Lurker turning to poster here. I'm not 100% certain my mother would qualify as an NMom, but she has shown numerous signs during my early years. I'm going to take the plunge, toss the highlights into the sub, and see what happens. I'll be itemizing for my own clarity. Many of these date back more than 2 decades.
I also want to preface with this: My mom is keenly aware that her dad, my granddad, was a narcissist and that her mom was at the very least an enabler. She is, far as I can tell, becoming more aware of her own tendencies. She is currently attending therapy on her own recognizance. I'll admit that I made it clear I was done, and was already making financial, personal, emotional and psychological preparations to go no-contact if things didn't change, and that dad likely spoke with her about the issue.
My dad, far as i can tell, had distinct control of the narc in our house. Dad is the one who knows I used to be able to calculate how long after he left on a business trip it would take before calm-mom left and we got the full dose mom-ster. In one extremely memorable incident she locked me and her into my room during the build up to one of her full-body screaming-as-emotional-retaliation-fits, and dad kicked the damned door open to interrupt. It was after his near death from a pulmonary embolism that therapy came into the discussion.
Dad also worked out of town for weeks to months at a time. During one particularly dark year he was home a grand total of 6 weeks in 12 months, mostly in stretches of 2-5 days.
She's backed off and we are, at the very least, in an internarcissium. But that doesn't make her prior behavior fade, nor does it make me inherently willing to trust her to keep with this new behavior pattern. She still slips often, and I fully suspect she will for the rest of my life.
Common Incidents 1) "You remind me of NGranddad." This was constant. She'd talk about her dad: about how terrible his temper was, about how he held grudges, about how he was spiteful, about his self-centered behavior, about how he'd brood in his office for weeks if he felt slighted. Then I'd be compared to NGranddad. How i looked just like him when I looked over the top of my glasses frames. I'd get angry because of something she said or did and immediately I'd be told not to act like her dad. To control my temper so as to not remind her of NGranddad. I'm still not actually "allowed" to be angry so far as I can tell - I'm not supposed to respond with certain tones. I'm not allowed to be frustrated without her poking in and making a ruling whether I should calm down or not. 2) "Put that in the other room" - NMom has a known habit of not adding antecedents to sentences - simply expecting us to know what thing/place she refers to in this sentence. This statement would, almost always, be made without reference to room or item. Often at the end of a long stretch of her thinking out loud. During these processes, I had to pay attention and try to anticipate - is she talking to me or herself, is that the thing she'll inevitably reference, oh she mentioned the living room so that must be where this needs to go. When it turned out to be the OTHER thing and her sewing studio - slap. If I asked her to clarify - screaming fit, possibly combined with a slap if she's in a foul mood. 3) Sibling v Sibling - My younger brother and I are easily the closest of our 4 siblings. He was allowed to be funny and sarcastic. If i tried to crack a joke, even literally the same damned joke a day and a half later, I'd be in trouble and receive repercussions. My younger brother would largely duck into his room and let me "tank" mom. If something was assigned as "would one of you two do this?" I knew it really meant "Andivari would you do this?" If a job got assigned to my younger brother, I knew it would come back to me. Half the time I did it preemptively because I knew I'd be doing it anyways. My older sister's great, but NMom made a point of warning me she was trying to create a gap between me and my younger brother. My older brother barely talks to any of us unless circumstances obligate contact. 4) Sarcasm and Sensitivity - the entire family is sarcastic. I'm sarcastic. But if I try and have a serious discussion on anything I'm too sensitive when the response is sarcastic disregard. My dad is the primary source of sarcasm, but mom's no slouch. It was never dad saying I was being too sensitive by asking for non-sarcastic interaction on occasion, always mom. 5) Mamalogue - as alluded in 2 above - NMom doesn't necessarily want your feedback or opinion. She wants you to listen while she monologues. And just to make it more fun, she'll play "gotcha" and move from monologue to dialogue so rapidly that everyone who knows her gets lost in the confusion. 6) Projection - NMom doesn't know how to compartmentalize. At all. I had to learn early how to make calculations like "if I wait half an hour to bring her this permission slip, will she have calmed down enough to not immediately snap at me for interrupting her? Will that qualify as 'waiting this late'? If something happens and I need to delay again, will that second delay be 'this late'?" If she saw something on television it would ramp her back up and I'd have to recalculate. The worst was the times I knew that I'd miscalculated and was gonna have to go disarm this bomb of a permission slip now, or I'd be screwed even worse later when it would definitely be "too late". While I'll freely admit that I have a temper, I don't blow up at people unless shoved. I internalize and I brood. It's partially as a reaction to her projecting her own poor control of her temper onto me. 7) "You've such an eye for color." This one almost feels petty but I made a clear preference known here. My mother is a quilter. She makes quilts for people. They're pretty and colorful, and NMom insisted from when I was in elementary school that I be available on demand. If she called I needed to break away from what I was doing and come help. Well and good, except in this case I wasn't helping with chores -I was an asset for her to use in her creative process. She'd grab fabrics and drop them in different orders. If I said I didn't know or wasn't sure what she meant I'd suffer her wrath and then, maybe, she'd explain. Otherwise I'd have to work up the guts to ask again at another opportunity, or have the guts to dig in my heels and make her explain - which always meant she was a PITA for the rest of the day as retribution. I made it clear early on, and repeatedly, that I didn't want to do this. I've got a working memory disorder and I'm a writer - have been since I was 13. Every time she'd do this, she'd destroy my writing and creative process in order to bolster her own art and creativity. I tried to explain this to her multiple times, but all through HS she would derail my homework, creative work, or downtime because "you have such an eye for color." 