COVER: \"THAT WARLOCK WILL RAISE THE DEAD!\"
(108)
“I said I am a Warlock! What did I stutter?”
“Miss Tolgolalopus, you always stutter? You stammer, you have a lisp, you have one wandering eye over there and a lazy eye over here, you have buckteeth and greasy hair, and you are uncouth, unkempt, ignorant and barefoot. You are a progressive slut and a whore, I read in the bathroom that your coochy and your hoochie both stink and you are terrible at sex. I now know firsthand that there is no depravity you will not sink to.”
“Don’t hold back on my account, you’s seem to be on a roll.” You adjust the frozen bag f vegetables under your butt for more comfort.
“Now on top of all of this you are telling me that seriously, though cognoscente of the laws of GOD you have actually made a pact with the devil?”
“And I am going to raise the dead, tonight.” You smile broad flashing your buck teeth.
“Alright, let’s get you to that library then. What is so important about the library at school? Don’t you have your own magic books?”
“I mostly use Dungeons and Dragons stuff, the old school books, very accurate.” You wink, “However the school library has the original lay out of the cemetery in town and in town there was a notorious witch who moved up her from Salem, just before the rest of them got strung up.”
“That sounds ghoulish, you are going to raise her up?”
“It is a he, yes. He is going to be my lover and my mentor and teach me all sorts of new powers.”
“Sounds like you have it all figured out.”
“It is because I am a genius.” You shrug, “The problem is a witch hunter also followed him up here and I certainly DON’T want to raise him up!”
“No… no you wouldn’t want to do that.” Mrs. Grabcrotch agrees, “Let me get you there then I will drop you off and go park.”
“You’s so nice!”
She gives you a curious look, “You realize I am posting that horse video with you on line.”
“I know right! I am going to be so famous! That is what we warlocks want! Money, POWER and FAME!”
(Go to 66)
(109)
You stare at all three possible rides, you have ridden in trucks, numerous times, you wouldn’t be caught dead in a Prius, “That leaves you’s!” you point at the biker chick in the leather shorts, “Is there a seatbelt on this thing?”
“Yeah… me, hold on tight.” The woman smiles with a wink and taking your hand and helps you over the side. Your tight dress is nylon and stretches comfortably enough for you to straddle her when she is in place.
The truck honks its horn and peels off, “FUCKING WHORES!” they shout tossing a beer out the window but it misses you. The lesbian in the Prius frowns at you and gets back in her car, “Your loss girl I could have ‘woke’ you!” blasting her noise and peels off as much as a Prius can peel off, more like hum away angrily.
You squeeze the thin woman tight and pull her close as she kicks the bike on and eases back on to the road, “I never asked you where you were going.” She shouts over her shoulder, the bikes roar and the wind making it difficult to hear without shouting.
“To the cemetery.”
“The cemetery?”
“Why?”
Do you tell her that you are a WARLOCK and that you plan to raise the dead tonight? (Go to 132)
Do you pretend you did not hear her? (Go to 127)
Do you lie? (Go to 113)
(110)
“Walking is the best sure fire way to get there!” you turn and set off, just enough off the road so that if someone stops you can run for it, but not so far as to make your passage difficult. There are gullies, ditches, fences and other obstacles that you would like to avoid if possible.
The officer’s cum dries in the wind and you are able to rub the crusties off your face and neck. You brush the cum flakes from your shoulders and climb through one of the farm fences along the road. Crossing this field will take half the remaining distance to the graveyard away but it runs 3 major risks to consider:
Few bulls were as feared as Bushwhack, called Busch by his current owner who bought the 1,900-pound charbray from the rodeo where he was so much a nasty son of a bitch that he terrified even the most seasoned riders. He has two signature moves which earned him his hellacious reputation, first he would explode out of the gate then with a sinister throw back he would launch his body up and whip his head using his skull and horns as weapons. He had broken many of the cowboy’s faces before finally being ridden after 167 bouts, then he was sold. Until he was ridden the longest a rider could stay on him was 3.3 seconds before going to the emergency room with something or many things broken.
Now to add to the mystique of his evil aura, his left horn is broken, leaving his right long and sharp, also he was born with the abnormal deformity of an extremely large floppy right ear. His eyes are large and crazed and he is very aggressive. There are warning signs posted all over the field where he is kept. If you decide to climb the fence you will actually use one of the warning signs to keep you out to get over the razor wire that keeps the crazy bull in.
If you do not cut through the field and decide to stick to the road the only danger you might get is trying to slip in front of Aunt Peppermint’s house. She is not really your aunt but she is plumb crazy just like her bull and she has red hair and freckles just like the cartoon character she is named after.
What do you do?
