I want to preface this by saying I am a huge MMA fan, I remember watching UFC 1 with my Father and Uncle in the back room of my Grandparent’s house in 1993 when I was only 8. Watching Royce Gracie use his exemplary grappling skills to easily beat men much larger than him blew me away, I was not a big kid by any stretch of the imagination so seeing this small guy destroy these giants was amazing to me. I instantly begged my parents to allow me to begin training in some form of martial arts, my father was supportive but my mother was completely against it, the sport was immensely brutal with no rules and there was no money in it, no parent in their right mind would let their child get into MMA. As the 90s went on the chances of me being allowed to train disappeared completely as the sport was banned in multiple states and brandished as ‘human cockfighting’ by John McCain.
So I spent my teenage years as nothing but a spectator doing my best to keep up with every event in UFC and Pride when I could. I played the usual, generic and boring sports like football and baseball. Thankfully, I was able to sign up for wrestling in high school and I got pretty good at it, not good enough to get a scholarship but good enough to cause the best guys trouble. After I finished school, I decided not to go the route of college instead choosing to work in my Dad’s butchers while training in my free time, by the time I turned 18 MMA was becoming a more lucrative sport to be in and my mother couldn’t stop me from training. I had my first amateur fight four months later in a literal bingo hall in New Jersey, the event had an attendance of 43 and I had to pay $20 to be allowed to fight. It turned out to be a good investment on my part as I finished the fight in 45 seconds with a guillotine choke. Over the next few months, I fought four more times at an amateur level; finishing every fight, securing 3 submissions and the final fight ending tumultuously after I dropped him with a flying knee. After these wins I was offered a chance to turn pro, and I jumped at the opportunity.
All of my fights were for the creatively named Cage Fighting Extreme Punch Championships in Atlanta, I went 4-1, badly injuring my back in my second fight and subsequently injuring it worse in the next three match-ups, after visiting a doctor I was told to retire or invest in a wheelchair. After this my life began a somewhat downward spiral, I began drinking often, skipping out on work and just causing problems for everyone in my life. I know this may be hard for some people to understand but MMA was my life, all I did was go to work then go to train, this was all I knew and now it was gone. However, a chance meeting with an old training partner changed everything.
A few months after my retirement and subsequent spiral into alcoholism and self-loathing, I bumped into an old training partner, Marty Askren. Marty had started his own promotion with his friend and they were about to run some amateur events but had no luck with finding a referee. He asked me if I could help as he knew that I was well versed in every rule and being a former fighter there was a large chance the fighters would respect my authority. I had nothing to do and he offered me $500 for the night of work so I said why not. To my surprise, I loved it, more than loved it actually. I was obsessed with it, they say when one door shuts, another opens but often we are too focused on the closed door that we don’t notice the opened one, well I was now fully focused on the now opened door of refereeing. For the next six events I was the sole referee and after every event I felt a rush I hadn’t felt since I stepped into the cage for the first time. Things were going great but I was hoping for a bigger challenge, a chance to referee some serious pro fights and after the last event I was given that chance, though I wish I hadn’t.
As I left the arena I was stopped by a large, middle aged man with a smile wide enough to give Cheshire Cat a run for his money. Something about the man instantly creeped me out, he was around 50 years old with slicked back silver hair. He was tall at least 6 ft 5 but immensely slim, his limbs seemed to have a mind of their own often moving and twitching while he stayed still. He reminded me of a praying mantis in his mannerisms and overall look. His skin however was the creepiest aspect of him, it looked completely tight, as if it didn’t fit his skeleton properly. It looked as if he had lost an amazing amount of weight and his excess skin was now held back by pegs.
The praying mantis man introduced himself as Magnus Cornwall and he was the CEO of SUFC or the Strangely Unique Fighting Championships.
“Weird name” I remarked
“That’s what we are hoping, Mr. Camacho” he responded.
I had not told him my name but I didn’t think too much into that, he had most likely asked someone at the event and networking was normal. I chatted with him for some time where he informed me they had lost their usual referee for their events to ‘unfortunate circumstances’ and they were in the market for a new one. Their event would take part in Alaska. I questioned this and how I’d even afford to get there, referees didn’t make a hell of a lot. Before I’d even began to decline however, he smiled wide, offering $5,000 dollars for the event and my travel/accommodation would be covered. This was an insane offer and like anyone, thought it to be too good to be true, Magnus must have sensed my distrust in the situation, because he then handed me a briefcase with $2,000 in it.
“Consider that a deposit, on top of the agreed upon fee” he told me.
