Delete if not allowed, but I wasn't sure where else to put this. If not here then please tell me where. TL;DR at the end.
Dear Papa,
I want to start by saying that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I never hugged you one last time, I'm sorry I never said goodbye, I'm sorry I wasn't there for Nana. It makes me so sad to know that you died and I never said I love you one last time.
I still remember the fun times we had. I remember talking to Bunzy when he'd hop up and say hello. I remember the way you'd call out to Pickles when she'd tweet and jump around in her cage. Animals always really loved you. I remember the way you'd say "Hey, sweetie pie!" to me and my sisters when we came to visit. I remember when you came outside to watch us sled at Auntie's house so you grabbed a sled, got a running head start and jumped belly first onto it and zoomed down the hill, still in your PJ's and slippers. We were all laughing and screaming and cheering you on. That's my absolute favourite memory. I remember my siblings and my cousins and I walking to home depot to visit you at work and we'd say hi to your co-workers. I remember when you spilt your mac n cheese on the floor and I helped you clean it up, I remember thinking how badass you're pirate tattoo was. I remember raiding your candy drawers and playing video games in your room. I remember you taking us all on a walk to Superstore and buying us tech decks. That was the time Warren tripped when crossing the road. I remember you leaving ice cream in the med cabinet instead of the freezer and we found out by seeing it drip from the inside after it had melted. That moment still makes us laugh to this day even though it was so long ago. You also ate ice cream out of Nana's fancy crystal bowl and Nana was annoyed but found it cute and charming. You only liked weird flavours but I can only remember Neopolitan and maybe peach. I remember you coming up behind Nana, calling her beautiful and kissing her forehead. I remember Nana telling me how you'd fix the bikes for the neighbourhood children, completely free of charge. You always made people happy.
Some of my happiest childhood memories are from the apartment you and Nana had. Like when we got yelled at my that old lady for playing too loud in the halls, or when we'd go walk to the fro-yo store or go to Micheals and spend every free dollar on glowsticks, or when we'd dumpster dive or build forts or get hurt roughhousing, or when we'd play in the snowbanks and make a slide, or we'd dig around in the sandbox for hours, or when Nana would make us all breakfast in the morning. She once cut my waffle into little pieces because she was used to making breakfast for little kids. She felt so bad about it but I was so happy to have it cut for me like old times. Those were the best moments I had of growing up. I wish I could go back in time and truly appreciate those moments while I still had them.
I learned more about you after you had died. I found out you were abused by your bio family and your adoptive family, I found out you were involved in crime to help support and protect your siblings, like a vigilante hero. I found out you fell into and also beat alcoholism, and drank sprite to satisfy your cravings instead of giving in. That was the day I understood why we couldn't touch the soda in the fridge when we'd visit. I found out that you and Nana almost divorced at one point, but you stuck through it together and fell back in love. I learned that you grew the handlebar mustache because you couldn't grow a full beard, and I learned that the ghost tattoo you had was a drunken mistake even though I thought it was so cool. We still laugh at old stories about you, some dating back as to when my Dad was a kid. After learning all this about you, I grew to be so impressed and proud of you and you're accomplishments. I was so proud that I was your granddaughter. I still am. To this day you're still one of the coolest people I ever met. I get a bittersweet warm feeling when I look at old pictures of you with baby me. It's crazy how fast time goes.
Different things happened since you passed. Nana had to sell the apartment. She moved into a senior centre despite the fact that she's still in her early to mid-'60s. She moved out of there to go back home to Ontario after that. I don't see her as often anymore but I wish I did. I love talking to her. Cody graduated. Warren is graduating soon. Ava is in Jr. High already which makes me feel so frickin old. Liz graduated but has had trouble finding work. I'm 16 now. Liz is 18. Danya is 23 soon. Joe turned 14 a few days ago. We got another cat, her name is Princess. I received holy confirmation. I found out I was gay. I'm out to most people except Mom and Dad. Please don't tell them until the time is right! I found out I love nail art and I want to be a nail tech for my career. We watched the film Warhorse, it was really good. I think you would have liked it. Joe is the spitting image of you, and I laugh the same loud bark laugh that you used to.
I wish things were different though. I wish you were still here and that you and Nana still had the apartment with the sandbox and the china cabinet and the cute small kitchen. I miss the smell of that place, I miss curling up on the floor to sleep. I miss when you'd kiss my forehead to say hello. I wish you could have seen Lizzy graduate. I'm sad you aren't here to see me graduate either. I think about you a lot. I wish I could have taken you to see that play you wanted to see. I wish I could have shown you Ontario one last time before you had to go. I wish you and I could have gone to the petting zoo and the chocolate shop and the fry truck under the bridge to feed the gulls and the koi pond to feed the fish. I wish I had said goodbye to you when I had the chance. I wish I had been there more for Nana when you left, I wish I had told you how much I love you. I wish I could change so many things about the past.
I think about you a lot. Reese's cups are my favourite treat too. Sprite tastes better now that I know why you drank it. I started watching Law & Order as well. I wonder if you've met my friend Virgil? He passed away a little while after you did. He was such a great friend to me before he had to leave as well. I'm glad you're at rest now. I'll hopefully see you again one day.
Love, Hannah.
TL;DR: All the things I wish I could tell my deceased grandfather now that it's been a while since he passed.
Submitted November 20, 2019 at 09:26AM by MissJacksonismylife https://ift.tt/2KF6aUp
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