Nobody Cares About me

About me:

I like:

hobbies: painting, all forms of art, robotics, watching youtube, hiking, going to the movies, basically anything.

music: blue october, foo fighters, seether, korn, nine inch nails, three days grace and more.

youtube: someordinarygamers, phillip defranco, onision, and more.

videogames: pokemon, animal crossing, heavy rain, lisa the painful, undertale and more.

I am 17 living away from my parents. I work every single day and I go to school full time. I am a team captain for my robotics team. I don't have a car and the people I live with don't help me with anything (food, transportation, anything). I have been abused with my parents, CPS workers and people in my school and other adults. I have never had friends, being fat and also just parroting the things my parents said to me to other kids (so I was a bully). Whenever I did make a friend, they became the center of my life and my reason for being. This ended for a while as I made more friends and began to blend with my peers, but began to happen with my romantic partners. I have been in two long term relationships. I got over the first by jumping into my most recent relationship, which ended in October. Now I'm alone, and I'm so low. I moved out of my mom's house 8 months ago. I lost all of my close friends because of the move.

Point is, my support network does not exist.

How I'm feeling:

I feel so useless. Like a waste of space, and like I just don't want to be here anymore. I am ashamed to be alive, I am ashamed that I am not dead and that I continue to take up resources every day. All my friends left me because I am such a burden, even though I never wanted anything more than for someone to talk to me. I'm aware that I'm needy, I try to not ask for too much...and even when I ask them to tell me when I'm too much they won't. Nobody is honest with me, everybody's a liar or they've abandoned me.

My grades are failing, my boss hates me at work, I have no friends, everything is incredible effort and nothing makes me happy anymore. I wake up at 7 to get to school at 9 then I work from 5 to 12am every day. And now everybody at school just believes that I'm lazy and I don't put effort into my work. Even my teachers who know my routine think that I'm lazy and messed up.

I think about killing myself, but what would it accomplish? Nothing. I've already tried twice and still, nobody cares about me except for myself. And I feel like I only cared about not dying because dying hurt and it scared me. I know what it feels like to be close to death. I thought both times that people would care about me once I tried, and they never do. Just enough to yell at me, complain about the bills, and guilt trip and abuse me even more.

CPS and DHS never believed me about being abused. They never let me talk to them alone. I couldn't do anything to escape. I was always told not to tell them because it would ruin the family. My teachers never helped me when I told them I was abused, one of them even began to abuse me himself. I never had friends and I suffered in silence.

I asked my school councilor (I don't have money/insurance for therapy or meds), for therapy programs or how I could get meds and he wouldn't help me. He said I could figure it out myself and work it out without meds. How can I when I want to kill myself for over 8 months straight every night? Every second passing like an itch I can't scratch, or like the weight I can't put down, or the water I can't vomit from my lungs? Nobody is there and the only thing keeping me from suicide is the debt I feel for failing the people who want me to be the idea of me they have in their heads, and the disgusting hope that my ex-boyfriend will take me back.

I remember the most recent attempt. I've tried to run away twice and I've made two suicide attempts. Why didn't they believe me? I was in the hospital and they couldn't even hide me. Everyone assumes that a mother would never abuse, they couldn't keep my location hidden even when I explicitly told them that my mother was my worst abuser. I was in such primal fear and agony that I couldn't even process, there's nothing like the feeling that you are going to be killed in that moment. There was nothing rational in me, just a terrified animal. I cried so constantly that I had a headache for days on end, cried so much I couldn't physically cry anymore, cried so much I grabbed my head in pain from it. Pushed beyond my limits. Nobody cared about me, nobody would help me, CPS and DHS still didn't believe me. I showed up with cuts on my arm and I showed them to the councilor and he told me he didn't care. My friends ignored them.

With the strain of leaving my abusive mother (my father isn't in my life, he is homeless many states away), I lost all my friends. I was too much of a burden. I can't make any new friends. I only had my boyfriend when I left my mom's, and even then he yelled at me and threatened me as soon as he figured out I was in the hospital. We've broken up, for the best, but I crave him and miss him like a drug everyday. He was the only thing I had for years, and his family was too. I was a part of that family and when I lost him, it was like going through six other breakups at the same time (big family).

He was my only reason for living, the only thing I thought about.

Since my friends already left me, and now my boyfriend has, and my teachers and people at school are leaving me, I feel beyond terrible about myself.

I can't get therapy, I have no friends, I'm lost in life. I'm beyond poor, my parents are not in my life, my boyfriend left me, I am failing at school, I am a loser. Everyone hates me.

Please help me. How should I make friends/get therapy/do better?

Submitted November 11, 2019 at 09:17AM by axlain https://ift.tt/2Q21sng