Everything rational was screaming at me to walk away, that this was not on the up and up. But my career ran through my mind, the feeling of connectivity to the MMA community, the desire to matter…
Before I knew it, I’d uttered the words “okay, let’s do it” and that was that. I was the new Head Referee for SUFC and soon I’d be on my way to the ass end of nowhere to call a fight. Once I accepted, Magnus gave me a big handshake, his hand was slimy and his skin felt even worse than it looked.
As Magnus walked off, I called out for him:
“Hey! Mr.Cornwall you never got my details.” I shouted down the empty parking lot to him.
“Oh, don’t worry. We’ll find you.” he called back while smiling, even at a distance retaining that air of uncomfortableness.
As he smiled I noticed his tongue and my skin began to itch and my mouth felt dry. It was split down the middle, a forked tongue in the head of an already disturbing man. I knew body modifications were big but there was something about a large, spindly, 50 year old man in an unfitted charcoal gray suit having a split tongue which was deeply unsettling.
A week passed and no word came from Magnus or SUFC. I felt as if I had been duped, researching was useless as no internet search I did revealed anything of this supposed organisation. There was, however, an SUFC in Arizona...but that was Sandwich Union Food Corp. Eventually, I put it to the back of my mind and I refused to touch the money in the briefcase, not even wanting to risk more than a glance at it. I was convinced it was either counterfeit or gained through nefarious means, the anxiety of holding onto such money was conflicting with my desire to get my bills paid. I was beginning to lose hope, even fielding offers from other companies until I received a package from an unknown sender with no return address. When I opened it, I saw many contents: A uniform, an ID card attached to a lanyard, a piece of chalk, a red lighter, and a letter from SUFC.
The ID card weirdly said 'this event is sponsored by Italian Goat' however it was the letter - which to be fair is more of a multi-page document - that became the driving reason I am documenting this, I don't believe the things being asked of me are legal but I also don't know what to do because if I refuse to ref, I have the sinking sensation myself or the people close to me may get hurt. I may be a fighter, but I’m not above asking for help. The document reads as follows;
Mr. Jorge Camacho,
We are delighted that you have decided to join our organization, we loved your performances on 'the little leagues' and believe the authority you show in the cage is exactly what we need. Of course, we will pay a referee of your skills quite handsomely, with every event and subsequent fine performance pushing your wage up even more. We can make a lot of money together Mr.Camacho, however discretion is imperative for our relationship to work.
SUFC is an exclusive club, fans at the event or watching at home cannot just simply start watching. Instead, they have to pay quite lucratively and must go through several vetting stages. When you leave your home to travel, you cannot tell anyone of your true intentions, simply tell them you are attending a seminar or a trial for a company like Bellator or PFL. If you tell anyone, we will know and it will lead to your swift and immediate termination.
First point of contention is your travel arrangements:
1. Your flight to Anchorage is booked for tomorrow at 3:00PM. When you land in Anchorage immediately get your bags and head to Bus Stop 4, you will take the 14X bus which will drop you off at these exact coordinates 61.764335, -157.30951454. Please have longitude and latitude up on your phone.
If you do not get off the bus at these exact coordinates then you will be unable to get off the bus and will be forced to ride it until it reaches these coordinates again, this can range from one hour to twelve years, as you can imagine this would cause serious harm to our event so please, get off when you reach the coordinates.
2. Once you get off in the town, please face away from the buildings across the road from you, gazing upon them for more than twenty seconds has exhibited...issues with those who have trouble resisting. Now we know you to be strong willed...but why risk it, eh?
3a. After four minutes and twenty-seven seconds pass, a 2005 BLACK Audi A4 will arrive and you are to quickly glance at it and walk backwards into the vehicle. If you glance at the vehicle and it is not a 2005 model then you are to declare "you can't trick me Heelkick Lad, you will not trick me or drive me mad". The vehicle will leave and you will wait another four minutes and twenty-seven seconds where you will repeat these steps if need be.
NOTE: IF YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT A 2005 AUDI A4 MODEL LOOKS LIKE, PLEASE RESEARCH AND ACQUAINT YOURSELF WITH IT.
3b. The driver of the car is named Shawn Smith but you can call him Smithy if you desire. There is not too much to worry about with Smithy, he is a tad slow but he is a brilliant driver and one of our most important assets. We only have one rule with Smithy, you must talk to him for the entire journey. This is for two reasons:
(i). He is a quite social and gets anxious if people do not talk to him.
(ii). He has extreme narcolepsy and could fall asleep at the wheel if you don't keep him alert. This may not happen but please don't roll the dice on this.
