My birthday is on Saturday, and I've been having nightmares again. They started in July fergossakes! It's gradually gotten to every night and my uBPDmother is always just back in my life like "normal".
Its crazy that my nightmares are about her being normal. In them, she's almost always visiting our home, she touches me on the butt or boobs, lets herself into my home while I'm asleep (I can't tell if those ones are real until I've searched the house) or she just has a normal conversation with me. I wake DH with my yelling and the other night I woke myself (but not him) when I punched him in the head. - Don't worry, I barely touched him but I laid that bitch out in my dream!
31st July, about two weeks after the nightmares started again, I got a card in the mail from her. Weird timing, huh? I recognised her writing on the envelope and my back muscles seized up and still ache now. I didn't know what to do so I did nothing.
I got another card last week, DH found got the mail and waited until after dinner to give it to me quietly. I didn't share this one with the kids and decided not to respond but I was starting to panic about my birthday.
Today, she sent me a text via DH. She hasn't been in touch with him since June and this is her first contact.
I don't want to see her. I hate the way I feel about her, it was easier in a way when I didn't see how manipulative and controlling she is and just thought it was all me. I don't know how to respond.
I know if I do see her for lunch she won't want to discuss what I've been thinking or ask why I've been out of contact. That's fine because I don't want to talk to her about it, I couldn't handle her hurt and disbelief, etc. There's no point because it takes a huge amount of energy and nothing changes for long. I also think she wants to take me shopping for my birthday (yes, lovebomb). Last year she bought me underwear and cringe was in the changing room while I tried it on. I can't believe how I lived and what I put up with - what was normal!
What I really want (and what DH is getting me) is art supplies... drool! But to be honest she doesn't approve of painting and my work isn't her thing. Which is fine, but I wish she'd show a little interest in something that's such a huge part of who I am.
And it is my job; I do it every day now, no matter how I feel and while I don't make enough to support myself, I am working on it. I've developed a daily art routine since being NC and I don't have to explain it to anyone! It's heaven. -Funny enough, I've been working on stuff that I think she might like lately. Too bad, it's for me. Ner ner :-P
We're not even celebrating until the Monday because DH has an assignment for uni due on Sunday, and I doubt we'll even have a cake. I hate a big "happy birthday" fuss. I'd just like to spend the weekend painting and cleaning, do some gardening with DS (his thing, it helps with his depression), some nails or makeup with DD and a coffee with DH at the local cafe (he'll need a break from study).
The thing is, I'm afraid she'll show up at our house on Friday (because DH isn't home) or Saturday (on the day) if I don't respond or say no. With presents and passive aggressive statements. And I don't want the kids exposed to that.
I would love any insights, responses and advice you have about this horror birthday weekend. Hugs everyone, I've missed you guys! <3 <3 <3
Edited to add: I forgot to add that I've been NC for seven months now. It's funny how it's gone both fast and slow. Did anyone else find that?
Submitted September 24, 2018 at 08:10AM by marking_time https://ift.tt/2zp5CNl
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