Through recent introspection and in retrospect, I’ve realized I think I may have fucked everything up. Here’s why;
Since I was a kid I was feeling like I’m in the shadows even though I had moments of fun and being a child, I don’t ever remember feeling healthy or balanced. There was violence and abuse in the family when I was a kid and then we became a very religious family going into my preteens until I was 19/20. I hid the fact that I was gay from everyone, even trying to tell myself that it was just a phase. I tried to date girls but I was never attracted to them in that way. While I was in middle school I became obsessed with a man that was one of the school’s art teachers. The more and more I happened to see him or his name the more I became interested in him. Then suddenly one day I was obsessed with him. I thought he was very handsome, masculine and cool. He has beautiful eyes that I enjoyed to see too. And it seemed like the students that had him liked him which made him more attractive to me. Now, I didn’t think he was gay at all but I just wanted him to give me attention. I wanted him to notice me and to be around him more, but yet I was sexually attracted to him too(I started watching porn before I was 10 I think and haven’t stopped since even though I’ve had dry periods). But I didn’t want to get him in trouble even if he was gay and attracted to underage boys. I knew about sex in middle school and by now I was masturbating, watching porn and fantasizing about older men. When I said I became obsessed, it started small and became toxic. I would try to be around his classroom sometimes or just walk a little more if he seemed he was going in the same direction as me. After a little bit, I would try to strike conversation with him if we happened to be in close enough physical contact. Then I wanted to know more about him because it seemed like he wasn’t paying me much attention at all really but I would hear and see him with other students which I concluded “he liked them more than me.” After some searching, I found his phone number and started calling him. I remember now that when I did get his number I contemplated if I should call him or not because I was excited and just wanted to hear his voice. So I knew that this wasn’t very healthy I think subconsciously. I called him and hearing his voice felt good but I didn’t want him to know it was me calling because he didn’t get my number! So I would just hang up. Unfortunately I didn’t stop after the first time and he actually traced the caller ID somehow and called back to my surprise. I’m not sure who answered the phone when he called but he told my parents and they sat me down. I don’t remember what was said, how we got pass that, or much at all after that really. But then when I finally saw his hands, I was turned off because his nails were very stubby. So I just went on with school after.
Then after that there was high school. I developed another obsession in high school with another teacher that happened to be one of my teachers this time unlike the middle school crush. This guy was handsome and cool to me but he was also pretty comical too. His sense of humor to me was nice. It started small and became big again. I was able to function around him and do work at first. This guy would have the class feeling fun and I really enjoyed that about him. He would give nickname to his favorites (even though he wouldn’t admit that he had favorites I observed that he did). One day he gave e a nickname and I felt like the shit! I knew he wasn’t gay either as even if he was, “why would he be attracted to underage boys or me?” But I felt like I just couldn’t help myself. It started again. I actually freaking developed a crush on this guy. So I tried to be around him more by doing more work and even joining he tennis team that he coached. I would look him up on whatever I could think of at the time after finding out his first name. And then, it hit hard. I actually did ANOTHER thing. Being so distraught about the fact that we could never be together at all and that i wasn’t one of his top favorites, one day I started crying in the classroom discreetly. But he noticed how down I was and tried to see what was going on. I lied about what it was, but now him and the whole class is wondering what’s up. This went on for more than one class I remember. I got over him somehow eventually and that whole thing didn’t bring us closer.
Then I did actually start trying to date gay men after graduating high school without coming out still. I ended up losing my virginity to some guy I met online. Then I ended up in a toxic relationship with an older man afterwards even though I pursued him in the beginning.
The first time I actually was in a relationship with a man it ended up toxic as fuck. This guy(let’s call him M) didn’t even try to pursue a relationship with me at first but I did with him even though he wasn’t even really “my type.” At this point I am only 18/19 I believe and this would be the second man that I consented to being sexual with. But once we started dating, I think about a month in, it went to shit. We brought out the worst in each other without even trying. He was a paranoid guy when it came to dating and verbally abusive. I was very sensitive but also trying like crazy to be with him for whatever reason(s). We would break up and get back together several times and all while I was trying to still appear to be “straight” to everyone else in the world. Eventually we broke up for good when I left for the final time because it started becoming physically unsafe on top of the emotional turmoils. We had some good times but none of them were THAT good, yet we kept going back and forth bringing the worst out of each other even over very trivial things(we would even argue about arguing).