4. Please be already in your referee gear when you get to the arena and ensure your ID is worn around your neck and easy to see, walk to the front entrance and hand your shoes to the long silver-haired man that will be sitting on a four-foot stool. This is Harold, he is a friendly man who will respectfully burn your shoes and hand you back the ashes before the fight is to commence. You must take these ashes and spread them on the steps leading up to the cage, failure to do so WILL have dire consequences for either yourself or your first love.
Harold will also give you a device with numerical values on it, these numerical values correlate to failsafes set in place in case an undesirable situation occurs.
Now, your job is more than just referee, Mr.Camacho. You are more of an Event Official and will handle controlling the entire event with help from our two commentators Gale and Vito.
5a. Gale and Vito are a tandem and should only be approached when together if you see either Gale or Vito alone DO NOT approach them. If they spot you, please take the chalk which we have given you and write your name on the floor in front of you, stare at it for exactly twenty-three seconds and then turn around and walk away.
5b. When you approach Gale and Vito, please compliment them on their suits. They take great pride in their suit collection. If Gale asks you what you like to do besides refereeing, please do not tell him that you enjoy 17th Century Philosophy. If you do then I suggest you hide for the foreseeable future.
5c. Vito can only speak when prompted by Gale asking "what do you think, Vito?". If Vito speaks and you did not hear Gale prompt him then please press the numbers 1-1-9-1-2-1-2, our staff will handle the rest. Other than these small details, you will find Gale and Vito to be quite the charming duo, a modern day Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan almost!
Next up for your attention, Mr.Camacho, is the crowd.
6a. Now as I said before, the crowd are a particular bunch and should be treated as such. The arena is split into four sections named Dark, Light, Owl and Cat, respectively. The reasoning for these specific naming choices is the masks that will be worn by the individuals in these sections will relate mutually to the name of the section i.e. Avian masks in Owl, feline masks in Cat, completely white masks in Light and completely black masks in Dark.
6b. If you see a mask in the wrong section, immediately type 2-2-1-1-8-1-4 and then the section 1 = Dark, 2 = Light, 3 = Owl, 4 = Cat.
The intruders seat will be swiftly engulfed in flames and the section will be quarantined until given the okay by a member of staff.
6c. If, at any time during the contest, someone turns away from the fight, attempts to leave or in any way messed with their mask, then you must type 1-4-1-5 and they will be quickly dealt with by our security.
6d. If the match-up lasts more than nine minutes then the Owl section will begin to hoot and the light section will chant in Latin. You must allow them to finish this chant, failure to do so will reflect badly on your performance and on your first friend you met on summer vacation.
6d. Lastly, before you allow the bout to start I beg of you to please turn and face the Cat section, shout as loud as you can ‘ROW H, I DO WHAT I DO FOR YOUR PLEASURE’ then please snip a small part of your hair off and burn it with the lighter we have attached to this package, failure to do this will see the death of all four sections sat in Row H. You will agree, this would be detrimental to our business model.
I am sorry for the length of this document but this is for your safety and for the safety of our business.
Finally, Mr.Camacho, we get onto the fighters:
7a. Both fighters, Fighter One and Fighter Two will enter the cage exactly one minute between each other, if Fighter Two enters before the minute is up, simply shut the cage door until the minute is reached, if he enters after the minute you are to leave the cage, walk to the exit in the left corner by the Dark section and you are to inform Jonass, our Nordic attendant. He will handle the situation accordingly with his particular skills learned in the mountains of Valdres.
7b. You may notice that our fighters will both be wearing muzzles over their faces, this may seem odd to you but there is a simple reasoning behind this. In the past we have had fighters scream obscenities during the fight and some have even attempted occult chanting. Naturally, occult chanting would give an immensely unfair advantage to said fighter so it cannot be allowed. As for the obscenities, well...I think we can both agree that a respectable organization such as ours cannot allow such filth on our cameras. These are the reasons for the muzzles, please do not feel uncomfortable about them and know the the two fighters have fully consented to this bout and are here of their own volition.
8a. Some information on the bout itself; we do not follow the unified rules of Mixed Martial Arts. This is in part to our fights having no real rules. We allow soccer kicks to a downed opponent, biting, eye gouging, fish hooking and anything else in a fighter's arsenal. We do this because at SUFC we hope to find the best fighter. Rules hamper certain fight styles and allow defensive and sometimes boring wrestlers to take an opponent down and lay there until the fights are over for an easy win, if we allowed this our crowd and fans at home would be less than pleased and may take matters into their own hands (the Owl section have been known to sneak arcane items into our events). It is for these reasons that we also have no time limits, no rounds, and thankfully no judges. The fights will end in the cage and will be ended by the fighters. YOU ARE NOT TO END THE BOUT FOR ANYTHING.
