I figure most would not be interested in this, but I figured I might tell you all a story of how I got to where I am now and maybe in doing so peak some interest.
For as long as I can remember, I always knew I should of been born a girl. Many little things like being naturally passive. When role playing games I rather be the princess then the knight, Stuf like that. Anyways, I grew up in a pretty tradional family. Had a stay at home housewife/mom. My dad was clearly the head of the household. I have all brothers and they are all manly men type of guys. Cowboys, bikers, football fanatics, that type of thing. My main interest during the time was video games and still is.
It was during this time many differences and qualities between men and women started becoming obvious to me. I've always been a people watcher. Things like women seeming to not be able to make logical decisions, always thinking with emotions rather then facts. How many had so much more freedom then girls, allowed out later, and such where girls were always more controlled. Whenever we had social gatherings, I would see all the guys enjoying themselves while my mom and some of the other women spent the entire time cooking, cleaning and serving drinks and such. Sure they talked to each other while doing so and seemed to have a good time, but the guys weren't doing anything to help the party except maybe bbq.
These experiecnes and all taught me two things. One is that it was way better to be a man and two that men are naturally superior to women. So naturally, even though I had these feelings that I should of been born a girl, i made the 'logical' decision of pretending to be a guy going through life. I took up an interest in sports, tried to date hot girls, made career goals, started taking martial arts, basically tried hard to be a guy, because that had to be better fo rme right?
Well that ended up being a horrible mistake. As the years went on, the difficulty of keeping up the mascerade kept getting harder and harder and things were not going well for me. So I'll give examples. Probably the most humiliating is my attempts to be a man and enforce proper female edicate in a relationship with girls I've dated. I felt waaay to guilty to ever even request a blowjob, even though I knew thats what girls are for, I kept empathizing with them too much. I find girls attractive and sexy and know what your supposed to do sexually as a guy, but I've never had the urge. Every attempt I've done has been almost like following a textbook instructions in my head and every single girl I've been with (not that many) after a few weeks would want my testorone checked. I tried tellings girls I was with they should follow gender roles, i've tried requiring them to dress how they should and reminded them how to be respectful to men, yet every time they tested it I couldn't follow my word.
speaking of my sexual failure, almost all my interactions with men no matter how I tried, I felt girl emotions and it really does get tiring trying to suppress them. The second a guy woudl get confrontational I would try to make peace even if I knew I was right. When I play video games, if another guy is beating me badly, i start getting attracted to them. Anyways, because of my inability to stand up for myself in conflict I kept getting passed up for promotion and promotion and so on.
On top of all of that, even though I feel mistreated, even by teenage boys who think of me as a little sissy in my personality (and they have no idea how much i'm suppressing it) I'm always sooooo happy when I get any male approval or when guys are happy around me. Whenever a man says I did something well, even if it was trivial, i feel really good about myself. When I compliment a man and it seemed to make his day better, I feel better about myself. From my observations, I dont see other guys having those similar emotions.
Speaking of which, even though I tried hard to do masculine careers from military, football coach and so on. I ended up being a teacher! a generally female job and I was happier with that then with responsibilty. Still work was stressful. In video games, I play the healer role, I didn't even know till someone said so many years later that girls play that. Then with all of these things I've been doing the mental exhaustion/stress of trying to suppress some natural feminine behaviors has gotten harder.
And then there is the final nail in all of this. The one strong quality I've had through all of this, and might be evident from my writing, is that I have high intelligence. I'm usually considered one of the most intelligent people in any room I'm in and most people do respect my opinion on things that are non-emotional (yet I still never get a promoation!!!). But here is the funny thing. I'm not smart in the sense that i'm very slow in learning things. Usually the last person by a mile to figure something NEW out. My voice is a little unisex and a few times when trying to figure something out on the phone, just because I was a little slow the guy on the other end would assume i'm a girl. Whenever i've had incidences like that where something started treating me as air headed and assumed I was a girl at the same time, even though it offended me soooo much, i was soooo attracted to the guy at the same time, hehe.
So here I am now, I've finally given up on it and when I made that decision things got lighter/easier. I'm starting hormones in a few weeks, i moved to restart my life with no previous contacts. Because of my upbringin I'm looking for dominant, patriarchy type of guy to make me his girl. I know its humiliating, but I feel thats the natural order and what I should work towards. I have a lot more writings and stuff if your itnerested in more, Hope to hear form guys interested!
Submitted October 23, 2019 at 07:25AM by bimbofyme29 https://ift.tt/2o8MZu3
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