My Brother

So, my brother, oh lord my brother

So I have a complicated relationship with my brother, and it goes back years. When we were kids, me and my sister always noticed inconsistencies with him. We were going through abuse from another family member who targeted me and my sister more, and we worked to keep him as safe as possible while he got some abuse, and while he adores and includes my sister in his life, I'm left out continously. But that's not the worst.

1. He's left me out and barely talks to me (it's gotten slightly better, I mean mean only SLIGHTLY)

2. My sister and I were training for military (I for the Marines and she for the Navy) we had been training for years. Since middle school. And we found out my sophomore year and her junior year that we both had Celiac Disease and were disqualified which absolutely destroyed us, as she wanted to be a Navy psychiatrist to help soldiers, especially ones with PTSD and I wanted to be a pilot. And i mean, we were training SO HARD. I had my Marine ROTC teacher training me personally and was lining up with recruiters while she was studying to go Officer Corps route. And we had our lives in turmoil. Later that year, my brother announced that he was planning on going into the Army for free college and to be in the military, without warning either my sister and I that he was doing so, and while my parents were happy, i was stewing in silent heartbreak. He had always talked about being a director so this came out of left field (I remember after his swearing in I just broke down in my room and sobbed and me and my sister just comforted each other). And later he started saying "I'm going to try and become a psychiatrist in the Army to help PTSD soldiers" HE STOLE MY SISTERS EXACT DREAM FOR WANTING TO BE A PSYCHIATRIST AND THE REASON SHE WANTED TO BE ONE. My sister was devastated and went slightly over the edge, as I was somewhat over the edge myself (I quit caring about school and gained a ton of weight from not doing the military style exercises coupled with being on intense medication and was slowly going towards suicide due to my circumstances and other things happening to me) and he never once spoke to us while my mom defended him tooth and nail. My dad slightly understood but also had the idea that we should just let it go and move on.

3. When he came back from boot camp, he was a tremendous prick. Anything could set him off and the distance between us just became worse. My sister went through a lot and ended up leaving for a while as she had so much shit she was dealing with. And I stayed and just tried to put up with him. We got into huge screaming matches all the time, sometimes about stupid stuff, but the biggest one ended with him getting in my face and screaming to where I slapped him across the face (which I know was wrong and I felt awful about. I get very scared and my anxiety and PTSD from the abuse takes over, which I know was no excuse) and he proceeded to hit me in the face twice and continued to hit me when I turned my back, which had me extremely shaken up to where i just walked out and left to walk all the way to my friends house as I was terrified

4. When we moved into a new house, I have a cat whom I love to death who is a rescue. She was mauled by an unknown animal and had dealt with a lot of trauma when she was rescued, and had half an ear missing and some patches of fur gone but made a full physical recovery and I resonated with her a lot. She's best girl and well behaved. And this was the time where my sister is moved back in (luckily both of us have our lives together and are both planning on going into different trades) and she was talking about wanting a pet, preferably a cat. My brother proceeds to bring home a stray and this kitten is a TERROR. Untrained and everything. And me and my mom were always the ones correcting behavior and trying to get him to be calm as he'd been attacking my cat who can't handle it due to past trauma while my brother sits and plays video games. Recently, the kitten is nearing 6 months and hasn't been fixed has started trying to mount my cat, who is fixed and it's been hard to get him to stop. The kitten tried again recently, and I sprayed him with water (I firmly believe using spray bottle technique though my cat has been well behaved since the few times I had to) and he got MAD AT ME. Saying that it was only instinct and to just let it be. My mother started to correct me and defend him till i explained the situation (when a Male cat mounts a female, he goes straight behind her and bites their scruff hard, so the female has limited mobility and can't reach behind her neck) and he got angry at both of us. To where now we have shifts on which cat is out of which room at certain times, which is very unfair to my cat as she has been with us for a while and loves being able to roam.

5. I'm planning on starting a YouTube channel (I don't expect a sub, don't worry) and had used all my graduation money to get the mounts and camera, plus I got a tripod for my phone so I can post art, stories about real life living after abuse and stuff, and costume stuff. I had been planning this for over a year and talked about it a lot and I'm very excited for it. Recently my brother asked if I was still planning on using my phone tripod, and I asked "yes, why?' "Oh I'm planning on starting a Twitch stream and YouTube channel and I needed something to mount a camera on." Y'all, it took everything in me to not lose it completely. He, again, never asked me about it knowing I was planning one for myself, and just started talking about it. After I spent months changing my social media usernames to match my channel name, creating a banner, and talking with my soon to be editor about possible videos. And I even brought this up with my sister who understood and even said "I was planning to want to make one, as my field needs a following, and wanted to clear with you and see if I could get advice" which I was totally fine with as she at least talked to me as her content would be different and knew YouTube was one of my goals. He just decided to steal another idea

6. As I've mentioned, I do costume building and cosplays. I've done it for years and have been getting way better with tacking, sewing, and other stuff required. I was even planning a Harley Quinn cosplay when I noticed a bunch of cosplay stuff, Harley Quinn included, came to the house, which made me confused. My brother then told me that he was planning to do cosplays and a MALE HARLEY QUINN COSPLAY. He barely liked Harley before while I've loved her for years, and have shown my love through clothes, memorabilia, etc (becuase I feel a connection with the character being strong after abuse and such). And now he was trying to get into the field I'd found love and myself in after years of turmoil. And he never asked for advice or my take, just decided to do it. He even commented on the fact I was going into trade school to help better that with "you're going into that trade? You barely seem like someone who would do stuff with their hands" when I sew and draw and build and shit. I even make pillows for people and got commissioned for it!

7. Last but not least, we have mutual friends, and one started a serious relationship with a girl I was acquaintances with in high school when helping her with ROTC and we've been very kind. He started calling her little sis and Sissy and stuff and asking her about her life and being involved like a big brother to her and everything when he barely does that for me and never called me a sisterly pet name or ever tried to inquire about my life or interests or anything

I know I'm probably overreacting, but I can barely talk to him about this stuff anymore. He claims to understand what I've gone through when he hasn't seen the level of abuse or experienced sexual assault (different person, different story), and only is big brotherly when I hang with people he doesn't approve of. He didn't like my best friend solely on the fact that she's Wiccan (we're all Christian and I'm not even straight, and I'm open to many people of many religions) and all. I can't mention anything I feel would be a great idea because I'm too afraid it'll become his new big idea. My sister and friends have told me to just treat him as a roommate and not a brother after several attempts to have a relationship with him or to connect with him more than a superficial relationship of liking the same things and stuff. But that's become exhausting. He claims he's moving out soon and I feel bad that I'm extremely relieved at the news. I just, I don't know how to feel. I feel like I'm overreacting majorly but my friends and sister tell me opposite.

I just don't know what to do anymore

(Also, don't blame my mom. She was the eldest in her family and wants to promote my brother as the eldest and knows that my sisters and my feelings are valid and that I'm not ok while living under the same roof as him, but lately he's been getting on her and my dad's last straw, though they won't fully confront him. They are starting to count down the days he'll finally move out as well)

Submitted August 17, 2019 at 07:08AM by angel_of_despair https://ift.tt/2Z3luCM