Keep walking on the road (Go to 115)
Cut across the field? (Go to 138)
(111)
The book cracks open about midway to the middle where your long thumb nail has divided it. You flatten the pages to review the name, “Luke” it is difficult to read but you see the date of his burial “1702” and then there is some blurred old print and handwriting referencing the: “preliminary 1692 hearings which were conducted in several towns in the colonies, among which Salem (Town), Salem Village, Ipswich, the village of Andover.”
You know the most infamous trials were conducted by the Court of Oyer and Terminer in 1692 in Salem Town, and scanning the page you see that John came from that trial. “Very good!” before you can turn the page the door swings open and you look up to see 2 Ogdensburg police officers enter the library. Miss Goon points right at you, “That is the little scamp there.”
“Miss Goon, that is rude O’ you’s!”
“You would know rude.” The officer leaning on the librarian’s desk says with a sneer as the other officer comes to your table, “Miss Tolgolalopus, would you please come with us?”
“Waah! I wanna call my mom?”
“You are over 18 Hannah we don’t have to let you do that, besides you know as well as I do that she would never answer your call, come on get up.”
“Are you’s gonna cuff me?”
“Are you gonna run?”
“I might.”
“Just get up Hannah.”
You rise to your feet and stand about eye level with their badges, “Wait you’s guys don’t have jurisdiction out here in Brier Hill!”
“It’s an un-incorporated Hamlet.”
“Yes but…”
“Don’t try to think about it Hannah you know as well as I do you are too dumb for that.”
“Move it.” The other cop shoves your shoulder and you are taken out into the hallway then down the stairs and out into the parking lot where their squad car waits.
“Don’t you’s got to tell me what I did?”
“Why don’t you tell us, if you are honest we might let you off.” They open the back door to the car.
“Well, could you’s give me a clue as to what day or time it was? Maybe who was involved, you’s know, narrow it down a little, I am a busy girl, and I tend to do a lot of shit?”
“Alright Hannah it involves you and some dogs.” The officer leans into the backseat with you and shows you some pictures on his police tablet.
“Oooh you’s got porn on your work computer, you’s in big doo doo now ha! Ha! Ha!”
“Look closer Hannah! That is you and a dog.”
“Bestiality, even more trouble.”
“You Hannah…”
The other officer gets into the driver seat and starts the squad car, “You are the one in trouble Hannah.”
“Yes Miss Tolgolalopus, in the Penal Law. Chapter 40. Of the Consolidated Laws. Part Three. Specific Offenses. Title H. Offenses against the person involving sexual conduct, restraint and intimidation. Article 130. Sex Offenses, respectfully sub article 130.20 Sexual misconduct specifically.” The officer says flatly as he closes the back door and enters the front of the car, continuing: “A person is guilty of sexual misconduct when he or she engages in sexual intercourse, oral sexual conduct or anal sexual conduct with an animal or a dead human body.”
“Yeah but you’s know animal sex stuff is only a ‘Sexual Misconduct’ and that is ONLY a class A misdemeanor!”
“Hannah, a Class “A” misdemeanor means you can be sentence to a year in jail or three years probation. In addition, you’ll be fined about $2,000 as due to these pictures it could be proved that you had intent to gain from this sexual act.”
“No shit?”
“No shit Miss Tolgolalopus, the distribution of bestial pornography is chargeable!”
“I didn’t distribute anything.”
“Really? How do we have these pictures?”
“Well? Look at the pictures, do you’s see a camera or phone in my hand?” you cross your fingers hoping there was none.
“No, I don’t” the officer shakes his head.
“See! Someone else needs to be charged for that!”
“Well who took these pictures?”
“I donno I have a lot of pictures taken of me.”
“Having sex with animals?”
“Is there a date on the picture?”
The police car pulls out of the parking lot and turns towards Canton.
“Oh brother! BUCKETS!”
“Did you have something else planned for today?”
“What are you psychic? Of course I did! This really throws a wrench in my plans too!”
“Well that is a shame!”
The sound of the unimproved road gives way to smooth pavement and the trees pass by peaceably.
“Your mom is going to really kill you over this one.”
“That’s where I luck out; you’s know my mom doesn’t care.”
“Well I wish there was something we could do Hannah, you seem like a good kid.”
“What are you stupid?”
“What was that?”
Do you say “Nothing, never mind.”? (Go to 61)
Or
Do you make an indecent proposition? (Go to 120)
(112)
“A WARLOCK does not get power and fame and glory by hard work! A warlock gets POWER and GLORY and FAME by making OTHER people do the hard work!” you tell yourself wiping some of the cum from your face. There was a curious glob which had oozed from your inside right tear duct where it had gathered from your nose and cheek and now rolled down your chin which you let go for mere curiosity. With your gait the stream lengthened and swayed to the left and to the right and you were curious if it would land on your breast or fall harmlessly away from you as you stepped. The sound of a car behind you makes you step to the side of the shoulder and you stick out your thumb to hitch a ride.
