why are you so blue

hello, im new here and to reddit too,i just typed mental health and this was the first to show in the results. Im still kinda nervous and undecided how am i going to express this shit that i dont understand inside me but here we go... I tried reaching out to my friends, family and even to my partner, but i live in a family who believes that nothing could go wrong if u have a place to stay, clothes to wear, food to eat and university to attend, and if u still have problem with your life then you're just one ungrateful shit... and Im starting to think that maybe im an ungrateful one, It's really hard specially when deep down inside i know how much im grateful of everything that i have, the means to survive in this world, but i dont understand what the hell is wrong with me, Ive been fighting this since 2nd year HS and when i told my mom she just told me that its in just my head, i thought she was right, so i kept my self busy, joining every org, spending lots of time with friends and i must say yes it was a good experience but the feeling never go away it was always there, hiding in the shadows and taking over me when im alone. My hands would shake uncontrollably when it caught me, most times i would have to pinch my self or bury my nails in my palms so it would stop, for years i thought it would work just as long as i have ways to get rid of it when it comes to me... but those ways aren't working anymore and im in my 4th year college now.

It started to not work when i was in my 1st year college, my mom said i should study psychology, my first thought was they dont even believe in mental health, they call people who did suicide dramatic people and ungrateful of what they have. second, i wanted to study engineering or architecture, but she insisted, so i did, in the first term i felt every single inch of me sickening, i couldnt get up, i couldnt eat, most times i would catch my self daydreaming, but i stayed up till its late in the library so i could catch up with my lessons and not to disappoint my mom, it was good, 2nd term i told my mom psych is not working with me, i just cant get my focus, i cant finish a single task, even a simple house chore i can finish, its feels so hard to move or even just staying awake, i told my self that its just me being lazy that i can do it, of other can why cant I? it kinda worked then i got an offer in a known university in my country, i thought it would be a good chance since there is no tuition to pay and that maybe my mom would allow me to study a degree that i really want, but she never did allow me, yes i transffered but in the same degree and as a 2nd year college, it was good at first, new environment, new people, new university culture way more fun than the first, only that i have to travel 2-3 hours from home to school and another 2-3 hours from school to home every day, if im lucky and there is no traffic 1 an a half hour is a blessing.

i thought everything is going to be fine now, there is no reason for me to feel any shit, i got money, clothes, good university, a lover. wht else in God's blessing, but honest to goodness i still feel different.

so again i tried telling my family, they laughed at me for weeks, told me what kind of a trashy mindset i have and that maybe mom shoulve left in my dad because my dad is schizo and that maybe im like him. It really hurt me more when they told me those kind of stuffs, o felt useless and ungrateful and undeserving of the things they give me but i also felt alone, i thought family will always be the first one to be there when u fall and help u get up and understand me, but i feel like no one understands me, not even my own partner. My partner always gets mad at me when i try to open up or like cuts me when gets a hint that im about to open up or most times like change topic, if my partner doesnt get mad im lucky but mostly kinda shows disinterest on me when im down and just stayed with me and shows more love and care when i act jolly and happy.

i dont know how to deal with this anymore, i tried so many times to reach out to them, but i felt no one takes me seriously for years, its really getting hard to live with a heavy heart everyday, i may have mastered the art of faking smiles and laughs and hiding pain but these past few months i feel really weak and hopeless and alone.

I filed dismissal in my degree even though im incoming 4th year because i cant take it anymore and also i had so many back subjects and failed some because i cant finish essays and requirements in time, also since 2nd term in 2nd year i sleep like a dead, i dont know why, but no matter how long i sleep i just still feel tired and sleepy, i dont even feel hungry, there was this time i sleep for almost 30 hours. but these days i sleep 12-13 hours. My family of course is really angry at me, they said that im hopeless and that they thought they raised me well but i only turn up into a mess like my father. i still live here in our house but they kind of make it to the point at me where "do what you want in life we dont care but as soon as u finish ur study leave this house, we'll let you stay so there's nothing u can say anything about us"

these past few months ive been considering death, because maybe that way i wont have to be a burden to my partner or my family. I feel horrible because maybe im such a bad kid to my mom or my fam, i try not to be, i wanted to make them proud, i wanted to do everything specially in terms of my academics to make them proud but im a failure. i feel unappreciative but at the same time alone because they kinda make me feel that im trying to make them feel bad because im like this or because im telling them im like this when the only reason i tell them that something is wrong with me because i still believe even just a little that they would understand me and help me. But i only ended up becoming an unpreciative person.

i feel that for the year that had passed i just got worse and that maybe i should end it because im hopeless. my partner even told me that im such a burden and cant take it anymore, told me that cant love a person like me who is always too much and theres no in between, i didnt kinda get it, but they told me that there s no in between in me in everything i do, its either im too happy or too sad, too sleeping or not sleeping at all, too good or too mad just everything... and tbh, i didnt see my self like that but maybe my partner is right, i have grown and become a horrible person, and i feel it too there is something wrong with me i just cant understand why when i have a stable life. i feel so undeserving, i dont deserve this fam, my partner, my uni, my stuff.

thankyou if you reached this part, this is the first time i did this because maybe im desperate to let it out, desperate to know if im normal or just an ungrateful one. sorry for taking so much of your time. sorry and hello, i feel so blue, if you are too, why are you so blue? i hope we can all make it.

Submitted August 03, 2019 at 02:06PM by bluepumpkinxl https://ift.tt/2LYtL4W