfortunately have seen it many times, in friends and unfortunately also in my own love life. I've been in her position, I've been in his, and seen both sides of the decision shes made.
This hurts terribly right now, but I have no regrets. I feel like I did everything I could to make this work. As much as I care about both of them, I am washing my hands of all of this, and whatever happens to them is no longer my problem. I genuinely hope I am wrong about them, I hope that they work well together, but I really dont think they will.
If you made it through all of that, thanks for reading. I feel somewhat better now, and I am going to try and go to sleep.
Submitted February 28, 2019 at 09:23AM by Stringytheories https://ift.tt/2To3dgz
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