8) In Home CNA - My NMom damaged both her knees as a teenager during an ice skating accident. She was on multiple pain meds and had a couple spinal surgeries. Those surgeries I had no problem helping with her recovery. But for years before, and after, I was mom's health aide and bodyman. Not enough ice in your water? Call Andivari, he's not doing anything anywaus. Need your pain meds? Call Andivari, he knows precisely what they all look like by this point so he can deal with it. Need more pillows from your room brought to your armchair? Call Andivari - he figured out how to put them where I like them. Need help finding literally anything? Call Andivari! And it was never one task. It was one call that started an hour of tasks. After which I'd be permitted to go try and salvage what I could of my thought process on homework, originally inspired state on a piece of writing, or try and resettle into downtime while knowing she's aware of my existence in a way that increases the chances she'll call again. 9) Micromanagement/Nah-tonomy - Anytime I had to try and make a judgement call, I learned quick to just call NMom. Cause otherwise she'd call me back out, shout at me for "doing it wrong" and then stand over me and ensure it was fixed to her standards. Explanations wouldn't be given most of the time. If I couldn't figure it out within 30 sec-1 minute she'd assert micromanagement privileges and take over. I wasn't permitted to go anywhere if she decided she was gonna do it herself, but remain on station for the off chance she needed something. I'd normally take this as her trying to show me how. Except for her lack of explanations, lack of showing how anything was done, and her pointed anger with every motion screaming "how could you not know this?" This is also where I'll note her regular tendency to make commitments for me, usually involving other members of the family, and then ask if I can actually do it. If I have the audacity to say no then my reasoning will be dragged out for analysis by both NMom and whichever family member she volunteered me to. If I still can't or won't, I'd best be prepared to hear about why I'm wrong for the rest of the day, minimum. 10) Interruption - I can be right in the middle of a sentence and my mother will take exception to the middle of my sentence overlapping with the beginning of hers. If I'm establishing a cause-effect, for example, I can always count on my NMom to cut me off and state the effect. Sometimes she's right. More often she's mind reading. And always she's pissed when she gets called out. Her response is "this is conversation" yet I seem to recall it being a big fucking deal to wait for the other person to stop talking before you jump in.
Common Repercussions 1) Screaming Fit - By far the most common repercussion. To this day an extremely angry woman is my biggest Achilles Heel and the thing most likely to make me either shut down and start shaking as I try to process what the hell's happening and what's the best option to handle it. These aren't standard "speak loud and sharp" shouting or lecturing moments. These are full bodies screaming fits. Ones that require a bit of braced footing because you're gonna engage your glutes to scream properly. Ones that turn your face red and purple. Ones where every. damned. word. can be heard from across the house. Ones that aim at your character and interests, at your motivations and your concerns. Ones that always come with apologies but never with preventions and thus always come again. 2) Soap in the mouth - for cursing or mouthing off/back to her. One time it was liquid soap because that's what she had to hand at this store we were in. 3) Public tear downs - when I was younger, my mother would flip her shit on me in public. The logic was "if you're gonna talk back in public, I'm going to deal with it in public." This could be just her in my face, finger extended so the nail is just shy of contact and screaming in that peculiar way that turns the face all sorts of interesting colors as you keep volume at conversation and the fury at life-or-death. It could also just be a public spanking. 4) Belt - If we were at home sometimes she'd tell me to go to my room and wait for her. That always meant wait face down on the bed, because NMom was coming with the belt. Not right away though. It could be five minutes. It could be half an hour. But sooner or later she'd come and I'd get the belt. 5) Open Palmed Cross - in other words, the slap. I still feel it on my right cheek where she would hit. Especially when I suspect there's something productive/helpful/problem easing I could be doing for someone else, rather than working on my own creative projects or taking a chance to actually relax. 6) Simmering Anger - for me this one's the worst. I can never tell how many incidents she's sitting on. How many irritations and problems and other things I'm risking having blow up all over me. As an example, I sure as shit had nothing to do with the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal. I was in middle school. Yet I sure as fuck got shouted at for needing to talk to mom about something that happened to me at school AND the particulars of the Lewinsky scandal.
Again, and to close with the current scenario: NMom is currently seeking therapy of her own recognizance. NGranddad died years ago, alone in a house no one wanted to visit because of how unpleasant he could be. Nearly losing her "hanfler" when my dad suffered a pulmonary embolism may have gotten through to her. I'm working on therapy but I've got a millenial's financial security right now. To my shock NMom has offered to pay for a therapist, but it's the same one she attends. Frankly, I don't trust NMom enough to attend the same therapist. Especially not when she's footing the bill. Smells too much like either info gathering or leverage for later.
Submitted September 04, 2019 at 08:35PM by Andivari https://ift.tt/34pDdnR
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