I'm 20 years old and my only friend is my ex boyfriend. All my friends from high school have left me, some for valid reasons (I would blow up at them when we had a fight) some not so valid. I've been working part time as a hostess at the same restaurant for over two years, I don't serve because I have no ambition or desire to put more effort into this job, even if it means a lot more money. I go out on dates once in a while, their always a disaster. I tried to take up a new hobby in nail art and the products I spent a ton of money on were crap, and my nails are shit and can't grow very long without breaking and flaking. I've applied at so many doggy day care's, pet stores, etc. Got a few interviews, and none of them called back. I started college for the first time this September and it's going horribly. Everything is extremely confusing and none of my teachers are clear about what they want from us, so I'm having to re do projects, or figure out vital information, that I would have never thought to ask about, hrough the grapevine, coincidentally. I have a psych exam in an hour and there is absolutely no possible way I am going to pass. There is so much information that I have to basically teach myself. I thought school would be something fulfilling for me, to feel accomplished and feel as though I'm working towards something. But I just feel like crap because it's proving to be extremely difficult and I'm just taking general courses because I have no fucking clue what I want to do with my life. Because truthfully I don't want to do anything with my life. I wish I could kill myself but I know I couldn't do that to my family. I would like to travel. But it's much to expensive. I really hate myself and my life and I wish I was someone else. Some days I have panic attacks about disease and death and other days I can't wait to finally die. This all feels so worthless and meaningless. Nothing makes me happy.
Submitted October 11, 2019 at 03:35AM by adeftsobriquet https://ift.tt/2OC7BFX
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