If I could've skipped these two weeks, I would have. I don't really have friends or family, and have been alone for a week already. Now that this one's coming to an end for me, the prospect of another one is daunting.
I actually miss therapy, because at least I have somewhere to go, a goal, something to work on. I miss sitting in a slightly crappy art studio and not having to think, but just make stuff. I miss all the meaningless conversations, even if they're triggering.
Being alone makes my derealization and depersonalization worse. It's very hard to stop myself from overthinking and panicking. To get out of my head I walk a lot. That helps. I try to do things that make me feel good about myself. Like clean something, or work out. That helps too.
But it's hard. There are a lot of hours in a day. I try to stay strong and look at it rationally. It's just two weeks. A lot of people must go through this. It could be a lot worse. Before I know it, it'll be over. But I guess I feel like... I'm exhausted from doing that. Sometimes my plan to act tough backfires, because I ignore what I'm really feeling. I'm scared. Of being with my own brain for too long. Of that inner critic getting louder. I'm scared of the dark places I know I can go to. It hasn't happened yet - and last year by now it had, so that's something. But the fear is still here. All this time and space, it's too much. I want someone to... talk to. I want someone to talk to me. And that's human, I think - there was a time I didn't feel that way. So it's probably a good thing. But wanting it and not having it - oof, that's hard.
And now there's constant fireworks, even as I'm writing this. I have to calm myself down by breathing slowly every time. I'm sure more people are familiar with it. Sometimes I jump, my heartrate goes way up, I freeze. It sucks.
I'm going to pick myself up, tomorrow. I'm going to wear the fluffiest pyjamas I own, and do a facemask, paint me nails or whatever, and watch some pretty fireworks. And then I'm going to spend the week running, working out, and making art, and deep cleaning my house until there's truly nothing left to clean. And I'll do yoga with Adriene and read all of the books. I will.
But man, does this hurt and suck sometimes. I think it's good to acknowledge that. This being alone for two weeks while everyone's posting pictures with family and friends thing... it's not easy.
Submitted December 31, 2018 at 02:42AM by potje http://bit.ly/2Vg8fKa
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