30 years old, lost most senses of emotion due to slowly aging older and older, and possibly years of using adhd and antidepressant meds, possibly from the handfuls of binge drinking I did (but was never a consistent alcoholic), the few times I did ecstasy, and copious amounts of weed, over the years. I also lost a lot of my taste and smell before I moved to a desert city in Nevada, and now I’ve been here almost 10 years.
Nothing brings me joy, even adderall doesn’t make me feel in the mood to do anything other than mess around, doesn’t actually make me enjoy doing anything. It gets me amped, but doesn’t make me feel happy or excited, just more obligated and tingly to do something. It definitely exacerbates some mild OCD tendencies in me. My own father had to take medication for his bipolar, ocd, depression, and adhd. Seemed like his biggest issue was the first 3, with his adhd just being icing on the cake.
I exercise a lot, I take a variety of workout and martial arts classes at this mma gym. I play guitar, make decent money at my job, but not enough to do the things I think I’d really want to do and enjoy the free time to do it, but I’m not overwhelmed with monthly costs of living or anything either. I’m just going through the motions. Just floating through life.
I feel like all the joys of being an innocent teenager have completely left my body and soul. I don’t feel that happiness from talking to people, or anything. I still feel myself smiling and stuff in these interactions, and I nailed a new job interview today... but everything still feels empty. I just either feel nothing, sad, tired, angry, or physically stressed and in pain. No excitement, joyful anticipation, enjoyment, no love, none of those happy joyful feelings. I think I love my girlfriend, and our dogs... but emotionally I don’t notice anything. Looking back at these moments each day, it feels automatic. I never really experience any emotions, it just feels automatic and stuff, but I passively ignore it unless I choose to focus on the fact that I am not feeling anything.
I feel like I have made great accomplishments in controlling my ADHD and being able to slow down when I read or play guitar, and control the subconscious movements of my tongue when I read or speak in my mind, to further quiet my mind. And joining that mma gym gave me a bigger boost in my physical energy and mental calmness. But... no excitement or joy is coming back. I had all the energy to goto the gym again today.... but just didn’t feel in the mood to do it. I feel no sense of any emotion to get anything done, 24/7, and it just bugs me the more I think about it.
My medical doctor prescribed me Abilify to test it out. But the side effects look like they’d fuck me up and give me permanent side effects. I’ve been on ritalin, adderall, escitalophram, sertraline, 30 day supplies of energy drinks, a well balanced vegan diet. None of it’s helping with bringing my emotions back.
I guess I also suffer from Aphantasia. I didn’t know it was rare, apparently. I thought everyone had mental blindness and only a few genius autistic savants could actually mentally visualize anything for more than a nanosecond with excellent clarity. My mental vision exists in another dimension outside my physical visual field. It’s hard to explain, but basically it feels like my mind is behind my eyes, but my mental vision lies in an area that I can only see for a nano second every few seconds, and it’s not in front of where my eyes can see. It makes memorizing things difficult, but sometimes those memory tricks of telling stories about going in to a house and checking each room with wild looking things can help. However, when I ask other people how their memories work, they can see clear videos in their minds. I can’t do that.
Has anyone gone through the same thing and gotten through it? Having a shitty brain, and gradually losing all positive emotions, and sense of taste and smell? I feel like the human in me is disappearing and being replaced with an aging robot.
I don’t want medical advice, I have insurance and doctors for that. I just want to vent, and see if anyone here can relate.
Submitted November 20, 2019 at 07:38PM by TheDogWhispererer https://ift.tt/35jtLlu
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