So I broke up with my 4 year gf just when things started to move along for us.
We had a very special (as all are) relationship in the sense that we were very different (she an artist but very grounded, moreso than me, I somewhat of a bookworm and art enthusiast). She always saw things I did not and even with all my (presumed) intellectual prowess, she always nailed things closer than me. Communication was a strong point; phyisicality was great but somehow in a non-exteriorized fashion; it challenged my pornographic views and made me.. I dunno.. engage more? With the cost of my fantasies.
In any case, things got a little rough for here from both career and family standpoints. I'm younger with two years than her (I'm 28) and am able and willing to travel a lot and do stuff. Her schedule is a mess but I keep telling myself that I could have somehow done more to adapt to her. We never moved together out of my fear of committing long term.
So I really need some other people's advice on this; I strongly believe she was in a way a better human being that me and instead of alleviating her suffering I judged here often. I know she would not want to have been idealized how I probably did, but I am haunted by this strong feeling that while I renounced many facets of my youth for her (ignored all other girls, shut myself in books and games and loneliness when she was frequently away, etc) I now feel that I have lost the thing for which I sacrificed them almost completely: love. I truly loved her, but am unable to look back and discern what was pity out of love.
We had this strong way of emotionally nurturing ourselves, but in the end I felt like this was almost childlike. So I ran, from her problems, from her warmth despite her problems; if she had 1 hour to give out of 40 she gave it whole-heartily; while for me every hour was somehow a price to pay sometimes. I feel like a coward
Submitted September 25, 2019 at 12:26PM by throwa112033939 https://ift.tt/2lBe9IR
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