So for all intensive purposes I'm making this post just to sort of talk about some of the stuff I've been going through, and maybe get a few answers from others. I made a post a few days ago on r/asktransgender to get a bit of advice, and to make a long story short, I might be trans and I've experienced what I think might be dysphoria. I'm still pretty confused about everything, so if this post is a mess, I'm sorry, I know, I'm kind of a mess too right now so I don't know if i can help it.
I feel like the weird thing that I'm feeling right now is just, I've felt like I'm not really a guy for a bit like, on and off, I just don't really know how to deal with it, and I'm not sure if I really am transgender. Like, a lot of the time I feel like I would rather be a girl, but saying that can feel a bit weird. I very much don't like my leg/arm/stomach hair, occasionally I wish that I had breasts, and once or twice I remember looking at my frame and just body in general and being extremely dissatisfied. I also feel like my name is kind of weird, and I have a female name that I've sort of kept to my self I guess? I really like it, and it's the name i use to think about myself most of the time now. That being said, most of the time I feel alright with my voice, and I don't really mind my penis, which has caused me some doubt as to whether I'm really trans I guess?
Like, logically I know that cis guys don't want to be more feminine. Logically, I know that cis guys probably don't look at the posts on r/asktransgender and then nearly cry when they see people who feel the same way as them being reaffirmed by people who have been through this. Logically, I know that cis guys don't question their gender ever few weeks and just brush it off. And yet when I don't feel like a girl or actively feel dysphoria I feel like "I'm faking it! I'll never be happy!" which is unpleasant to say the least. It's like this little voice that's constantly whispering into my ear, saying "Your dysphoria isn't even that bad, You're just faking it! Obviously this is just a fetish, even if you don't feel any sexual feelings while thinking about being a girl"
I have been trying to try out more feminine things however, I'm growing out my nails and hair a bit, and right now my nails look like shit and my hair makes me look like the long lost 5th member of the beatles, "Rat Boy," but I do genuinely like them better than having them short. I guess my biggest question is like, how do I try out being more feminine without people paying too much attention? I'm still in high school, which means I'm still living with my parents, and I honestly have no idea how they would react if I told them.
This brings me to sort of the final thing I want to complain about, I just really don't know who to talk to about this to be honest. My parents are fairly accepting, I think my dad might have a bit of hard time with it though. Like he's said some questionable stuff about trans people to me in the past, from "it's weird how trans people care so much about gender while we have to pretend it's not a big deal" to misgendering a friend who we just found out was trans (he wasn't there at the time, but still, huge dick move). This makes me pretty nervous to be honest, we generally get along really well, and I y'know, live with him, so it's hard for me think about this sort of thing because I don't want things to be weird between him and I. I'm also reluctant to reach out to a therapist because I think for that to happen I would have to talk to my parents, and it'll be a while before I'm living on my own
I've told one of my friends, she seemed to take it pretty well, although I never really explicitly said "I want to be a woman," more just "I'm questioning my gender." I've interacted with her since I told her and I'm happy to say things haven't been weird, she's overall just been really nice about it. I guess there's too more people who I feel sort of comfortable telling because I know that they're both transgender, but I haven't really spoken to either of them a whole lot. One was the friend I mentioned earlier, we were pretty close for a bit because we did martial arts at the same place, but then he stopped going and I haven't really spoken to him about much, to be honest I'm pretty easily spooked by social interaction and I'm afraid I'll say something stupid and cause him to not want to talk to me. The other guy is someone I've barely spoken to, and we seem to have many things in common, but it seems really weird and informal to just go up to someone and be like "Hey I might be trans plz validate me." At this point I haven't even considered talking to my guy friends just because I legitimately don't know if they'll stop being friends with me.
I think that's pretty much it, I just need to vent/talk to someone about this shit because god knows I can't keep it pent up inside me for a whole lot longer.
Submitted October 17, 2019 at 01:06AM by total-throwaway27 https://ift.tt/2Bh67cv
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