That fight on September 7th still haunts me. It started with us going shopping. I was tired and getting cranky because of the crowd. I made a comment to her about how I was starting to feel drained due to all the people and commotion. Later I made a comment about how I was a little upset the store didn’t have some things I wanted (which her and I complain to each other about from time to time).
The nail in the coffin, however, was when we were at the self-checkout.
[Note: We’ve shared our money for about 16 years now and always put our money together. Earlier this year I got a job because I wanted some money of my own; money I could spend how I want without having to consult her on it. I give her half of every paycheck I get so I’m still sharing with her in my own way. I’d also like to mention that back when she was in such a bad financial spot after her divorce, I got a job and worked from age 16 until I was 21. She would cash her checks and use that for food and gas. My checks went into a bank account we both shared. All of my money was used purely for her car insurance, car repairs, and whatever extra expenses we had. Not to mention, during the divorce time I gave up my college fund to her to use for us.]
She often has me carry our shopping money. That day she had it. But I had change from our last trip as well as my own $120 I worked for in my wallet since she insists I hold onto some cash in case I want to buy something. So she asks if I had a 20 dollar bill. I knew she was asking about the change and I was just about to say I didn’t when I remembered I had my own cash on me. So I figured if she wanted a 20, she could use mine. So I told her, “Well I have MY 20” as I pulled it out and handed it to her. That’s all it took and she flew off the handle on me.
I was accused of having a tone, but if I did it had nothing to do with the 20. I tried to tell her I wouldn’t even have suggested it to her if I had a problem with it. I did convince her to use the 20 and never even asked her to pay me back. But she just starts ranting on about how she’s spent HER money on me this whole time buying food and such and that I could at least put some money towards the food myself without complaining. But she also states how she didn’t even ask to use the money I had anyway. I tried to remain as calm as possible and explain things to her but she wouldn’t listen. I tried to tell her that she wasn’t even caring to hear about how I truly felt and was only focusing on what she THOUGHT I meant. But I just couldn’t get through to her.
After we got home, she spent the next 9 hours… yes, 9 hours straight… yelling at me. She kept bringing up various things that had nothing to do with the incident at the store that morning. Just… everything that she could think of that I’ve done wrong or said wrong and whatever else she thought was worth confronting me on; from the time I sneaked out of the house when I was 3 to early this month when I casually shared that I felt a little insecure about my nose. A few times I tried to defend myself but it was no use. I asked why she was criticizing me so much but she said that all this wasn’t her criticizing me. She seemed to feel that I never considered how she felt and made a point that she's taken care of me this whole time; that she could've left me behind like she did her other two kids or aborted me.
To make matters worse, she’s been drinking this year and of course during this whole thing she kept drinking more and more. She even decided to confront me about how she knew about my feelings for my friend (let’s call him Aaron) and how she's sure I’m typing things to Aaron when we talk on Skype that I don’t want her to hear me say like “I love you”. I type a lot of things to him because we’re both sillies that like to make crazy puns and those don’t always translate the best when said. However, she’s right that I do type sweeter things to him and tell him I love him, but I’m not trying to be sneaky. First: I don’t have any privacy since we’re in a hotel room so maybe I don’t want her overhearing everything; I have that right (something else she tends to take offense to, me wanting privacy and time to myself). Second: If anything, I knew she would figure it out and I wanted her to because I want her to know. I just don’t want to talk to her about it because I feel scared. She’s proven time and again that I can’t confide in her about some things. And I have a feeling she wouldn’t approve of it. This conversation proved my fears were true. She said she hoped I’d get effed by him, get pregnant, and my kid would treat me like I treat her. She said a few other things involving him and me that I’d rather not repeat. She even threatened that when she got a new truck, she’d dump me on his doorstep and he could deal with me instead of her. She also claimed that I talk to him nicer than I do her, despite the fact that him and I have had our own relationship troubles as well - it's just, him and I know how to actually talk things out like civilized human beings.
Lastly, she told me that if I didn’t shape up she’d kick me out; that from here on out she was the boss and I had to listen to her and if I didn’t want to, then I should pack my bags and leave. That she would get the cops to take me out if she had to.
She’s never said anything like that to me before. She’s never treated me like this before. Quite the contrary, she doesn’t even want me going out of state to visit friends and always brags about how I’m still with her to this day and have never left. She often will bring up about how when I was 12 I told her I’d never leave her. For a while she tried to keep me from getting a job and says she feels guilty that I had to work when I was younger. When I pushed for a job this year, she threw a fit. I mentioned wanting to work at a pizza place nearby and she yelled at me saying she wouldn’t drive me. The place is a 10-15 minute walk away. That’s why I picked it and I tried to tell her that, but she wouldn't listen and claimed that I "expected her to drive me" which was entirely false. Of course, a few months later she was driving an acquaintance to and from work. I half-jokingly commented on how the woman should appreciate it, considering my own mom refused to drive me. She seemed a bit taken aback and said she would take me. That she just didn’t want me working THERE. Maybe say what you mean? But it’s a bit too late for that, because at the time I wanted work the only job she would kind of accept me having was front desk at the hotel we’re staying at. So now I work about 4-7 days a month, 9 hour shifts each day. I do plan on trying to get another job, within walking distance of course. I refuse to let her drive me, even if she'd accept gas money.
Even right now, she just started yelling at me again. Just because I didn't want to go out tonight with her and her friend to the store; I wanted to stay and talk to my friend. Because that's a thing I do every night. And her friend is sick so it's not a fun shopping trip; just for some stuff. And she claims he means more to me than she does. That I choose him over her all the time. Am I? I don't know. I don't think I am. I must be the worst person in the world. She also just slapped me twice. I just don't anymore... I held back crying because she told me to stop. I've been trying to be good to her since the 7th but I just... screwed up again somehow? She's also mad I didn't say I wanted to go see a Arts Festival with her. She brought it up but didn't say she was interested. Just asked if I was.
I can't take anymore. I guess I'm too weak. I'm a failure. I'm trying to do right and mend my ways, but I seem to still be failing. She thinks I'm lying and being manipulative. I'm not really afraid of being kicked out, oddly enough. I even started mentally making plans on where I would go if she did.
Is there anything I can do? Any way I can get through to someone who seems unreachable and unmovable? Is there something I can do to make things right and healthy? I want to salvage this. I love her and she's the only family I have.
Thank you and sorry for the long read.
Submitted September 27, 2019 at 06:49AM by Asunderstorm https://ift.tt/2mab0Qw
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