I’ve been doing really good, getting back into old hobbies, making new friends, doing new things! The one thing I have to keep reminding myself of is, if he wanted to then he would.
If he wanted to talk to me, he has my number. If he wanted to see me, he knows where I live. Sometimes it’s hard, I cry and I still think of him when I wake up first thing. I don’t know if he does too, maybe not? We had a weird relationship, both of us were in bad times when we met. Thinking back on it I don’t think he was fully over any of his exes. I remember he used to take me to the shop his ex worked at and walk around with me to “show me off”. At the time I thought it was funny and kind of an ego boost, thinking I was better than what he used to have. But now I realise it was because he wanted her to see me as competition- I’m sure he would have gotten back with her at the time if she asked- that was a tough pill to swallow.
Reading through my old diary, I’d forgotten all of the times Over the past nearly two years where we fought about his exes- never mine as I never contacted them ever. I can remember sitting in his mums hallway at 2am, wondering if someone would come pick me up because he used to shut me out... if I cried he would ignore me or get angry at me. I wish someone had picked me up that night and taken me home, then maybe I wouldn’t have got a house with him, a pet, built my life around supporting his career and hoping upon anything he would be proud of me. I never felt like I made him proud, I’ve come so far in these two years, I have a job which yeah, isn’t the dream job, but it pays well. I enjoy the people I work with and I’m usually happy there.
Now I’m left with debt, a house I can’t afford to heat and sadness all around me. There are some things I know I’ll have to talk to him about in the future, he still wants his fridge and art back and god I don’t want them hun. But I need the fridge to live and I’m not fucking living in an house with empty walls on top of all of the other shit you left me with- but I won’t be here long. In the breakup I hurt him, like really hurt him. The last time I saw him all I could think was “please god get some help, get help like me and don’t end up like those men you work with who are sad as fuck and spend 12 hours a day at work and never see their families”. I was so supportive of him, proud to call him mine. He made me happy.. but through my own mental health issues I was sad. And one person can’t fix another. Since September 28th when he left, I’ve found help. I’ve found peace and what I needed to find that was to be on my own and face my issues.
One of the hardest things to realise is that you can’t expect someone to fix you, I couldn’t fix him and he couldn’t fix me. We were good together, but both too damaged to fully ever recover from our past trauma. I fucked up, and so did he. The last time we had sex, after we had already broken up, all I could think was I hope the next girl figures out what you like. I hope she knows that you hate your tummy being touched and she realised how much you love when someone kisses all over your body. I hope she knows that when you’re called handsome and you always reply with “yeah I know” you’re actually about to leave the room to smile about it or bite your nails because you don’t agree.
I still have bad days, today is one of them. Last night was even worse, all I wanted was to hear his voice. It’s silly I know, I asked him to call me. We haven’t spoken in a week. The call lasted under a minute, he told me I should get a chrome book laptop and not an expensive one and hung up. I should have seen it coming really, hearing his voice kept the sadness at bay for a few hours. Enough for me to sleep, he always had a voice that could soothe me instantly. But then I woke up and I realised, hearing my voice probably did the opposite to him. Since breakup I became obsessed, I asked my mum to take my phone and delete him. I don’t have him on social media anymore and by god that’s helped. He’s not blocked so he can contact me, but I can’t see what he’s doing and what he’s posting. That’s helped so much, knowing that if he wants to, he will. When he said he wanted to be friends he didn’t mean it, he just wanted to soften the blow.
I broke up with him, but he made it final
And if he wanted to talk, he would.
~ an open letter so I don’t message him again, he wouldn’t reply anyways.
Submitted November 17, 2019 at 03:54PM by louvio https://ift.tt/2rStcRg
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