Close to ending myself

I can't take the pressure anymore. In South Asia if you don't get into a public university you're considered a burden to you family especially a middle class one.My depression started in 9th grade when i was failing in almost all subjects and i barely made it to 10th grade. After nearly destroying myself i got overall A+ in all subjects in the national exam (scored 1163 out of 1300).Then i get myself admitted to a high school(high school is 11th and 12th grade in South Asia).There's this one high school in my country where you have to sit for an exam in order to get admitted.Its considered the best one in the country and i didn't get in.Few of my friends got in including my best friend. I was happy for them until my parents made me feel guilty and ashamed about not getting.Ironically i got into the 2nd best in the country.It wasn't that tough other than fitting in.Depression hit when the nationals were closing in which is fairly common. I got A+ overall again (scored 1119 out of 1300).This time i felt relieved but not happy.My parents were so tensed about it that they considered killing themselves if i didn't get A+ because they couldn't show their faces to other people.

Now the university entrance exams are happening.Almost every student in the country wants to get into a public one because the cost is very low and the quality is good. So i'm destroying my mental health in order to get into one.My parents say they wouldn't care if i don't get into a public one but i can already sense that they'll die a little inside.So far 6 exams have happened.And i got into one of them for the arts department but my parents won't let me get admitted there because they think an art degree isn't worth anything. They want me to be an engineer or anything science related so that i can make enough fucking money and take care of them.Truth is i want to study arts preferably music. I play guitar very well i guess but my parents don't believe a guitarist can take care of them.I want to explore the world.The odds of me getting into a public unversity is literally 1 in 800. That's how much students are applying for a single seat.Yesterday i gave an exam in an engineering university.They take 550 students but most of them go to other better ones since this one is normally very far away from cities. They released a merit list of 3500 students today.My position was 3265 so there's no chance of getting in. I'm probably the lowest in the list because most of my friends are in higher positions. When my parents came to know about it they sounded really sad and i don't blame them.I didn't give a good exam and i fucking deserve this.But believe me i try to study.I just can't.I detoxed from social media but i still can't study properly.There are few more exams left in different universities.If i don't get in i'm done.I can't get into a private one because that would mean my dad selling our car and he said a part of him would die.And my mother is emotional but hides it very well so i guess she'll feel the same.Plus if my friends get in but I don't then that's nail on my coffin.My parents would destroy me.They will not accept that my best friend who is the son of a PhD holder and a physics teacher got into a public engineering university but not me.They still have little to no faith in me and honestly I just don't have faith in myself.I am frustrated.My body is so weak now.I can't sleep and i'm losing my hair because of this.I believe i'm the kind of person that doesn't give up but i'm close to giving up.I don't want to be mocked because i'm not smart and intelligent.I just don't know what to do.I'm fucking lost.

Thank you if you read this.

Submitted September 29, 2019 at 12:48PM by SammyBoy1999 https://ift.tt/2okFi3P