I don't know if this is depression, or if it's just the fact that I'm exhausted, sick as fuck, and feeling so fucking alone.
So, I guess we will start from the beginning.
I went through a bout of absolutely terrible depression. Like unable to even get myself dressed in the morning kind of depression. It was a mixture of PPD, sleep deprivation, and the fact that I was suddenly a stay at home mom (a role that my father - the only present and good parent in my life - vehemently hated) it made me feel like a failure because I wasn't bringing in any money.
I got help. I never got to the point that I was a threat to myself or others, and my son was always very well taken care of. I just had no motivation to care for myself. I almost didn't feel like I was worth it.
Anyway, I got that squared away, and for several years, I was doing really well. I was the best mom ever, guys. I was a daycare teacher for years, and incorporated everything I knew about early childhood education into parenting. I would prep new projects every night. We would do a science project, art project, and sensory project every day. We read countless books, we sang songs, I made alphabet and number charts, I made flashcards, I worked with local moms to set up playdates. I set up trips to the zoo and the children's museum. I was rocking at the mom thing. And to top it off, the house was always spotless, and I cooked dinner and packed lunches for my husband every day. I felt like a queen.
Now, my son is 3.5 and I'm seeing all my work really pay off for him. He reads at a 1st grade level, he writes, he knows his numbers, he is fluent in 2 languages, he knows quite a bit of sign language. I'm proud of him, and I love spending time with him, but I'm also lonely.
The moms I used to spend time with don't have time for playdates anymore. One of the women became my best friend, but she moved states away, and we don't really talk anymore. Another woman I was really close with has recently had some stuff happen, and while we talk every day through text, we almost never see one another. Two more put their kids in daycare, and the last one has a new baby and is really struggling. I regularly take her older two for her, but I dont ever see her. I'm perfectly okay with being there for her when she obviously needs me, but I still feel lonely.
I don't have any friends outside or this. I used to. Then I realized I was being used. One of my best friends only had time to answer my texts when she needed a free sitter. (I watched her kid for her for free for two years. 3 days a week, 12 hours a day.) The other...I don't really know what happened to her. She cut all her friends out, and kind of started a new life. I hope she's happy. I miss her so much. We were best friends for 10 years. At first, I thought I had done something wrong, but she cut out all 4 of us in our friend group at the same time, and hasn't spoken to anyone in going on 3 years.
Anyway, I want to get back to myself. I want to get back into the swing of things. I want to get excited when I see a new art project idea. I want to happily sing and dance with my son as I complete chores. I want to feel happy again. But nothing makes me happy. I'm not really sad. I'm just...okay. I have fun in short spurts. But then I go back to being okay. Not sad, but not content either.
None of my old hobbies make me happy. I used to draw, I havent drawn in more than 2 years, and I tried the other day, and it turned out really good...but I didn't really care. I used to love reading, now I pick apart the sentence structure and get more upset about plot holes. I can't enjoy it. I used to love nail art and makeup. And while I get dressed and do my makeup every morning, I'm not excited about it. I don't snap random selfies when I'm feeling pretty. I don't ever really feel pretty anymore.
We got a puppy 2 months ago. I love dogs. They've always been my passion. I love this dog, she's awesome, but I don't enjoy the time I spend with her. I used to love training. Our older dog is super well trained because it was always a passion of mine. Now I do it, but only because I know it's good for her.
I still do everything I used to. Art, science, sensory, walks to the park (not anymore, it's cold as fuck. No more baseball in the backyard, or long walks with the puppy, or planting in the garden, or silly songs on the swings. No more walks on the trails or camping. God, I miss summer.) Reading books, working on letters, we got some new gymnastics equipment for our son, so we play on that throughout the day instead of playing outside.
I do all this, but it seems stale. The only time I'm really happy is when my son and I are engaged in a game or project, and he's obviously having fun.
Of course weekends are awesome. My husband is home, and I feel alive again. We hang out, we play board games, we have snowball fights when it's warm enough to be outside. And at night, after our son goes to bed, my husband and I have alone time, and it's awesome. But this weekend I'm sick in bed, and I feel so guilty. My husband busts his ass at work all week, and now he's stuck doing my job too. (Cleaning) To make matters worse, we don't really get family time through the week, so I'm just wasting our day.
Maybe it's just seasonal depression. I'm not as active as I would like right now. I feel trapped inside. And honestly, I crave human interaction. I kind of lost all my friends at once, and never regained any.
I dunno. I guess I just needed to talk. Thank you for listening.
Submitted January 20, 2019 at 11:58PM by parentaccount1143 http://bit.ly/2U2aXS3
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