Last Friday was my 30th birthday, and my husband completely bombed it and has been mad at me since. We’ve been married for three years and hit a rut. A couple times a week I’ll go out with friends and he’ll stay home and game. But when we’re home together, I’ll suggest playing a card game or going for a walk and all he wants to do is watch TV. I feel like I’m wasting my life sitting on a couch day after day. Our sex life is non-existent as well even though I regularly initiate.
He blames his issues on something that happened ten years ago. He got heavily invested in a group of friends when he was 20. His best friend and girlfriend slept together and the whole friend group sided with them, and he’s been mad since. But that was ten years ago. I do sympathize, I had an incredibly abusive relationship but when I got out I got therapy and support because I knew I didn’t want it affecting me for the rest of my life. For instance, I took him on a date night (first one in months), someone walking down the street reminded him of the ex and all he could do for the rest of the night was talk about how all his friends betrayed him.
And this happened again on my birthday. Husband is pretty bad at gifts/birthday things in general, so about a week ago when he started saying he had a big plan for my birthday I got really excited. He had me take the day off work and said it would be an all-day thing.
We head out for my surprise day, and it’s a three-hour drive. He immediately launches into an issue he has with a guy we hang out with. The last job my husband had, all the guys got together twice a month for a board game night. I thought this was great for him. After a while, some wives/girlfriends joined and the group changed. Eventually he invited me, the group eventually settled with three couples and someone’s brother. The brother is the issue.
The brother is a nice dude, super nerdy. He works at a game shop so he’s the one who brings games. When I joined the group, we found out we were both Literature majors in college so immediately started talking books. We have a large group chat, but a couple times a week the Brother will text me while he’s bored at work cause he found an article about an author we both like, or a funny webcomic. All really innocent stuff that I’ve openly shared with my husband if I think something is funny. He has never flirted, complimented or asked me to hang out outside of this group. Right now, I haven’t gotten a text from him in 3 days so it’s not like I’m at the forefront of his mind. And for the final nail in that coffin, the brother and I would be completely incompatible even if we were two single people and I don't find him attractive either.
Anyhow, my husband started saying that the Brother is favoring me during our gaming sessions because we’re friends outside the group. We’ve had this conversation a few times, and every time I’ve handed him my phone, asked what I’m doing wrong, what he wants me to do etc. Husband keeps saying he doesn’t want to police me or tell me who I can talk to, but I “should know how this makes him feel.”
Now, I’ve offered to flat out stop talking to this dude. Yes, I would be bummed out to not have a friend I can talk to when I’m bored at work, but obviously that’s less important than my marriage. But my issue is we see these people twice a month. How can I say, “Hey, you and I can’t talk anymore but I’ll see you Friday, super excited for the next game you bring!” I’ve also offered to have a chat with this dude about it and my husband says he “doesn’t need his wife to fight his battles.”
I brought that up with my husband, as I’d hate for him to lose the ONLY thing that gets him out of the house. Like, tell me what I can do to fix this without ruining this group you enjoy. Husband had no ideas.
We got to the place and it is a travelling art exhibit that I’ve wanted to see for YEARS. I am ecstatic and happy and just want to look at all the pretty things. Husband is quiet and sullen, so I start asking fun positive questions to try and get him out of his funk. I get very little conversation but still enjoy the art exhibit. It’s time to leave and we start our two-hour ride home, and he immediately launches into how it’s not fair that I made a friend in the group, that the brother likes everyone else in the group except him and how he never makes friends and all his friends betrayed him and starts talking about the ex and that whole fiasco again. Like for an HOUR he is nearly yelling about how he hasn’t had friends since this thing happened. And he’s upset with me because I should know how bad it makes him feel to watch me have fun and make friends when he isn’t?
And I just want to SCREAM, what are you bringing to the table to make people want to be friends with you? I know making friends after 30 sucks, but it’s not going to happen if you refuse to approach people and talk to them and we’re sure as hell not going to meet people sitting home on the couch.
So I just asked him what he wanted me to do and why this thing that happened ten years ago was so important that we needed to discuss it on my BIRTHDAY, and he said nothing and then pouted for the remaining hour drive home while I cried. I have all these beautiful photos from the art exhibit that honestly I’ll probably never see again because it travels, and I can’t even LOOK at them because all I remember about the day is spending an hour crying on the way home.
And now my husband is acting short and mad with me. He won’t talk or make eye contact, I even had to ask him for a kiss. He gave me a very sarcastic, “Sorry for ruining your birthday,” and hasn’t said much else. He’s pouting as if I should be the one apologizing.
I just don’t know where to go from here. I have offered ALL of these things:
• To work more so my husband can go back to school taking fun classes so he can meet people
• To help my husband find a local bowling/disc golf/fantasy football league to meet people
• To quit this gaming group all together (he stays, I go/stop talking to the brother)
• To go to therapy with him, or get him his own therapy (which I think he REALLY needs)
• I’m the bread winner so I have also offered to personally fund any hobby project he wants at no financial setback to him
- I would offer to let him quit his job and pursue something, but he was already unemployed for four months earlier this year and did nothing during that time
Every solution I come up with he turns down and has some excuse, but I can’t live my life like this with excuse after excuse about why he can't do _____ and he'll just be a lonely recluse forever and it's so unfair. He is clearly depressed and needs help but he won’t accept what I’m offering. I don't want to see him miserable, but I also don't want to BE miserable with him. I feel like our apartment is a tomb and I'm just dying in it.
What makes it worse is his mother is the same way, and he constantly gets on her case about how she isn’t dead yet and needs to go out and make friends and do something to make herself happy cause she isn’t going to find happiness sitting inside looking at the TV all day. So he KNOWS where this leads.
It's Monday and I've just felt sick to my stomach since this weekend. I just want to set it all out for him and tell him he needs to make a choice and fix this because it isn’t my problem to fix anymore. Is that too harsh? I honestly don’t know what to do.
TL;DR: My husband is depressed because he can't make friends, but keeps turning down opportunities to make friends and then gets upset with me when I am more social. He's pinning this on thinking a guy in our friend group has ulterior motives with me, but I think that is a red herring for a larger problem. I don't know how to get him to make a change and just start being happy.
EDIT: Also, if anyone can tell me HOW to bring this up again please weigh in. Do I write a letter, what do I say, any help is appreciated.
Submitted October 21, 2019 at 07:07PM by whatawonderfullearl https://ift.tt/2J9vp0m
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