8b. You are there to ensure the event goes by swimmingly, you are not there to intervene in the fight. The fight will be over once one opponent cannot under any circumstances continue. This would include being:
(i) Knocked out completely unconscious for more than thirty seconds (if they wake up before thirty seconds then continue the battle).
(ii)A broken back/leg/jaw/skull (a broken arm would not satisfy a stoppage)
(iii) Death.
This is the most important rule for you to follow, Mr.Camacho. We have had issues in the past with power hungry officials attempting to stop the bout, but know that we have a no nonsense approach to early stoppages and breaking this rule will see drastic measures taken against you and every person who attended your class in the seventh grade. I hope we have been clear on this and I hope you truly understand how important this is.
To continue on with our mission of exciting, true to life fights between two warriors, we again have some rules on fighter tactics.
9a. If the crowd begins to boo the fight due to defensive tactics being applied by both fighters, you will be required to press the 0 digit on the controller, this will activate the fighters shock collars and will deliver a controlled jolt to their neck and down their spine. This will barely hurt our fighters and it is only being used as a suggestion for them to up the ante. Again, if you refuse to do this, the crowd may take action. I would also like to reiterate that the fighters have consented to this and know that these steps will be taken. THEY ARE HERE THROUGH THEIR OWN CHOICES.
9b. If the battle has commenced and continued for over twenty five minutes we would ask you to type in the code 4-1-1-4-3-5. This will open up the floor in the direct center of the cage, it will reveal a pool of water that may or may not contain certain predatory fish. Again, this is to bring some excitement to this violent and fully consensual engagement. We have rarely had to use this feature, we doubt you will have to but we are required to have you tuned in on the situation to appease those involved in the keeping of our realm.
9c. If the fight somehow lasts an entire hour. you will be required to push in the digits 6-0. This will see our employee Gorg arrive in the cage with a large, club covered in nails. The fight will then be changed to a 2-on-1 engagement wherein the two former opponents will team up and fight Gorg, they themselves will be given a mace and a spear. The fighters have been made aware of this rule. THEY HAVE GIVEN THEIR FULL CONSENT AND WANT TO ENTERTAIN THE FANS.
10. Finally, once the battle has drawn itself to a close, you will be required to immediately leave the cage and towards one of the near exits. Once you reach the exit, hand the controller to the assistant guarding that door and take their shoes, put them on and leave. Your driver Shawn will be waiting at the front door, he will hand you some new clothes and the money you are owed.
You must follow all of these steps closely and complete them within five minutes. Failure to do so will have devastating consequences on your parents and six of their friends.
Shawn will drive you back to the bus station - remember to engage him in constant conversation. You should immediately take the next bus to Anchorage and take a taxi to the Banshee Bed and Breakfast where we have booked you in a room. I know this sounds like a long day and you may feel like staying in Red Devil and travelling to Anchorage the next morning but staying in Red Devil for longer than 24 hours is not recommended to anyone who may have the desire to see anywhere else on Earth.
And that Mr.Camacho is all the information you need to know for your lucrative and imperative new profession. I hope you are as excited as I am to have you join the SUFC family. I look forward to working alongside you in bringing mortal battles to appease those above us.
Always remember, strange means different, different means unique and unique means good.
Yours Truly,
Magnus Cornwall
SUFC Founder and CEO.
The letter left me shaken, nauseous and confused. Questions flew around my mind, leaving me in a state of delirium; Why did I agree to this? Why did they choose me? How are these events legal? How do I get out of this?
None of these questions needed answers as much as the last. Ultimately, the answer I concluded after racking my brain all night is that I simply cannot get out of this. I must officiate this event for my own safety and the safety of anyone who has ever been unlucky enough to cross my path. So here I am, in the taxi on the way to the airport to catch my flight to Anchorage.
I know writing this may in itself upset my employers but my hope is that they will fail to see this and if they do I will have performed well enough for them to see me as irreplaceable and imperative to their organization.
Another variable of not is that they emailed me a years membership package to their VOD service, so I could, in Magnus’ own words: “Bear witness to the strange and unique world of SUFC and see all the good work I put in.”
But there was no on-demand website or video hosting platform. No, instead there was a complex link that when I recognised the extension sent a chill down my spine and solidified my belief that whatever I was about to get into had no conceivable way out.
It was a .tor link.
Submitted October 30, 2019 at 02:05AM by midniteauth0r https://ift.tt/2BUptUV
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