“FUCK YOU HANNAH YOU WHORE!” the male voice shouts. A horn blows just as the car passes, “OUT OF THE ROAD SKANK!”
“Just like a Baptist!” you mutter, “How do you get a Baptist to drink all your beer? Tell him where it is… how you gets him to stop, tell his congregation where he is.”
A truck comes from the other direction and blows past with a black man driving and a blond that you think could be your mother. “I hope she doesn’t recognize me!”
“SLUT!” the woman yells.
“BUCKETS!”
There is a while with no traffic and the cum had fallen to your breast and now oozes into your cleavage. Meanwhile another stream has started from your left cheek and chin but the experiment had become a bore whether it would fall on your breast or not so you stop for a second to pull your dress up over year head and wipe your face off.
There is a squeal, there is a screech and there is a horn blast, three vehicles stopped, a truck with 2 camouflage dressed bearded men, a Ford Prius, with a buzzed cut woman and a motorcycle with a blonde woman in leather shorts.
They all are offering your rides as blushing, you lower your dress and pull it down snug with a tug over your firm body.
Do you go with the 2 bearded men in their truck? (Go to 121)
Do you ride with the butch-cut lesbian in the Ford Prius? (Go to 73)
Do you go with the leather-clad bimbo? (Go to 109)
(113)
“Why what?” you ask, yelling in her ear over the roar of the motorcycle and the wind rushing past your ears, whipping your hair all over the place as you race down route 37.
“Why the cemetery what is going on there?”
“Oh my grandma died and I wanted to see her grave!” that was a partial truth, one of your grandmother’s died and you do like to see the grave, to gloat over it, taunt her and occasionally piss on the darn thing when you are feeling bold enough.
“Oh that is so sad!” she yells back over her shoulder.
“Yes.” You hold on to her tight as she shifts gears and, downshifting makes the turn on to Sand Street Road, “This was a good choice!” you tell yourself. The wind feels great, the air is refreshing and you didn’t have to use any energies walking this far, not to mention you completely avoided whatever horrors might have awaited you had you walked.
Full of yourself and your amazing sense of direction and purpose you nearly miss where you wanted her to stop and drop you off, “Oh right here pahleeze!”
“Here?” she slows the bike and kicking it in neutral costs to a stop near a shaded oak tree. “But the grave yard is up there by that spooky run down house.”
“Yes…” you climb off the bike, “But all the noise near the cemetery is not polite.”
“Oh yeah!” the blond bimbo laughs, “I guess you wouldn’t want to wake the dead, oh my did you lose your shoes back there?”
“I don’t wear shoes.” You shrug, “You’s should try it, it is a liberating boon!”
“Maybe… nice meeting you, what is your name?”
“Hannah Bamma Tolgolalopus.”
Her smile fades, “You are real?”
“In the flesh.”
“All that stuff written about you in the bathrooms?”
“Oh spot on!” you slick your hair back out of your face by licking your fingers, “I’s popular don’t you’s think?”
“Oh fucking great now I have to wash my seat!” she kick starts the bike, “Fucking whore!” and peels out kicking dust and pebbles all over you.
“Bye!” you wave, “Thanks for the ride!”
You turn your back on her, “I love making new friends… they are all means to an end!” letting lose an evil smile you stomp over to the grass and dig around beneath the oak tree for the box, the cloth, the candles and oh yes, the shovel which you had tucked up in one of the branches.
Now you will have to work your memory, If you:
Seduced the Van Guy, you can chose to have him come to help you (Go to 169)
Seduced the Principal, he can come and help you (Go to 156)
Seduced the coach, he can come and help you (Go to 168)
Seduced Mrs. Grabcrotch, she can come and help you (Go to 167)
Seduced the Janitor, he can come to help you (Go to 142)
However if you arranged to meet Silent Steve, then he will meet you with flowers thinking it is a date (Go to 144)
If you have successfully seduced all of them and enlisted Silent Steve’s help, then (Go to 148)
(114)
“What did you think I said?” you back track do to the severe look in her eye.
“You just said that you were a Warlock!”
“Who me? Ha! Ha, ha… Mrs. Grabcrotch, I always stutter! You’s must have miss understood my lisp! You’s know I got this wandering eye over here and this lazy eye over here, I got these buckteeth and greasy hair, and you’s know I be uncouth, unkempt, oh so ignorant and I am so poor that I am barefoot all the time because my feets are too big for shoes!” you shrug, “I am just a progressive slut and a whore! You’s can confirm it by reading ANY bathroom wall from Syracuse to Messena! My coochy is dank and my hoochie is loose and ready but I am terrible at sex. That is why I am always up for a ‘practice’ and now you’s know firsthand that there is not nothing I will say ‘no’ to, right?”
