20, maybe 25

I just turned 17 and I'm at a very strange point. Like, I cant tell. I feel better than I've been feeling; this year I've reached some of my most lowest and most lovely points, but now I just feel almost suspended. Suspended between everything, not really numb, just kind of unsure I guess. Yesterday I wrote a scattered and half-assed will/suicide note. It doesn't feel as profound as it sounds maybe. Maybe it's just that I don't really want to die, but I sure as hell think about it enough.

So, maybe this'll work. Maybe this will make something click in me. Maybe this will end up belonging in r/vent, because I'm going to try wordbarfing into the void.

To begin, I failed my junior year of public school. Summer-schooling would've been a bitch and a half to pay for, and even if I could've paid for it, just the mere thought of doing school a day more drove me to complete breakdown. I fought tooth and nail to convince my parents to let me go into homeschooling (with success), and even now, with an opportunity to work at my own pace, I'm still not caught up. I'm still fucking failing. I've never had huge hopes to go to college but this is just fucking ridiculous. At least get a fucking diploma, ykno?

No. Probably not.

I go weeks, months sometimes, without even being able to look at my school laptop. Now it just comes down to when my school decides I'm far-gone enough to boot me out.

So, okay! Not too faithful about me succeeding in the academic slice of life. So therefore, no likely job, right? How the fuck am I going to manage that, hmm? I don't know. Art or writing doesn't seem like it'll give you much of a boost unless you're some prodigy.

Just wing it, has been the most useful and most damaging motto, and I will keep on fucking using it.

I also cut off some friends. Three close ones, plus some that kinda weren't. When I failed junior year, the following summer ate at me. I isolated myself big-time after a bit, though I guess it was more just me waiting for someone to reach out. No one did. Like even the littlest, smallest, most minuscule movement to just tip a care in my direction would have helped. I wouldn't have blamed so much on myself, and I wouldn't have dug myself into such a rut. Everyone was busy. Guess it's the new trend to hang out with your boyfriend every hour of every fucking day, huh. Guess it's normal to not just make time for a friend? Oh! I know, if I've got some weed maybe you'll consider it?

I loved my friends, you know. I was a go-to for advice, a go-to for support. I enjoyed it. Kinda wonder if I was just being used, but I also know there was something there at one point.

But I have one friend still. She's family, she's my lifeline. She's more than what a lot of people could ask for, and I love her more than I love myself. I'm starting to panic, though. I included her in my will. I wrote my goodbyes and farewells. Wanting to die is such a mess. If I live, I'll bog her down. I don't see shit getting better for me. I don't see me even working to make it better. I see me turning into a leech once I find out I can't keep a job, and I don't want her to know me in that way. And when I die, she'll despise me. It'll bog her down. But she's the strongest woman I've ever known.

I gave myself a due-date of 20, maybe 25 if there's a flare of potential. But if I can't get my act together before then, I guess it's another test that I'll be more than willing to flunk.

I've been helping my dad, too. We almost constantly butt heads, and I have a permanently iffy relationship with him, but he's sick. Cancer-sick. And my mom works a lot to keep us all going. She's strong too, but she doesn't seem to admire me as much as I admire her.

And it makes sense. I really don't think about them enough. My meltdowns, my panic attacks, my worthless fits. They're both stressed enough. They're trying to convince me to go into the Marines. No, please. It's never been for me. College? No, sorry. A part-time job? I tried, no one called me back! Do just some school? No, I'm tired, I'm sick,Idontfeelgood,Ijustwokeup,maybelater,I'vegotplansI'mpreoccupiedI'vegototherthingstodoI'msorry.

No. I'm really, really sorry.

All the fucking excuses, and whining, and all the sheer laziness and lack of motivation to do anything just fuels this toxic mindset I have. Not everyone can be a hero, is a particularly favorite excuse of mine. It's laced with just enough dramatics. It sits super well. A good excuse to not try, a good reason to become a piece of garbage.

I just haven't been able to seem to care about anything. Like, I do, I'm able to love and feel shit. Everything just has this film over it, and even with these newly prescribed glasses of mine I can't seem to really see any worth. Why is it worthwhile to stay? As long as I'm here, there's not really a reason. I wish I could just not exist in all this physical world stuff. I want to watch my friend and family grow and get better but I can't do that if I'm going to be the whining, squealing little rat that everyone trips over.

Squeak squeak no longer, r a t.

I don't know what that analogy means, don't question it.

So the only thing that I'm willing to do for myself right now is to just give me time. There might be a revelation, ykno? Maybe I'll mature a bit and discover some motivation to fucking live. Maybe I'll decide to finally not lie to my doctor, but I have to find the courage first. The whole idea of anti-depressants has always scared me. I don't want to feel numb. I'd rather feel the things I do rather than feel reliant? I don't know. Maybe that's not how it works or maybe I'll just have to accept that change. Maybe I won't do any of it, and not change, and just make a big ol time-leap to my deadline. Just wingin' it.

Jesus this is awful. Fuck. Haha I'm really tired. Dunno if I should post this because it's basically a garbage fire, and there's heckin' flaws and the worst attempts at jokes, so if you scoffed, I get it. I'm young, pretty fuckin' dumb and naive, and generally awful. Whoever reads this probably thinks I've got some mental tapeworms or something. You're probably uh correct. Like I could've gone on for years, man. There's just so much. But I think my keyboard has had enough.

Thank you, lovely and patient stranger. I'm sorry.

Submitted November 23, 2019 at 01:48PM by talentless-twat https://ift.tt/33c8YPs