1000 things we learned from 'Riverdale'

Maybe one of these exists already, but if it does, it's buried 6 feet deep with a sackful of quicklime.

It's old hat, sure, but I can't think of a more perfect target than this show, so, here goes:

1. Word on the street is the Ghoulies are out for Serpent blood.
2. Any lock can be picked in 2 seconds with a simple hairpin.
3. Fred Andrews' beard is as unkempt as Riverdale is sinful.
4. When someone's all pretty smiles and cinnamon cookies, chances are they're hiding bodies in the night.
5. It's not murder if you deliver your fake brother to a serial killer.
6. Archie is going to make his BONES as soon as he stops looking pensively into the distance. ... ... Any time now.
7. When you're part of a murderous riot, fashion counts for everything.
8. Sweet Pea is an ideal name for a tough-as-nails gang member.
9. A little threat and a pig's heart in a box is nothing between friends.
10. When you go out avenging your mob boss father, be sure to walk in as slowly as possible, hold menacing talks to your targets and, most crucially, not bring any guns. That would just be too predictable.
11. The Darkness resides in Betty Cooper. In case you didn't hear it, let me repeat that: the DARKNESS resides in Betty Cooper. And you can't LOCK IT UP!
12. Two enforcers is enough for a mob boss -- provided he lives in a fortress and one of them knows martial arts.
13. Nagging at a serial killer husband is a VERY bad idea.
14. Hamburgers will make your wounds heal super-quickly.
15. Nothing's manlier than beating up a spoiled rich kid whose both legs are in a cast.
16. If something bad happens and it's not a dream (which it probably is), you'd better lie about it or ignore it.
17. Switch between high-horse moral indignation and committing terrible crimes every 10 minutes. That way, you'll never lack for entertainment (and, as luck would have it, neither will us the audience).

Submitted May 25, 2018 at 03:39PM by stiiknafuulia https://ift.tt/2sdbnZu