Metrics: Performance Review
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Alec worked his way through the script for his call, automatically working his way through the decision tree for the customer, while his mind was busy elsewhere. His workplace was, apparently, run by people who weren’t strictly the everyday kind of people anymore. The building was kept running by inexplicably Australian Gaunts who apparently got drunk off coffee, and drank alcohol to sober up. This was the kind of weird he could cope with, as it was weird enough to be ignored. It wasn’t threatening, not really. However. He’d lost the ability to bring food with him for his midshift meals, as Eldritch had ‘adopted’ him as a food supply. Even fancy lunch boxes designed by overseas companies that deemed meal containers as a potential art form, down to intricate locking mechanisms, fell before the fact the shape-shifting rat-thing took everyday physics as more of a guideline than a hard and fast rule. The uptick there is that he was now on a first-name basis with all the staff at the outsourced kitchen in the Caffetorium, who seemed to enjoy his rare spark of vibrance in the crowd of tired, worn-out floor staffers. So far, the supervisors and management hadn’t said anything about his excursions away from his desk, nor his furry little desk ornament. They did, however, always seem to be looking Alec’s direction, any time they came into his field of view. Not in a predatory way, nor even in an otherwise hostile way. For the lack of a better comparison, it was almost… pride?
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Eventually, it came that time. The time when Alec had to put away his earbuds, tidy up his Workplace Oriented Wardrobe, and make his way across the desk-maze to his supervisor, Iain. Nice guy, all told. Legitimately seemed to care for the people under his authority, occasionally fudging Excellence points when they needed sick days, or hey were nearly to the threshold to buy something for the holiday. Iain did, however, wear the mirrored sunglasses of Management, as well as a House Brand turtleneck. This probably explained why so many of Iain’s Authorised Personalization Decorations were pictures of him snorkeling in backwater locales. He’d apparently been a Supervisor for a while, and his … quirks… had been helpful to his interests. It’s still hard to look someone in the eyes, when you’re not certain what those eyes are. Still, he was a better supervisor than you’d find in many jobs, and Alec settled into their usual call and response chatter, Iain making sure his employee wasn’t getting burnt out or plotting corporate sabotage or going to start blasting Dubstep Polka at his coworkers, and Alec did his part by assuring his boss that spending his Excellence Points on getting to use his ancient music player was keeping him happy and productive. They went on to business: completion tallies of calls, document-assessments, and the various other contracts they’d cycled through over the month. Alec got an attaboy bonus of some Excellence Points for clearing a certain number of Cultural Understanding and Leadership Tutorship ongoing refresher courses, and was politely prodded to see if he might complete more of them the next month. As the Peer-Expressed Review and Functional Objective Reinforcement Meeting was winding down, Iain pulled out a document that Alec hadn’t seen before. For all he could tell, it was a hardcopy version of the various digital Metrics Review pages he’d just gone over with his supervisor, except it appeared hand-scribed on thick, old-fashioned paper of some sort. Also, it was bordered in the sort of runes and chicken scratch markings you usually saw on especially low-rent Occult Healing storefronts.
“That brings us to the final set of metrics, Alec, and I have got to say, we in Management have been excited to see you hitting these benchmarks this month. We know that you know the main way to Management is through the Cultural Understanding and Leadership Tutorship ongoing courses, and then being relocated to one of the firm’s other locations for a spell. What most do not know, is that there is another path for folk to wind up on the track for Upper Management. Sometimes, when Management track prospects meet Elder Management, they, well. We find out they’re not a good fit. And then we have to make the best of the situation. But sometimes… Sometimes a model employee works things out for themselves. If everyone is lucky, they take it in stride, and the firm does not lose a valuable individual. Then we watch them, and try and decide if they would be able to work along with our Elder Management.” “The good news for you is that you seem to be an ideal fit. Your resilience when you discovered what’s going on behind the scenes was one of the higher-scoring we have seen, and the Gaunts have all written letters of recommendation for you, though some were a bit bleary while they did so.” Iain’s voice took a slightly mock-chiding tone here. “We know how they are, so you are not in trouble. They just have some rather delicate tasks, so we ask that you be careful when you share the stronger beverages with them, okay?” Alec, struggling to keep up, nodded. “Right! That brings us to the interview. Elder Management has a few representatives on-site, and they have scheduled a placement interview for this afternoon. This is mostly a formality, as Management as well as the Gaunts have already vouched for you. There will be an office, as well as significant benefits package for you once your promotion goes through. I hope you will be glad to hear, the least of those is that you will be moving over to a department on a separate AC line. No more of the institutional white noise, unless you opt to spend more time with the floor staff.” “...Right. Um. Yes. Do I need to bring anything?” “No need; Just follow your badge to the Management Floor Conference Room. They will be waiting.” With that, and a handshake, the performance review was over, and Alec was free to enjoy the special kind of panic that comes from being noticed by the bosses.
