So as the title says, I've been with my SO for quite a while. We've been dating 5 years, living together for 3, and things are generally going very well. We just got back from a 2 week holiday in Europe with our shared group of friends, we share a lot of common interests, and have very similar, very laid back personalities. For the most part we don't often argue, spat, or find anything to nag the other about. We mesh amazingly well. He has lots of female friends and my one of my longest time friends is both male AND my ex. Jealousy has never been an issue in our relationship which is why this event is so surprising.
For the majority of our relationship up until a little over a year ago, outside of my one close (male) friend, my SO and I essentially had the same friends. He was a part of them first, I met them, then met my SO through them. We all remain close to this day. However, for the most part I didn't have many of my own external friends because I was working in an industry full of shitty people that was only a means to an end for me. Now I'm beginning to find success in my dream career and making lots of like-minded friends along the way. My industry is in the arts and attracts all kinds of colorful people, but primarily women and members of the LGBTQ community.
I met my closest female friend through work, and although we don't work for the same company anymore, we still make efforts to see each other about once a week. Often others will be invited, mostly from our industry network, and we'll sometimes do nail/spa days, lunch, dinners, etc. Lately we've been favoring gathering at M's house after dinner, sharing a bottle of red wine, passing around a joint, and talking about whatever comes up. It's very stream of consciousness, and with a group of artists, actors, writers, and physicists - our conversations get very interesting. It's honestly a ton of fun. We collaborate, challenge, and inspire one another, maybe also have some snacks, then usually pack up and head out before midnight. It's far, far from a wild party.
This past hangout was at M's house (as usual, which I love because we live within minutes of each other), and in attendance was supposed to be her male roommate A, our mutual female friend J, myself, and another mutual female friend K. K dropped out last minute because of family issues, and for the first part of the evening it was just Me, M, J, and A. Halfway through the night 2 more guys showed up, R and Z. R and M are close friends and J and Myself had never met R before. Z was R's friend and was introduced to everyone for the first time, including M and A, the two hosts. I hope this all makes sense.
Anyway, the evening went amazingly, M and Z hit it off really well and had amazing chemistry the whole night, the 2 latecomers left about 2 hours later, J and Myself stayed behind to chat a little longer, then we both left together. I got home at 11:40 pm, and my SO was already asleep as usual. I read a book on the couch until 12:30 am, then went to bed. The next morning I had to wake up super early to drive into the city for a work training workshop and I mentioned to my SO via text that I think my close friend fell in love at first sight last night. We usually banter over message so this isn't unusual. The conversation is as follows:
Him: "Was it a party?"
Me: "No just a small gathering, M's other two friends came over after I got there"
Him: "So 3 girls and 3 guys? That's a little weird isn't it?"
At first I was a little confused at what he was implying because jealousy has been so far from an issue for us in the past that I was seriously puzzled for a few minutes. Then it clicked for me, I offered an explanation about why K wasn't there, how I didn't know R and Z would be coming, etc. I don't know why I felt like I had to justify myself but I did. Then I offered to invite him to the next gathering. He said while he "completely trusted me, it just seems weird", he also said he would like that as long as it wasn't on a weekday because while he works a regular 9-5 job, my field is a lot more flexible. Most of us work on a contract/freelance basis and set our own hours.
Lo and behold we're getting together again on Tuesday and I was going to mention it to my SO as a means of inviting him, but then it occurred to me, I want him to decline the invitation. Not because I don't want him to come, not because I am hiding anything, not because I don't want him to know more of my friends (he has met M and J before), but simply because I have invited him before many times and he has turned me down. He's also come along a few times and was very clearly not having fun and we ended up leaving early. I feel like I can't fully relax and have fun around my friends because he and I came together and I feel responsible for making sure he is having fun or being that bridge between him and my friends. Does this make sense?
My SO is an engineer, has a very mathematical, logical mindset, and sometimes has trouble relating to more artsy concepts or ideas. Like I said, he and I share a lot of interests making us compatible, but I also have lots of interests that talking to him and our mutual friends can't fulfill - history, art, philosophy, film - and that's okay.
I wouldn't mind bringing my SO to a group activity where we're all out and about doing something together (like a festival or concert or something) so that he can get to know them slowly, rather than inviting him along to somewhere where I know for certain he won't have fun, if only to cool his sudden spike of jealousy. How do I navigate this without feeling obligated to bring him along to the next meet up & chat? While M and Z are getting to know each other and beginning to explore seeing each other, the rest of us are in long term relationships.
Submitted September 06, 2019 at 05:34PM by emeraldenvy123 https://ift.tt/2ZUcHUh
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