Ranting about others.

I honestly never really cared what other people thought of me until it happened so many times, I feel like it’s all true. Let’s start with 7th grade. My ex friend was talking to another friend and she goes, “Live2Die is so flat chested.” Luckily the other friend goes, “Leave her alone. She can’t help it. Stop being mean.” Okay, I was a REAAALLY late bloomer. Like, I had my period when I was 13, yet my “boobs” were barely an A. Another time in 7th grade....I’m kind of slow. Like if someone said a joke, it would take me a too 7 seconds after to actually get it. So I’m sitting at my desk. The desks are all arranged by 4 in a group. The kid next to me wears glasses, and today I noticed he didn’t have them on. I ask him “where are your glasses?” And he goes “I don’t know.” As I turn back to my desk, I hear him tell the kid in front of him, “she’s so stupid.” I snuck a peak from the corner of my eye, and realized that his glasses were just resting on his desk, but my blind self didn’t see it. I felt like an idiot after hearing him say that. Another time, 7th grade again. My glasses were getting kind of old, and I needed new ones, but due to money issues, my mom couldn’t really afford me newer glasses at the time. So, I was walking to my class, and I’m maybe 5 feet from the door. The door has a note that says “Go to lab 305.” Okay. I tell another of my classmates who were going to the door and I say “hey, the teacher wants us to go to lab 305.” I go to lab 305, I knock on the door. No one answers. I go back to the classroom and this time get closer to the door. The note doesn’t say “305” it said “803” So obviously, when I get there, I’m the last one because I’m so blind. As I’m going to my seat, I hear this one mean girl say “she’s so stupid.” Luckily, a girl yelled at her, “Leave that girl alone!” But still. Was called stupid twice. But this isn’t the first time I had an issue with that mean girl. Let’s just call her S. So around where it’s 4 months before school ends, yearbooks are on sale. My friend who’s rich decides to pay for she and I. The books were $35 a person. So, we get our yearbooks, we’re going through, showing our friends, whatever. I’m in my chorus class, and S asks me “Hey Live2Die, can I borrow your yearbook? I just want to look at it and show my friends. Don’t worry I’ll give it back.” I was TOO kind in school. Like it’s bad. So obviously I give it to her. 1 day 2 day 5 days She never gives back my yearbook. One day in chorus I see her and her friends gathered around looking at a yearbook. I ask her if it’s mine and she tells me it’s one of her friends. I didn’t ask her where mine was because I don’t know. $35 wasted! I told my friend and she told me it’s okay. But still I felt bad. I was also mad at myself for actually giving up my yearbook like that. Another time, 8th grade. I’m in the lunchroom and I’m taking my lunch to my seat. I hear this one kid say “that girl with the pink pants on is ugly. She got a big @$$ head. Her ugly @$$.” Nice. And 13 year old me was already called stupid twice and flat chested, now I’m being called ugly. Another time in 8th grade, this actually stuck with me. I don’t know it just hurt. My friend and I are walking home. We both live pretty far, so we were confused when we saw about 15 of our classmates walking the same direction as us. I ask one of them what’s going on and they told me they wanted to fight these twin girls. Well, only 4 of them wanted to fight the twins and her brothers, the others where there to record the fight. The twins also live in the same area as I. So my friend goes home, not because she was scared, but she has to be home by a certain time. I start walking home too, until I see the twins headed the direction the 15 kids are. Once they pass me, I make a U-Turn and start walking behind them. I’m thinking to myself “ooooh! I’ll finally see the start of a fight.” The other 15 kids are waiting down the street, like 35 feet? So I’m standing there, and the rude twin goes “Live2Die why are you here?” “I’m here to watch the fight.” “Girl you need to take yo ugly @$$ home.” Then there’s just a sound of some kids going “oooooh” Oh no. I didn’t want to just leave, because it would make me look like a coward. So, I reach in my pocket and pull out my phone and go “Oh! My mom is calling. I didn’t even know.” And pretended like my mom was telling me to come home. Meanwhile a boy next to me goes “Live2Die Plleeeeaase don’t call the police.” I tell him I won’t. And proceed to walk away, still pretending I’m talking to my mom on the phone. I’m not gonna lie, when I got home, I cried. That really hurt. Like I know the other boy has said I was ugly, but I’ve never been called ugly to my face. That really hurt me. Everyday at some point, I remember her saying “girl you need to take yo ugly @$$ home.” When I got home that day, my mom asked me if the kids were going to fight. Apparently she drove by earlier and saw a group of them and asked if they were going to fight. Of course no ghetto kid is going to say yes. Clearly, they told my mom no. I also told my mom “no. They were just meeting up to go hang out.” And I hate