But there was also a guy I met that was more around my age(let’s call him B) whom I was interested in after he displayed interest in me. But I chose to stay with the toxic relationship mess I was in so I thought that I ruined the relationship and added tremendously to the toxicity after M found out and also a chance with the guy that was interested in me. But I became obsessive over both M and B.
While with M, he would block me and do all kinds of things to push me away but I kept trying to be with him over and over. I would call him from different phones or just email him if he blocked me through texts and calls. It was like I finally woke up from all of it and decided that our separation was long over did because nothing was getting better and did in fact become worse. I stopped all together.
I now go to B unfortunately because I now think that B was the guy I was suppose to be with and not M. But not only did I push B away by being a total bitch to him to stay with M, B was now also dating someone. He disclosed this to me after I tried to go back to him so to speak. And obsession round 4 starts. I’m going through social media and anything else I can looking him up and searching more info on him. I’m literally trying to cyber stalk him and feeling so guilty, ashamed and low that I become depressed. I become depressed with the belief that him and I should’ve been together instead of M and i and I chose the wrong guy. The kicker is, this goes on for months. After all the drama with M, now I’m going through more drama but with myself only now. B moved on. And “I was so shitty for how I talked to him and ending things with him.”
Somehow I managed to keep going (with a smile) and still going from job to job, still trying to make ends meet and move up with life. One day B and I start talking again surprisingly and I am really happy about that. Then we actually hang out and we just did more sexual things than anything without going all of the way. Then shortly after, maybe a couple of days or so, he switched up how he was acting towards me. Come to find out, he and the guy he was dating got back together and B just cut me off pretty much. Then it happened again; another depressed episode that I remember lasting for about a week. But even though I bounced back from that I did not snap out of obsessive behaviors with B. I would still check on his social media and do searches for him even though over time I did that less and less. But one day we started talking again because I found his number on his FB. I sent him a text and he responded and we started talking like nothing ever happened.
We started dating again and it was going well. We really had fun times together. But I started questioning myself, overthinking and over reacting mostly. He didn’t do anything that was a “red flag” but I just would get triggered with him every other week. I remember getting on his case about him not texting me back while he was at work, because in my mind if he could text me back sometimes then i shouldn’t have to wait hours for him to respond when I know he has his phone with him. I remember getting on him about going out with some friends one night because he told me he was going to let me know when he got to his friend’s place but he didn’t. I remember it seemed like it was me getting on his case mostly and it started becoming almost frequent. It got to the point where I’m getting on him about even more stuff that I thought normally wouldn’t even bother me. I was getting on him over and over. I thought it was just because I was working three jobs at one time. I thought it was because I was stressing over rent and bills. Until the next guy.
Needless to say B breaks up with me and shortly after he got a job offer elsewhere. It was a job he wanted and he relocated. I went into it again; the depression episode. This time, I couldn’t work without crying or anyone noticing my demeanor. This time it’s worst because I have three jobs, living without my parents and feeling like I’m failing at everything. Feeling like I drove him away again. I’m checked into the hospital by a co worker and friend that takes me to the hospital. From there I’m checked into the mental institution hospital.
So fast forward some months, I’m over B and feel like I have a new, better and healthier outlook. I started becoming spiritual and feeling like I was changing perspectives. I moved back in with my immediate family and transitioned to work only 1 job. I really enjoyed this job too! I was a server at a restaurant and the longer I worked there the better I got at it and felt about everything. I would pray more, meditate, take myself on dates, go out, stay in, do things with the family and etc. I was on a roll and even when faced with challenges, I still pushed through for about a year. Within that year, I was promoted to be a manager of the restaurant, attended the wedding of my best friends who I also work with, went to Miami on top of everything else I changed for the better. B and I even chatted again and I felt like I was really over him!! Life was so good, I really changed up and felt like I was living my best life!!
