trigger warning, please do not read if you are sensitive to foul language and the topic of suicide attempts, or other related things. this is a rant.
misophonia - the source of my declining mental health. the trigger for my OCD and worsening tourette's.
It goes away when I'm at work or with friends. I WONDER WHY. I am literally EXCITED to go to work but I can't even SLEEP because you sleep for 4 hours a day and run on 3 pots of coffee just to yell at the TV all night and stomp around for 2 hours in the morning, not before you sit there and watch your bible education on FULL BLAST in the living room.
Your incessant stomping, SLAMMING things, the BOTH of you, mother and step father. My father is just as bad, and I don't even live with him anymore because my step mom was ALSO an nmom.
ALL 4 OF MY PARENTS are NARCISSISTS. I can't even take it! They've ALL kicked me out over bullshit instead of being parents, when I was 17 YEARS OLD. I got caught smoking weed so they kicked me the fuck out. Nope! None of that in our bible temple!
Dad kicked me out because my step mom started laying into me calling me a "stupid child" and all sorts of crap when I told them I was going to move 2 states away with my best friend to learn HVAC. I talked back to her the ONE TIME I have ever talked back, and I said, "Fuck you" and that's it. Their YELLING ruined my relationship with my younger siblings. They told them all I was the one who was yelling at them, calling them names, insulting them, but I just kept saying I didn't want to be yelled at and please leave me alone. They ruined my opportunity to pick up a good trade because when the job called, they kept screaming, "YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET AWAY FROM HERE THAT EASY, BOY!" and CRAZY shit like that. As if my boss would respect me as a hard working adult after hearing that shit on the phone. Not like he wants to pick up a kid and adopt another son! Well, guess what?! I DONT WANT TO BE ADOPTED BY MY BOSS. But now he thinks that! Regardless that was, what, more than 6 years ago?
Misophonia - A certain type of disorder in which sounds can trigger emotional and physical reactions.
I lived on the street for 3 fucking years. I came back to have a mental episode and attempt suicide
And I was yelled at the whole time, for 3 months, while I was losing my mind. You wonder why I'm losing my fucking grasp over my tics, my anxiety, I can't breathe, I don't feel motivated to make art or finish any chores. I am EXCITED to go to work to get AWAY from my MISOPHONIA. And if I say something to you, it's dismissed. Because you're an nmom. A narcissistic mom. And you refuse to believe you're wrong. You tell me, "Maybe you just hear things louder because your brain doesn't filter it." Exactly right. You hit the nail on the head. But that's not an excuse to force me to deal with it.
I never had asperger's, the doctors deemed me "normal "3 time when you kept taking me to them to "just make sure" because "god told you so", so stop trying to dismiss my ACTUAL disorders by indirectly linking it with autism. NOT COOL.
But thanks for hopping me up on 8 different pills to counteract each other's side effects for the first 14 years of my life, and then putting me on a DISGUSTING nutritional shake and forcing me to drink it, chunks and all, telling me if I puked it up I'd be forced to drink another one. Oh and that one time you forced me to drink it with a ton of chunks of half rotten canteloupe mixed in. Yeah, fuck you for that one. I still hate that fruit.
Yeah, and thanks for (after living on my own now, twice, losing my job because of my anxiety and narcissistic managers lording over me and touching my shoulders, telling me it was necessary for the job to be insanely obnoxious, calling me a stupid teenager at the age of 23 years old, etc. and moving back in with you) keeping me AWAKE with your incessant screaming. And telling me it's just (the secret meaning, remember that one! the autism!) because I have "unfiltered selective hearing issues". Fuck you. I'm so god damned done.
Regardless of me having to ask you respectfully, adult to adult, as someone who tries to pay for my own bills on my own and is struggling to keep my sanity together to save the money to move the fuck out... a total lack and regard for what I have asked many times I lose sleep. I lose sanity. I avoid everyone. I can't take this. Medicine won't help. I just need to move out. And in with people who will respect that I don't want to hear your slamming, your disrespectful tones. I won't be tempted to overspend and run away from the fucking house I live in just to get a breath of fresh air from my MISOPHONIA.
Maybe I literally WILL go to a homeless shelter. I'll even trade my computer for a laptop, and move out. Or maybe I'll just buy one and keep my computer here. Yeah, you're good in some ways. You won't sell my shit, and you won't keep me starving. But you're still fucking terrible. And I'm tired of it. I'm extremely tired of being degraded, telling me that "I can do it" with this undertone of, "but you have to accept jesus first" or "you have to do it my way". I'm tired of you slamming doors and being loud as shit all the time, acting like my fucking TICS are obnoxious to you? What the fuck, mom? I CAN'T CONTROL IT! Stop telling me, "You need to figure something out", you ruthless bitch. You're making it worse and I've told you a thousand fucking times you're making it worse. I swear to god I am so close to actually packing up and moving to a homeless shelter. I've done it before, when I was on my own and you kicked me out of your house because it was "god's plan". I slept in alleyways and got stalked by people who I'm almost 100% sure were serial killers because NOTHING SEEMED WORTH IT. Everything just seems mundane, the way you make it seem.
And telling me you're excited to die. Jesus fucking christ. After being raised by you, and your husband who literally threw me, hit me, called me annoying and a liar, and your constant stealing of my personal items, I am just fucking DONE. Afer my biological father tried to shoot me while he was drunk, and I had to take the gun from him, only with the implication that I KNEW he was going to commit suicide afterwards, telling him, "Life is too good for this. You want us both to live." or whatever the fuck I told him. Seeing him cheat on his wife and leave my sisters and brother for none. You can't even manage to treat me like a human being. I am so sick of it.
I am tired of staying up for 30 hours at a time because I can't sleep, you know, since you're so loud. I wish I had friends, but I don't. I really don't. Or I would go live with them. Yeah, remember that time I did that and you plotted with them to kick me out? Remember? And then you came to me at their house and told me I wasn't welcome, and you all revealed your glorious plan? Fuck you.
I don't even know where the fuck to turn anymore. thanks for listening, strangers. I'm going to drop my next 3 paychecks on shady rent in the ghetto
Submitted September 09, 2019 at 04:23PM by wulfcamp https://ift.tt/2ZSRvxH
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