I would like to preface this post by saying I am a lifelong gamer. I am not some "gaming prude" that thinks playing GTA makes you a serial killer. I have played games all my life and would continue doing so until the day I die. But probably not in the same manner.
Last night I was hopelessly browsing through Steam and GOG for new titles. I have finished DOS2 for the second time (best RPG of all time) and needed something to scratch the itch.
You know how some people spend more time browsing titles on netflix than actually watching anything? Yeah. I became the cliche. Everything was either too micromanagement, too bad in terms of UI, boring gameplay etc. Than I asked myself this:
"When have you ever been satisfied by a game?"
And then I started thinking. A lot. I really wanted to answer that question so I started to list all the video games I have ever played in my life. Everything from obscure dinosaurs like Technomage and Silver, to classics like Civilization and World of Warcraft, to recent titles like DOS and Witcher 3.
My list is currently 120+ titles long. I have also went on and added hours played. Some from Steam actual amount, and some from memory. I also included all the time I spent reading various gaming wiki's to become better at some games (EU 4 I am looking at you!).
I have to tell you, as much as I love games, and I think they are a true medium for art, that list wasn't such a pretty thing to look at.
Between all the Dota clones I have about 3500+ hours! And these were not enjoyable hours. For every cool match with cool teamamates that exchanged jokes with each other there were a 100 other matches of toxic pub scrubs shouting poison at each other (with me being among them).
I won't lie to you - these 12 hours a day of playing dota games from dawn to dusk were not done during a happy period in my life, which could be said of WoW as well. Even while I was on a winning streak I was not happy! Instead of enjoying my 25+ MMR, I just wanted to quickly start the other match. And don't mention losing streaks - every lost match just made me want to play another match to win back those MMR points. I have never taken to gambling. Not even filling a lottery ticket. But wasn't that a Skinner Box every casino owner would dream of?
I won't lie and tell you all games made me miserable. I still get misty eyed when I think of To The Moon. The Walking Dead season 1 was probably the best point and click games of all time that singe handedly revitalized a dying genre. And after finishing Planescape:Torment I was legit not knowing how to continue my life for 3 days straight. It was that good.
But all of these great gaming experiences were a week of dota in length. I may be to blame because of my poor choice in games. But whenever I feel a need to play, I don't go for these types of games. I may think "I really want to start playing Pillars of Eternity" but then I say "ah screw it fire up Civilization!".
I am not bashing players of Civilization or Dota. You are entitled to like what you like. I can't help but feel like a rat in a Skinner box when I want "just one more turn/match".
Anyways, this is getting too long. My final tally was that I probably burned 10,000 to 20,000 hours on games. You ever heard of the 10k hours rule? I could be a world class pianist in that time, or just a really good cook, chess player, step up dancer, beat boxer and hobbyist EDM producer all at the same time.
I am not blaming anyone but myself for this. Currently im in school studying fullstack web development after getting my life on track and off meds. Programming is one of the most interesting things I have ever done. I can do it for like 10 hours day. It's not as "primally gratifying" as pwning newbz, but I can love myself at the end of the day.
Playing so much could have been a sign of depression, loneliness and anxiety more than a fault in the medium of video games itself. If I would have put in 1 - 2 hours a day in really quality story based games, or weren't so obsessed about reading dozens of wiki articles about nailing a perfect colonizing superpower in Europa Universalis 4 on the hardest difficulty I would have enjoyed it all more. I guess games take advantage of my perfectionism.
I would like to close by saying that now I think why I was stuck in that "browsing hell" yesterday. Maybe there are "no good games to play" because it's not games that I need. Every game that I ever played was some form of an RPG, and I think its because I was always chasing this feeling of accomplishment in a medium that was ill suited to deliver it to me.
Maybe I can't find a good game because what I really need is to finish this fucking web app I want to build for all this year but never got around to for a myriad of bullshit reasons.
I have loved games, will always love games, and I will most definitely develop one or two in the future. But a really good game you know? Not a shitty skinner box. In Planescape Torment I was talking a character out of suicide. For someone that was depressed for half of his 20's, that's something for me. And no rare epic will be as good as developing something like that for someone out there who might be like what I once was.
It would be nice to hear your input on my experience, or your experience with games and how they contribute, or not contribute to your happiness.
I would like to thank all the crazy people that read up until this point, if you exist. I will play much less now. But I promise to love it more.
Submitted November 08, 2019 at 06:46AM by BigBootyBear https://ift.tt/2NRQrlO
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