So then in June of 2018 I quit the restaurant suddenly after a fallout with the owner who is also my friend who’s wedding I attended. It was me over reacting about a comment he made about some of the workers that I didn’t agree with. We didn’t see eye to eye and I definitely didn’t listen to him. I quit that day and walked about just before my shift. Even though I got another job less than a week after that, I still realized that I messed up. We apologized to each other after I called him up and he hadn’t treated me different at all. Now I’m working at another restaurant but I quit that one too after only about a month of being there. Some of the employees started fighting in the kitchen and there were other things going on too so I just decided to leave. I then got another job about a week or so after that.
While working at this new place, the coffee shop, I meet another guy. Let’s call him Z. But I didn’t meet him at work. I met him after going to visit some family that lived out of state and we happened to meet. The night we met I found out was on a full moon in August of 2018. When we saw each other it was like fireworks. I saw his face light up and I felt warm on the inside. We had some good sex that night and spent idk how long talking with each other. It felt so right, like it was home or familiar. We already trusted each other and knew things about each other intuitively. We also had common interests and goals too.
Of course I leave because I have to go back to my hometown. I thought it was too good to be true and that we wouldn’t continue because we lived in different states. But about a week or so after Z starts messaging me again asking me mostly when would I come back? I remember thinking “holy crap he really likes me and I like him!” We were determined to see each other again! We would y’all when we could until I started tripping. A couple of weeks into our talking phase, I didn’t know what to make of it because we never said we were officially dating even though he stated we were both single yet he wanted me all to himself. So I was confused about that and starting the overthinking process, but instead of flat out asking him what’s up I just tried to go with the flow.
One day I notice he doesn’t text me back. But I’m determined to not be upset about it. But that 1 day turned into 2 and I was starting to become a little anxious because the last text I sent him was a really sweet one that came from my heart. “It’s ok, you don’t need to freak out. You aren’t needy. You take days sometimes to respond to people too sometimes,” I kept telling myself. But I caved and sent him a text again. Then he said he couldn’t talk at that moment so I replied back asking if he would like phone calls better.
That night he called me and he started talking about his day. I told him I wish I was there to rub him down and he made a joke that made my heart jump. He said “don’t go falling in love,” jokingly but for whatever reason I instantly felt discomfort inside of me. I played it off and tried to joke back like I wasn’t triggered at all. He made another joke that I was triggered about right after. Talk about double wammy. He said he was saying the sweet things and all “just to get the puss*” jokingly and I played it off. We said goodnight but I was bothered. “Was I right about him? Is this why I’ve been feeling like I’ve been getting mixed signals? Oh no I really like this, I thought we were vibing pretty well naturally.”
The next morning I texted him saying how “I would rather be dating a guy that I’m having sex with and that if you just want sex that’s ok but it’s difficult for me to do that. If I’m having sex with a guy it’s because I like him on more than one level.” He said he thinks we should talk more and when we finally get the time we talk. But it’s more of me rambling through texts than anything else. He states that “if you wanted to date you could’ve just said that and he would be willing to date” but by this time I’m already rambling through texts sending him message after message. He then calls me and states how it was turning him off and he was just joking.
After the phone call we didn’t talk for a little bit, maybe about a week or so. For whatever reason I started looking through tarot card readings on YouTube and the readings I watched striked me because of what the readings were saying that I kept watching. Several different videos seem to be describing him and I!! I was shook, they said we would get married and have a great relationship amongst many other qualities and characteristics that we both have. I couldn’t believe it, it was like they were saying that this was bound to happen;Z and I meeting. The readings kept describing us, the living situations and more so accurately! And that we’re soulmates!!
So now after this I’m distraught because these readings are so accurate it seems yet I messed it up because I already have been pushing him away. I texted him more saying how I’m sorry and that I liked him. He was trying to tell me just let it go but I didn’t. I felt bad and was struggling with my emotions again in secret. I started already going back in forth in my head about him and then after the tarot cards I just wanted to go back to the way it was before. I just wanted to move forward but I didn’t know how because I felt blinded. I felt like I was losing it. He told me we couldn’t date after me trying to bring up the phone call for the 3rd time. I still tried to play it off and said “you’re right. Could I give you something as a toke of my appreciation?”