myself for lying. Luckily, the school found out and the twins both got Out Of School Suspension for 5 days. The rude one was the one that called me ugly. I secretly hated her ever since. But yet, when she comes back, she asks me if she can use my notes and idiot me puts on the fakest smile and says “yes.” She’s probably thinking I forgot. Another 8 grade time, my language arts teacher lets the class go to the bathroom, so we all walk and go as a group. I’m in the last stall. You know, the big stall with its own mirror and sink. As I’m pushing the door, I realize it’s not going. I push again. That’s when I look under the stall and can see some girl blocking the door. Great, just great. Am I even safe in the bathroom? I pretend like I’m fixing my hair or something, so that it doesn’t seem obvious. Even though these girls are thinking I’m so weak that I can’t push the door open. Only one girl was leaning again the door, the other one, who was that same rude twin was laughing. A third girl was washing her hands. When she FINALLY stepped away, I walked out. Annoyed. The third girl said “Y’all need to stop messing with that girl.” 9th grade, I’m walking with my female and guy friend. Female friend whispers to guy “Live2Die is so flat chested.” I turn around and go “Female...” but that’s all. I don’t even know why when I was clearly bigger than her. Even though I was a late bloomer, it was obvious. She even did that again in 11th grade when she was to my friends house. And tried to tell her that my boobs were smaller than hers. And that they felt “weird.” She said that because one time we were walking and she just randomly decides to grab all of the girls by their breasts. I wish I did something instead of giving a disgusted look and cover my chest. I hate that I allowed her to do so without any warning. AUGH! 9th grade; The same rude twin from 8th. I have this hoodie with an attached hoodie. The hoodie I can detach from the jacket at any time. One day, I was walking around with the hoodie hat, and a normal shirt and some pants. Yeah, I guess now when I imagined I probably did look silly. I walk past the twins and their group of friends, and I hear the rude one say “She need to take that $hit off!” And what did stupid me do? I snacted the detached hoodie off of me in two seconds. That makes me look like a idiot. That I let people control me. Also 9th grade, this same rude twin, but it’s her friend. I’m in class, and all of the sudden the friend L goes “her voice sounds like there’s sand caught in her throat.” The new kid that they befriended a while back says “I never heard her voice.” I’m the quiet kid so I don’t talk much. The guys are trying to get me to talk now, the twin is laughing, and the new kid is just sitting there. “He said talk. Tell him what your voice sounds like.” But I didn’t. The teacher notices and ask me if he was bothering me. (Yes.) “No, Mrs.” Another 9th grade, I’m standing in the back of my class. A see these three girls looking at me. One of them is pointing and saying something to the other two. The two girls are laughing and the other girl is staring while still talking. I continue to stare at them with this blank expression because I’m awkward. And I don’t do well in situations like this. I don’t know what they were saying, and it was clear that they knew that I knew they were talking about me. 11th grade: This girl is asking everyone for a quarter. Then she asks me if I have a quarter? “What?” “A quarter.” “What??” “A QUARTER! Do you have a QUARTER! Gosh!” “No.” The girl behind her goes “Why are you yelling at her? Leave her alone.” “Because she acts like she can’t hear!” Actually, my hearing isn’t good. But I didn’t say it. Gosh high schoolers were so rude. Another time 8th grade, my teacher was asking me something but I didn’t get it. Then after I finally got what she meant, a girl says loudly enough “she’s so slooow.” 8th grade again: Around 8th grade I started using Facebook, because 13/14 year old me was finally curious about social media. My profile picture was a selfie of me and I used this wig app to put some wig on my hair. Dumb me thought it would be cute to have this as my profile picture. I was in chorus and I turn on my phone for a bit, and the girl next to me goes “this b@$ch got her profile picture set as her wallpaper.” Middle and High school sucked. I got called ugly, stupid, slow, mocked, talked about, made of fun for my voice. And sadly all of these affected me. I started being quiet around 10th grade and never talked unless forced to. Whenever the teacher had people be with parters, I always asked to work by myself. If I couldn’t I just chose the next quiet kid. I didn’t like my voice after it was made fun of. I started wearing a bra 2 cups bigger that pushed my boobs together to make cleavage so that I wasn’t “flat” anymore. Even though I was only an A. When I got stuck and couldn’t figure out what the teacher was teaching, instead of asking the teacher to go back or slow down, I just sit there in silence. I didn’t want to called “slow.” When curious about a student, I never asked. I didn’t want to mistake them or get called “stupid.” I never