My partner and I have been in a relationship for over a year (f19 m18) and are very much in love. He’s always made me laugh and we have a lot in common, that’s how it was when we met anyway. As teenage relationships go we got together quickly after meeting through friends, it was obvious we were really into each other and from then I felt like he would be the first person I ever fell in love with. (He is straight, Ive been basically asexual until I met him). Everything. Was really great at first, we had a good circle of friends, we went out on a few dates, my work was going great and I was helping him with his (we are both artists in art school).
Then things started to turn. I remember him telling me that i work too much, or that I should just skip class, then it moved to the way I dress, the makenup I wear which is really only eyeliner and mascara, not much.. he started making me feel really insignificant to him, but the problem was I was falling in love and so I didn’t see it. It just kind of escalated from there. We stopped going out, I stopped wearing skirts or dresses or anything slightly cute, I stopped talking to my friends bc they were “bad”, stopped listening to the music I liked, making art, playing video games, you get the picture. At the time I felt like I was being “corrected” and not liked for who I was.
Our relationship at 3 months became abusive, he would scream in my face or shout at me, tell me I’m needy, tell me I was too much.. it was like all the care he’d shown me was just kind of fading. I would often voice my concerns and insecurities and hear back that I just had PTSD from my past and that I was being annoying or something - really dismissive. I constantly felt like I was being analysed and if I was ever happy he’d very quickly stomp it out of me with harsh words or telling me everything was “bullshit”. It really broke me as a person, but I totally believed I could fix him and make him happy. I was still in love with him and I thought it would never happen again.
But of course it did.
I won’t go into too much detail, but he would grab my face, shake my head, bite my face, squeeze my wrists and generally hurt me. Most recently it’s resulted in digging his nails into my skin till I scar or bleed or trying to suffocate me by strangling me in an effort to keep me quiet from screaming for help. He’s told me it’s so I can “pass out” so he can deal with me better. It’s a cycle. He’ll say something outrageous to me, I’ll cry, he gets angry that I cry because he feels bad and then he just loses it.
My boyfriend has ADHD and Autism, I should mention this, but I don’t think it excuses his behaviours.
On our one year anniversary he hurt me really badly several times, on Christmas Eve he strangled me till I couldn’t breathe, on the 27th it started again, he got angry at me for being excited that I’d got him a lot of gifts and put effort into our own Christmas and when I cried about him being mean he started to hurt me. Oh, and if you’re still reading, I weigh just about 10 kilo’s and he weighs just over 15 (he’s naturally quite wide and has a lot of power).
I’ll try and wrap this up, I started screaming because I thought I was going to die. I was absolutely terrified, and then he hit me very hard in the head. I kept screaming until his parents burst in, I told his step mum everything and she was kind to me, but I instantly regretted it. Now his parents know everything and, as much as I’ve tried to leave him I do want to try and work this out. I’ve described a lot of the abuse, mainly only the physical bits. But I feel like I’ve lost who I am, I got kicked out of school, my relationships with my family are ruined, I’ve been hospitalised, he’s been hospitalised for stabbing himself in front of me (a whole other thing) and I just feel so so broken. Here’s the guy I love and, this whole thing has just been riddled with disasters. He can be really great, honestly, when he’s not making me feel bad or hurting me, and I love him so much I always end up going back. I’m aware how unhealthy this all is, but I’m not sure what to do anymore. I’m spending all my money going to see him every day when sometimes I just wanna stay at home. He hates me for enjoying anything, I got a Nintendo switch for Christmas and I didn’t tell him the other few things I got because I knew he’d shit on them. He made me feel really bad for getting it even though I’m estranged fro my mum and she actually tried to get me something I’d enjoy. I don’t feel like a person anymore and I’m scared I won’t ever be able to get back to reality. What do I do? We have uni soon, he’s applied to all the places I have. How can I either fix this or escape this? I love him, I’m scared to leave him, I just want to be myself again.
Submitted January 05, 2019 at 11:32AM by sgtjackieblue http://bit.ly/2RcelwS
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