I was thinking that my gift be a massage for him. That is what he would like because he told me he would like that before. He told me he would like for me to come to him even though I didn’t tell him what the gift was. But the day before, he seemed to have forgot because I text him a reminder and he didn’t even know what I was talking about until I sent a screen shot to him.
So in October I travel out of state, go see him and everything goes down hill. It seemed like that whole day before going to see him I was rushing and scattered. He gets home from work and I go see him. He opens the door and I instantly felt the energy was different than the last time I was in his arms. We have a little bit of small talk and then I take his arm and he follows me into the bedroom. As soon as we get to the bed he starts getting ready for sex and I tell him “that’s not why I brought you here, I want to give you a massage.” He seemed so excited the first time we talked about it before we had the phone call. But he just says”yeah each, after this.” And proceeds to undress. I’m attracted to him and I believe him and think “maybe everything is ok.” So we have sex but it’s not the same for me, I’m not as relaxed or into it as I was the first time. I still had things on my mind and did feel like something was wrong slightly. After the sex he asks me a series of questions and compliments me before giving me a kiss as I’m getting my clothes on after showering.
I literally remember thinking “he’s kissing me goodbye,” when he kissed me. I acted like nothing was wrong though and left. So the next day I text him and nothing. Then I sent him another text the day after that and nothing. So about a week after that I sent another and nothing. I’m thinking “ok, don’t freak out he’s just busy.” I call and nothing and then I realize that he really isn’t saying anything at all back. I figured “I’ll just keep sending him messages that I feel like would be good for him.” I didn’t text him every day, but about a week apart from each other.
One day, I notice that he blocked me. I have become all too familiar with how to know you have been blocked from being with M. That’s when I start freaking out. But I lied and said that I got a new phone after messaging him on Instagram. He still didn’t respond from Instagram either and then that’s when it really sunk in that he just didn’t care about me at all anymore. “What did I do that was so wrong that he couldn’t even tell me that? Why did he not even respond to not one thing? I wasn’t sending him messages about us dating either I was sending friendly stuff, so why did he just ghost me:(“
I lost it when I realized he really was ignoring me and I didn’t know why. “I know that I overthought and caused some disconnect. But the last one we were together I didn’t know he really didn’t even want to speak to me at all. I couldn’t even get a thanks for this or that I upset him? Why does he hate me now?!! He just used me for some sex??!” All of these thoughts were racing once I realized this but I just messaged him “I didn’t realize you were ignoring me but thank you for everything.”
And here we go again; depression episode 5. At first I thought I would be fine, after all I did start overthinking and putting strain on us. But it literally hit harder and harder each day until by the end of November I was feeling down. I kept thinking about the tarot cards and how that was suppose to be Z and I. Those tarot card readings I listened to seemed to accurate for me to believe that it was ok that we didn’t work out. “That was the life I’ve been wanting and working for,” I thought to myself and “I screwed it up.” Then I began being observed and checking his social media and becoming darker and darker. “OMG HE REALLY IS A GREAT GUY” the more and more I searched him. “I just messed up this thing that could’ve been wonderful with the man of my dreams.”
One night while working I start crying feeing like I have lost control. Since that night it would Get worse to the point where I am in the sunken place again. It’s worse now because “I thought I knew better.” I’m contemplating suicide because I feel so stupid and hopeless for the life that I’ve wanted. I feel like a fake too because I was so positive before all of this. The “single” me doesn’t get depressed, “I was doing good man.”
Further and further down the hole I go. I am questioning myself because I thought I knew better yet still became like my old toxic self. “Everyone knows me as a positive and fun person and I have been doing so good. Praying,eating better and etc. what happened?!! Why did I get so triggered? Why didn’t I ramble like that? Why didn’t I stop myself with the new hobbies,skills and abilities I know I have now?! Why did I tell Z that I don’t think I can give him what he wants?! Why did I start criminalizing and and questioning him like that only to see he really is the guy I’ve been praying for to be with?!!”
Then that’s turned into “let’s get him to talk to me somehow. I want to hear his voice. Why did he ghost me like that, I’ll make him pay.”
Submitted January 28, 2019 at 05:41AM by fromnorfolkwithlove http://bit.ly/2MFsmxC
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