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The time came, and Alec rose from his desk to wind through the desks once again. Swiping his badge at the elevator, it chimed, and an empty one arrived to take him down to see the bosses. The doors closed, the doors opened… There was Gus. Which made a sort of sense, in the winding way logic took in this building. If there was a security desk, Gus Was There. This time, though, Gus was smiling, and threw Alec a wave. Sure, the smile displayed a set of teeth that looked like some shark had developed the canines of an especially large tiger, but the spirit was there. Rising, Gus gave Alec a congratulatory handshake, and a slap on the back, then pointed him down the hall to the correct conference room. Now that he was down on the Management Floor, past the Watchful Eyes of Gus, there was no backing out. Alec adjusted his badge, collar,and made sure he wasn’t trailing any toilet paper, nor sporting any novel stains from the lunch he’d poked at, then went in. The room itself was impressive; old-style wooden walls, a large wooden desk that seems to have been worked from a single slab, but still big enough to seat an entire board conference. Then there were the electronics. Projectors, screens, and terminals that slid back under the massive table were placed to be comfortably available to those that needed them. Finally, Alec’s nervous mind settled on the room’s occupants. Well-dressed, all, with their sunglasses politely set on the table in front of them. One, who seemed to be a person-shaped shadow, until Alec saw what looked like a painting of someone sharing the shape, ‘cast’ back from the shadow, inverting how light usually works. Another, with the faintest tracings of scales on their brow and cheek lines, and brilliant golden hair that floated as though in a calm water current. Two more, who stood at either end of the rest, who gave the impressions of great beauty, but were difficult to see, due to one shedding eye-watering light, and the other being shrouded in wisps of darkness that pushed the eye away. Each had nameplates, and Alec recognized all as Senior Executives, with the company for about as long as it had been around. No pressure. The one who really caught his attention, however, was sitting in the middle of the rest. No sunglasses on the table, no arcane weirdness. Just a vaguely androgynous person who looked like they spent a bit too much time working, but still had the time to pay attention to their appearance. Like the others, this one shone with health, somehow literally. But their nameplate read simply “InSource.” What followed was… odd in how typical it was. The assembled executives took turns asking Alec how he liked working for the company, what contracts he enjoyed most, least. Which projects he’d try and get running if he had the chance, how the food in the Caffetorium was was, what employee benefits or wellnes programs he’d suggest. They asked with friendly voices, paid attention to his words, and laughed genuine, if politely quiet, laughter when he included jokes. They, all in all, behaved more human than many of the managers he’d had before. When the question and answer period ended, the one in the middle laid it out to Alec: he had a choice. They were offering him a seat in Elder Management, as an Executive. He could decline. He could accept, and enjoy the benefits that had kept those in front of him going for a very long time, generally looking and feeling good while they did so. Or, he could abstain. Take the position, but not the full depth of the benefits. This last option was added as a throwaway, but something about the way it was said…
“You want someone who’s still … ‘Normal’. Don’t you? You’re worried the executives may be losing touch, so you want fresh blood, someone who hasn’t been touched by whatever you’ve done to make this all work… right?”
There was some murmuring from the far side of the table, but the one labeled simply as ‘InSource’ suddenly smiled. “Nail on the head, Mr Heron, nail on the head. Even more mundane companies risk drifting out of touch with culture as it moves on, and our uncommon environment means we risk drifting a bit further, a bit faster. That just will not do. Standing out goes against everything our initial founders sought to accomplish with me. So by keeping someone in-house who is clued in to how things are, both internally and out in the living world, we can remain acceptably average. Just another company that chases the bottom line, whose employees comfortably grumble about until they move on to bigger and better things. We need people like you who can make sure we don’t weird out the general staff too much, nor place too great a burden on them. Who can tell us when our benefits packages need to be updated, and possible suggestions on how.” Insource leaned, then flowed forward, becoming a now-familiar mobius rat, and gaining a thick New England accent. “We need people who’re willing to share cookies and cups of coffee with some of life’s little oddities.” Eldritch, the fuzzy personification of a multinational corporation, extruded a paw to shake Alec’s hand, friendship gleaming in its many eyes.
Well. Who can say no to a face like that?
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With a snort, and groan, Alec woke up at his desk. From the feel of things, he’d been burning his reserves getting this report out in time, and had paid the price for it. Tenderly touching his forehead, he confirmed: Qwertyface. At least he hadn’t accidentally hit the send button; it appeared that he’d facetyped about a page and a half of gibberish even his coworkers would have trouble deciphering. The rest of the report, however, was fine. With a silent thanks for small favors, he attached his signature, and sent the report, before wandering off to the Caffetorium. His mid-shift snack had once again been liberated. On the way out, he looked at his door’s nameplate, as he did most times he passed.
“Alec Heron Senior Subject Matter Expert Human Resources and Development”
Submitted October 31, 2019 at 07:21PM by HypotheticalShoggoth https://ift.tt/2PvVYkt
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