Mrs. Grabcrotch gives you a long sidelong glance. It unnerves you and you feel the need to demonstrate one of your WARLOCK powers to protect yourself. It is the art of FAST TALK, you basically ask nonsensical questions rapidly until the target or mark is confused, distracted, or irritated enough to leave you alone. “So Mrs. Grabcrotch, maybe you’s can tell me why do they cotton swab the guy's arm with rubbing alcohol before a lethal injection? Why do 24 hour, 7 days a week (Including holidays!) Super Markets have locks on their door? Why do Aliens abduct Humans if we are an inferior race? Why does boiling water make potatoes soft, but eggs hard? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Who makes sandwiches at a feminist rally? Do blind people feel 'Love at first sight'? Why is the meaning of life hard to find when you have a dictionary? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why do we park in a driveway and drive on the parkway? Why is the word "abbreviation" so long? Why is there no "w" in "one", but there is a "w" in "two"? How do you know when you have run out of invisible ink? Why did kamikazes wear helmets? Can you stake a vampire with an artificial heart? How long is a piece of string? Now that Microsoft is so big, should it be called Macrosoft? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? Why is it that night falls but day breaks? Why is it that only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles? Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?” (BREATH) “Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth? If you're planning on lying, do they really think you'll tell them so? Instead of wasting time hunting and cooking, why don't hunters just use flame-throwers? If your car says Dodge on the front of it, do you really need a horn? If you're a kleptomaniac, is there something you can take for it?” (BREATH)“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a bad joke? If you throw a cat out a car window is it kitty litter? Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that famous people are always born on holidays? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? Why don't they just make food stamps edible? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is a boxing ring square? If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club? If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriental?” (DOUBLE BREATH) “If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of? If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags? If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers? If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? If the product says "Do not use if seal is broken", how are you supposed to open it and use it? If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of? Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why do wise guy and wise man mean entirely different things? Why do you feet smell and your nose runs? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic? Why does a dishtowel get wet when it dries? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! Why does it take 15 minutes to cook minute rice? Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? If I save time, when do I get it back? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?” (GULP)
“Alright Miss Tolgolalopus… let’s get you back to class then.”
(Go to 66)
(115)
You look at that tree ridden and rough terrain of the field, where you know the dangerous bull is, and probably just waiting to eat another innocent victim, “Well I am no innocent victim!” you declare to the surrounding air, “I am a WARLOCK! And there ain’t no bull that is going to stand between me and my destiny… to RAISE THE DEAD TONIGHT!
You pound your chest, “I am powerful! I am feared! I am maleficent to all mankind!”
Then you turn away from the razor fence and keep walking up rout 37, “However I am also not a complete idiot! That bull would eat me alive, not to mention that crazy hermit is somewhere in there lurking and even if I get past those two things I have to worry about being stuck with Aunt Peppermint that loco red head… no I will stick to the road!”
A car whooshes past, “WHORE!”
Another one follows blowing the horn, “Hannah you’re a skank!”
You recognize that voice, that sounded a lot like your ex boyfriend Zephyr, he was a douche bag, “And You’s a douche bag!” you yell after the car.
The red sports car screeches to a halt and you consider running for the fence but you decide to wait and see.
The door opens as you approach, it was not Zephyr, it is some tall and fat native American that you do not recognize, “Did you call me a douche bag?”
“Did you’s just call me a skank?”the wind blows your hair around you like a shroud with a quick gust.
“You are Hannah right?”
“Fair enough.” You shrug, “I thought you’s was someone else.”
The large man steps towards you. What do you do?
Wait for him to come to you? (195)
Run across the road and to the field? (187)
(116)
You stare at all three possible rides, you have ridden in trucks, numerous times, you wouldn’t be caught dead in a Prius, “That leaves you’s!” you point at the biker chick in the leather shorts, “Is there a seatbelt on this thing?”
“Yeah… me, hold on tight.” The woman smiles with a wink and taking your hand and helps you over the side. Your tight dress is nylon and stretches comfortably enough for you to straddle her when she is in place.
The truck honks its horn and peels off, “FUCKING WHORES!” they shout tossing a beer out the window but it misses you. The lesbian in the Prius frowns at you and gets back in her car, “Your loss girl I could have ‘woke’ you!” blasting her noise and peels off as much as a Prius can peel off, more like hum away angrily.
You squeeze the thin woman tight and pull her close as she kicks the bike on and eases back on to the road, “I never asked you where you were going.” She shouts over her shoulder, the bikes roar and the wind making it difficult to hear without shouting.
“To the cemetery.”
“The cemetery?”
“Why?”
Do you tell her that you are a WARLOCK and that you plan to raise the dead tonight? (Go to 132)
Do you pretend you did not hear her? (Go to 137)
Do you lie? (Go to 135)
Submitted November 18, 2019 at 10:01PM by AJR-RULES https://ift.tt/2NZ8Z4M
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