spoke up. I’ve had people talking about me, literally close and loud enough where I can hear them. But instead of leaving or ignoring I give them weird side glances. When we had to present something to the class, and it was for a grade, I chose not to. If someone asked for my homework I gave it to them. I couldn’t say no, stand up to myself, or do something to prove to these people that I’m something more than a pushover. I wanted to, but didn’t. If someone insulted me, I never tried standing up for myself. Mainly because I didn’t want the person to try to fight me, and I’m not good at fighting. I’m a lot smaller than the people at my school. And I didn’t want fighting to affect my grade or school. My anxiety got bad. I tried distancing myself from others. If someone tried to talk to me, I kept the conversation short. I thought what if they’re thinking “ew. What’s wrong with her voice? I should’ve have said anything.” “Lol. She’s so ugly.” I hate how I let these people get to me so bad it affected me. Like come on now. I’m sure the others that insulted me probably forgot. But to me, it hurt. Like my confidence was gone. I think I’ll never find love because of my voice, looks, small boobs, and small butt. I feel like an idiot. Now I’m here, putting on foundation and doing my nails everyday. And actually CARING about what I wear. I hate wearing pants or anything tight to expose my lack of chest, butt, curves and hips. I always try to wear a flared skirt to hide my non-curves and hips and a lose shirt that doesn’t go down to my non-existent cleavage. These people have ruined me to this and I hate that. I wish I could just stand up for myself. I can’t even talk to anyone about my problems. Except my mom, who will just tell me that I need to stand up for myself. But I can’t. If someone calls me ugly what am I supposed to say? “Joe mama”? That will probably end up in a one way ticket to getting punched. And I don’t need bruises on my already ugly face. In high school, my friends and I would hang out in the school courtyard sometimes. About halfway hanging out, I would leave and pretend I’m going to the bathroom, when I’m actually going to go to another empty table to rest my head and cry to myself, because someone said something to me. I hate that, yet I’m the person that if someone tells me their friend called them ugly, I would tell them “you’re not. Don’t listen to other people. Don’t let them judge you.” Meanwhile I’m doing the opposite. Someone calls me ugly I go home, cry, and try to update my look somehow, or I try to avoid being seen. If someone calls me stupid, I’m gonna look up whatever question I asked or something that involved me being called stupid. Or if someone says “that jackets is dirty.” I would probably run home and then never wear it again. “You need to fix your hair.” Goes home and straightens it or whatever. I didn’t even have a good moment for graduation. We were preparing for where we’re going to sit, and I hear these two girls behind me talking about my hair. “She needs to fix her edges. Her hair is nappy. She needs to redo it.” I held back the tears, and then I forgot during graduation. Jeez people, can’t even leave everyone alone during graduation? I’m trying my best to not let people get to me. I’m trying to tell myself that there’s always going to be people that bring you down fr whatever reason. I don’t know. Maybe they had a bad day or they just get a good laugh out of it, but it’s hard. Your boobs are too small. Puberty catches up and now you got Double D’s. “They’re probably fake.” You have a straight waist. Works out. She’s trying to get attention. Has a small butt. Works out. “It’s probably fake too.” Make up your mind, people. What’s worst it people make fun you mostly for something you can’t control. “Your black.” Okay, It’s my skin. “You’re ugly.” I can’t help how I look. “You’re short,” This actually wouldn’t bother me but still. “You have no hips.” Leave me alone then, do you have something better to do? You already know I’m going to defend myself. Stop harassing me! I wish I could’ve defended myself through school. But I was scared. I’ve seen where kids in class try standing up for themselves, and then the other kids curses them out, they’re friends get involved, or something. You can’t do anything without SOMEONE saying SOMETHING! I wish I didn’t care what people say. I wish I could say “I don’t care about your opinion. It doesn’t matter.” Even thought I feel like I’m lying. I’ve been called ugly so much I believe it. Even if my cousins jokingly called me ugly, I would cry. I’m 18 years old and I would STILL cry. I STILL think back to all of the things people called me. The only time I was complimented was by family. But I wonder if they’re just saying that to make you feel better. You never know. What if my mom gave birth to me and as I got older she’s thinking “what did I birth?” Or my dad thinking “we could’ve done better.” I just want to be happy for one day, without my mood dropping by the sudden remembrance of a name call. Life sucks! I’m surprised I haven’t gone crazy.

Submitted November 08, 2019 at 10:30PM by Live-2-Die https://ift.tt/34GaiuW